Tag: communication

Communicate with Clarity and Care (Genesis 35:1-4)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year ALeave a comment
Jacob burying the false gods under the oak by Shechem, by Sébastien Bourdon (1616-1671)

Then God said to Jacob, “Go to Bethel and live there. Make an altar there. I am the God who appeared to you when you were fleeing from your brother Esau.”

So Jacob said to his family and those who were with him, “Get rid of the foreign gods which you have, wash yourselves until you are ritually clean, and change your clothes. Then let’s go to Bethel. I will make an altar there to God, who answered me when I was troubled and who has been with me wherever I’ve gone.” So they gave Jacob all the foreign gods that they had in their possession as well as the earrings that they had on. Jacob buried these things under the oak tree near Shechem. (God’s Word Translation)

Christianity has existed for 2,000 years; Judaism for 4,000 years or more. That’s a long time. On the one hand, this is a tremendous legacy of faith, grounded in several millennia of solid religious tradition. And on the other hand, something existing for so long is bound to accumulate some barnacles that get encrusted on the faith.

And if those barnacles are there for too long, it becomes assumed that they’re just part of the ship of faith. But they’re not; they need to be removed so we can see the real thing and move through life unencumbered and not dragged by extraneous stuff.

The familiar, over time, is taken for granted. And when that happens, we lose sight of what is most important, of what is most needed.

God helped Jacob – the son of Isaac, the son of Abraham – to reconnect with a seminal experience from earlier in his life. That experience was a vison of God, and an assurance that God was with Jacob. He was not alone.

But, years later, after accumulating two wives, twelve sons, and many flocks of sheep and other animals, it was time to move and make a home and an altar elsewhere. Instead of taking the Lord for granted, and forgetting the difficulties of the past, God intervened and called the whole crew to go and live in another place.

The communication from God brought Jacob to a spiritual place of realizing what had happened over the years; slowly and perhaps imperceptibly, the barnacles of idolatry had become encrusted amongst his family. And they were obstacles which needed to be jettisoned before they could move on.

Jacob needed to hear from God. Jacob’s family needed to hear from him. And that communication had to be a helpful way of scraping the barnacles off from decades of misplaced living.

Our world today is marked by unfeeling meanness to strangers, a profound lack of empathy, respect, and basic human kindness toward one another. Individuals, groups, communities, and entire nations don’t know how to talk to each other in a way that is helpful and life-giving.

We need a process which helps us have a way of being with others that is compassionate. It is imperative that we have communication that guides us in both expressing ourselves and listening to others. And that process must focus on what we are observing, feeling, and needing.

It is essential that humanity creates deeper personal relationships and maintains them. If not, we will be overcome by the barnacles of suspicion, hate, distrust of others, as well as distance from God.

Unless we are with each other in helpful ways, we will devolve into judgmental and critical speech directed toward others or even ourselves. Violent words are the main obstacle to having compassion on others.

Comparisons and classifications of people, denial of responsibility for words and behaviors, and making demands, leads to estranged relationships. Instead, we can do better. We can be with one another and talk to each other by communicating observations, feelings, needs, and requests.

Observation

  • Observe, rather than evaluate. Whenever we observe something, and then quickly evaluate it, the other person will tend to hear criticism and resist what we are saying.
  • Be specific, not general. It’s helpful to make a specific observation instead of a general one. For example, God was specific about what Jacob was to do. And Jacob was quite specific about the situation of idolatry and what to do about it before the family could move to Bethel.

Feeling

  • Acknowledge and express your emotion. Clearly and specifically identify and name your emotions because this is the way we connect more easily with others. Jacob told his family of feeling troubled in the past and that God helped him deal with it.
  • Be vulnerable. Expressing our feelings can help resolve conflicts. The old adage is true: People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.

