When Joseph’s brothers realized that their father was now dead, they said, “What if Joseph bears a grudge against us, and wants to pay us back seriously for all of the terrible things we did to him?” So they approached Joseph and said, “Your father gave orders before he died, telling us, ‘This is what you should say to Joseph. “Please, forgive your brothers’ sins and misdeeds, for they did terrible things to you. Now, please forgive the sins of the servants of your father’s God.”’” Joseph wept when they spoke to him.

His brothers wept too, fell down in front of him, and said, “We’re here as your slaves.”

But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I God? You planned something bad for me, but God produced something good from it, in order to save the lives of many people, just as he’s doing today. Now, don’t be afraid. I will take care of you and your children.” So he put them at ease and spoke reassuringly to them.

Thus Joseph lived in Egypt, he and his father’s household. Joseph lived 110 years and saw Ephraim’s grandchildren. The children of Machir, Manasseh’s son, were also born on Joseph’s knees. Joseph said to his brothers, “I’m about to die. God will certainly take care of you and bring you out of this land to the land he promised to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob.” Joseph made Israel’s sons promise, “When God takes care of you, you must bring up my bones out of here.” Joseph died when he was 110 years old. They embalmed him and placed him in a coffin in Egypt. (Common English Bible)

“All people commit sins and make mistakes. God forgives them, and people are acting in a divine way when they forgive.”

Alexander Pope, “An Essay on Criticism”

If there was anyone who had a supposed right to be bitter and unforgiving, it would be Joseph. His brothers had hated him, left him for dead, sold him into slavery, and lied to their father Jacob about him. For years, Joseph languished in servitude and prison – for no fault of his own.

And yet, Joseph was able to discern that it wasn’t his place to be the judge. At the end of his life, he had the perspective and the insight to understand that all the hardship earlier in his life was noticed by God, and then bent for good and divine purposes in the saving of many lives.

If we can keep in mind that it is God’s business to run the world, and our business to forgive others, then life will go a lot better for everyone.

Many people live discontented lives because they say to themselves, “I will not forget what you did, and I will not forgive.” Persistent thoughts of revenge only serve as a cancer that destroys the mind’s thoughts, erodes the soul, and hinders the heart’s ability to love. 

But people who practice forgiveness are much less likely to be hateful, hostile, and belligerent toward others. They are healthier and happier, and more at peace.

I’ve had many people tell me over the years, “But you don’t know what I’ve been through.” My typical response is, “You don’t know what I’ve been through, either. You may not even believe some of the things I have experienced, and some of the things that have happened to me and were said to me. So, can I tell you what I have done to forgive those who have sinned against me?”

1. When I am trying to forgive someone, I pray for them.

It’s hard to keep resenting someone and wish them ill, whenever you are praying for them on a regular basis. Joseph was the victim of his brothers’ abuse. If there was ever a dysfunctional family to grow up in, it was Joseph’s. Being sold into slavery by your own brothers and being the target of their derision would cause anyone to be upset. But, many years later, Joseph chose to forgive his brothers. He acted with their best interests at mind. He prayed for them and did not actively work against them. What’s more, he saw the hand of God in it all.

2. I write a letter of forgiveness (which I may or may not send).

In the letter I write in full detail how the person hurt me. I leave nothing out. I express exactly how it made me feel, and how it affected my life. Then, I express forgiveness and say that I will not hold the offense over their head. The following is a five-step process for forgiving others using the acrostic REACH:

Recall 

Name the hurt, and name it squarely. Don’t fudge by saying it’s not that bad, or as bad as others have experienced. Call it what it is: deceit, stealing, harassment, assault, abuse, adultery, verbal shaming, murder, etc. 

The Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa after apartheid was based on providing full disclosure of all crimes. Those that stepped forward, giving a complete account of their actions, were offered a full pardon. 

Archbishop Desmond Tutu, who led the commission, was most struck by how many people wanted to hear what had happened to their loved ones from the perpetrators themselves so that they could know whom to forgive. Methinks we have much to learn from our African brothers and sisters.

Empathize

Try and see the offense from the other person’s perspective. Attempt to put yourself in the other’s shoes. This does not mean we paper over the offense; it just means we don’t demonize another as a monster. That only feeds and fuels our own lack of forgiveness. When we view others as non-human, then we feel no responsibility to forgive.

Altruistic

Choose to do the right thing and treat the other person well, not necessarily because they deserve it, but because it is within your control to extend grace. Again, this is what Joseph chose to do with his brothers. He gave them words of assurance, and promises of taking care of them and their children.

Commit

Commit to practicing forgiveness. Make the decision to do it. Don’t wait too long for your feelings to catch up to you.  

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

The Apostle Paul (Colossians 3:13, NIV)

Hold

Hold on to your forgiveness. Just because you make the decision to forgive does not mean you’ll never have to do it again. Once you have forgiven, let it be a stake in the ground in which you look back to it again and again, saying, “I forgave him/her, and I will not let the enemy of my soul keep trying to make me bitter about it all over again.” 

One of the reasons we repeat the Lord’s Prayer Sunday after Sunday in my church is to keep forgiving those who have sinned against us.

3. I talk to a trusted friend, mentor, or counselor about my effort to forgive.

Many people get stuck and have an inability to forgive because they don’t seek a wise person to help them walk through the process of forgiving. 

The easy path is to complain about the offense to someone we know who will react with the same level of disgust and spirit of revenge that we ourselves have in our hearts. But that only reinforces the bitterness. We must have someone who can offer us what we need to hear, and not only what we want to hear.

Forgiveness is at the heart of the gospel, and, so, ought to be at the core of a healthy spiritual life. It is always open season on offering grace, forgiveness, and reconciliation. To see all of life from a divine perspective is to forgive.

Pray like this:

Our Father who is in heaven,

uphold the holiness of your name.

Bring in your kingdom

so that your will is done on earth as it’s done in heaven.

Give us the bread we need for today.

Forgive us for the ways we have wronged you,

just as we also forgive those who have wronged us.

And don’t lead us into temptation,

but rescue us from the evil one.

If you forgive others their sins, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you don’t forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:9-15, CEB)