Need

  • What do you need? Take responsibility for your feelings. Connect your feeling with your need. Jacob was devoted to God because his emotions were tethered with how God had met his needs throughout his life.
  • Others do not cause our feelings, and they are not responsible for our emotions. Jacob’s family did exactly what Jacob told them to do – and did not buck him or resist him – mainly because he let them know how he was feeling, and why he was telling them to rid themselves of idols and move on with him to Bethel.
  • Listen to yourself. Judgments of others are projections of our own unmet needs; and conversely, being kind to ourselves, listening to our thoughts, and paying attention to how we carry stress in our bodies, allows us to be helpful to others and present to them in whatever they are going through.
  • We are not responsible for other people’s feelings. We can never meet our own needs by trying to make others feel guilt or shame.

Request

  • Ask for what you need and want. We honor ourselves by making requests in clear, positive, and concrete language of what we really need. The clearer we are about what we want, the more likely it is that we’ll get it.
  • The message we send is not always the message which is received by another. Be clear about the response you want so that there is no confusion about what we truly need.

The objective of communication is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way. Rather, it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs.

There is a need to express honestly and clearly our observations, feelings, needs, and requests, as well as receive another’s communication with focused attention and empathy.

So then, how we talk to and about God, and how we talk to ourselves, becomes a template for how we talk to others. A lack of clear communication is a surefire way of allowing the barnacles of displeasure and disappointment to attach to our souls.

However, clear communication is life-giving and even lifesaving. It’s worth putting significant effort into it.

Blessed Lord, in your infinite wisdom, you created us with the gift of communication. May we use this gift to foster love, understanding, and unity amongst ourselves and with you.

Guide our hearts to speak words of kindness and encouragement. May our tongues be instruments of love, grace and compassion to those around us.

Open our ears, so that we may truly listen and understand the needs and desires of our fellow humanity. Grant us the patience to hear their stories and the wisdom to respond with love and empathy.

Enlighten our minds to be clear and thoughtful in our affect and speech. As we share our thoughts and ideas, may we be ever mindful of your presence, seeking your holy and good will in all we say and do.

Fill our conversations with honesty and vulnerability. May we find the strength and courage to speak our truth while always remaining respectful and considerate of the feelings of others.

Bind us together in unity and love through our shared communication. May our words build bridges and forge bonds that reflect your divine love and mercy. Amen.

Daniel 1:1-21 – Cultural Humility

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year CLeave a comment

In the third year of the reign of Jehoiakim king of Judah, Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon came to Jerusalem and besieged it. And the Lord delivered Jehoiakim king of Judah into his hand, along with some of the articles from the temple of God. These he carried off to the temple of his god in Babylonia and put in the treasure house of his god.

Then the king ordered Ashpenaz, chief of his court officials, to bring into the king’s service some of the Israelites from the royal family and the nobility—young men without any physical defect, handsome, showing aptitude for every kind of learning, well informed, quick to understand, and qualified to serve in the king’s palace. He was to teach them the language and literature of the Babylonians. The king assigned them a daily amount of food and wine from the king’s table. They were to be trained for three years, and after that they were to enter the king’s service.

Among those who were chosen were some from Judah: Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah. The chief official gave them new names: to Daniel, the name Belteshazzar; to Hananiah, Shadrach; to Mishael, Meshach; and to Azariah, Abednego.

But Daniel resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine, and he asked the chief official for permission not to defile himself this way.Now God had caused the official to show favor and compassion to Daniel, but the official told Daniel, “I am afraid of my lord the king, who has assigned your food and drink. Why should he see you looking worse than the other young men your age? The king would then have my head because of you.”

Daniel then said to the guard whom the chief official had appointed over Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah, “Please test your servants for ten days: Give us nothing but vegetables to eat and water to drink. Then compare our appearance with that of the young men who eat the royal food and treat your servants in accordance with what you see.” So, he agreed to this and tested them for ten days.

At the end of the ten days, they looked healthier and better nourished than any of the young men who ate the royal food. So, the guard took away their choice food and the wine they were to drink and gave them vegetables instead.

To these four young men God gave knowledge and understanding of all kinds of literature and learning. And Daniel could understand visions and dreams of all kinds.

At the end of the time set by the king to bring them into his service, the chief official presented them to Nebuchadnezzar. The king talked with them, and he found no one equal to Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah; so, they entered the king’s service. In every matter of wisdom and understanding about which the king questioned them, he found them ten times better than all the magicians and enchanters in his whole kingdom.

And Daniel remained there until the first year of King Cyrus. (New International Version)

Cultural humility is a humble and respectful attitude toward individuals of other cultures that pushes one to challenge their own cultural biases, realize they cannot possibly know everything about other cultures, and approach learning about other cultures as a lifelong goal and process.

Daniel is a much revered biblical figure. And for good reason. He exhibits the best qualities of humanity.

The mighty Babylonian Empire invaded Judah, tore down the wall of Jerusalem, seized the Temple, and carried off the best and the brightest Jews to Babylonia for service to the powerful King Nebuchadnezzar.

By the king’s orders, the young men were given to Ashpenaz, the head official, to be trained in the cultural ways of the Babylonians. And this is where it gets interesting. The interaction between Daniel and Ashpenaz is a master class in cultural competence and cultural humility.

Cultural competence emphasizes the knowledge of the person in the majority. Cultural humility, however, allows other people to share their own experiences.

Cultural humility is about curiosity. The real discovery, and real competence, is in knowing there’s something you may not understand about another individual or group. Being open to finding out or figuring out what that difference is, is the humble curiosity which can lead to new and good possibilities.

Daniel and the others were forcibly taken from their home. They are in a strange place and are not about to acquiesce in becoming Babylonians instead of a Jews.

Ashpenaz was given a clear task by the king, which was essentially to make Babylonians out of them. This could be an explosive situation. Yet, it wasn’t, because both Ashpenaz and Daniel were willing to have some cultural humility about their situation.

The humility of Daniel, his way of being civil and present, opened the way for Ashpenaz to listen. The young men did not want to go against their religious convictions. At this point, Ashpenaz took the way of humility. He learned something about these Jewish men under his charge. Instead of filing that information away in his head or in some papyrus library, Ashpenaz became open to Daniel’s suggestion.

And, as it turns out, both Ashpenaz and the Babylonians were much better off because of two men’s interactions based in humility. Furthermore, Daniel and the others navigated a dicey situation and came out holding to their integrity, not to mention their lives.

Ashpenaz was not only willing to learn about another culture (cultural competence) but took the next necessary step in letting that knowledge affect how he went about his job. The open discussion about differences is what led to belonging.

Today, we must realize that the idea you can arm yourself with a body of knowledge about a culture and believe that’s all you need to do, doesn’t give anyone or any culture much space to change. In other words, knowledge by itself isn’t being inclusive of another’s perspective or ways. Knowledge alone doesn’t bring connection between differing people.

We need people (you and me!) who are willing to be curious and take the understanding we have about another culture and pursue changing something that isn’t right in our own culture. We must have people who are humble enough to discern that our own cultures have their good practices and their bad approaches.

Daniel wasn’t obnoxious about what he wanted and didn’t decry or verbally attack Ashpenaz and the Babylonian culture. And Ashpenaz didn’t simply ignore Daniel and force cultural colonization on him and the others.

This interaction between two people was the seed which eventually led to the Jews leaving exile and returning to Jerusalem. I doubt that ever would have happened, had Daniel and Ashpenaz held tightly to cultural pride.

Holy God, who sent your only Son Jesus Christ to be crucified for our sins, have mercy upon me. May I follow in his example, leading and loving in great humility, for you oppose the proud but raise up the humble. Help me to be gracious, patient, loving, and kind in every interaction, especially with those who are very different than myself. Amen.

Acts 17:16-31 – How to Effectively Communicate

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year BLeave a comment

While Paul was waiting for them in Athens, he was greatly distressed to see that the city was full of idols. So, he reasoned in the synagogue with both Jews and God-fearing Greeks, as well as in the marketplace day by day with those who happened to be there. A group of Epicurean and Stoic philosophers began to debate with him. Some of them asked, “What is this babbler trying to say?” Others remarked, “He seems to be advocating foreign gods.” They said this because Paul was preaching the good news about Jesus and the resurrection. Then they took him and brought him to a meeting of the Areopagus, where they said to him, “May we know what this new teaching is that you are presenting? You are bringing some strange ideas to our ears, and we would like to know what they mean.” (All the Athenians and the foreigners who lived there spent their time doing nothing but talking about and listening to the latest ideas.)

Paul then stood up in the meeting of the Areopagus and said: “People of Athens! I see that in every way you are deeply religious. For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: to an unknown god. So, you are ignorant of the very thing you worship—and this is what I am going to proclaim to you.

“The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’

“Therefore, since we are God’s offspring, we should not think that the divine being is like gold or silver or stone—an image made by human design and skill. In the past God overlooked such ignorance, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent. For he has set a day when he will judge the world with justice by the man he has appointed. He has given proof of this to everyone by raising him from the dead.” (New International Version)

“Focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging,”

Marshall Rosenberg

The city of Athens was a major intellectual center in the ancient world. Ideas, philosophy, reason, rhetoric, and debate were standard fare amongst the citizens. At the time of the Apostle Paul’s arrival in the city, Greece knew next to nothing about Christianity. Paul’s response to what he saw and felt, dictated what he did and said; it was both wise and deeply impactful to the people of Athens. It’s almost akin to a seminar in how to communicate with folks who believe and live very differently than ourselves.

Observation

Paul entered the city and made a simple observation: Athens is full of idols. Out of all the observations Paul could have made, this one would not likely be made by most people visiting the city. Athens was a glorious place with its unparalleled architecture. The Acropolis and the Agora were resplendent with the arts and democracy.

For all its physical beauty and brilliance, the one thing Paul homed-in on was the idols. This would have struck many folks as odd – something like focusing on the dog collar instead of the dog. Yet, Paul was using more than his physical eyes – his spiritual sight was making a big observation – that Athens was very much a religious place.

Feeling

The Apostle felt upset and distressed. Paul was disturbed down deep in his gut with the spiritual state of this renowned city-state. The sheer volume of idols and the practice of idolatry created an overwhelming sense of both pity and anger.

Paul handled his emotions well. By freely acknowledging them, he was then able to choose his response. Had he not done so, it is likely Paul might have just gone on some frustrating tirade, thereby never truly connecting relationally with the people. There’s nothing wrong with being irritated or exasperated; its what we do with those feelings which are important.

Need

It is our emotions, not our thoughts, which move us to act. Paul knew why he was feeling disturbed and decided not to stuff those feelings but step out and address the great need he was observing. He decided to meet the Athenians on their turf and on their level by reasoning with them every day in the great buildings and open spaces of the city.

While in Athens, it seems Paul understandably utilized the Socratic method of dialogue – involving questions and answers. Its impressive that throughout the Acts of the Apostles, Paul demonstrated a deft ability to communicate and connect with a broad range of people.

Appeal

Paul wasn’t interacting and dialoging just for the fun of it; he wanted to make an appeal, a request to seriously consider the Christian good news of Jesus Christ’s resurrection as a viable philosophy of life. He made his appeal with Jews, Greeks, and passers-by, as well as philosophers.

Since the massive intellect of Paul could handle any reasoned debate, he was invited to the Areopagus, which was the place where the best-of-the-best carried-on their discussions.

Paul’s address to them was incredibly cogent and well-reasoned – finding common ground from which to debate and maintaining outward grace amidst his inward disturbance.

Conclusion

The late British exegete, John R.W. Stott, reflected on today’s New Testament lesson and gave us words which are still relevant:

“Why is it that, in spite of the great needs and opportunities of our day, the church slumbers peacefully on, and that so many Christians are deaf to Christ’s commission, and dumb with tongues-tied in testimony? The major reason is this: We do not speak as Paul spoke because we do not feel as Paul felt. We have never had his indignation. Divine jealousy has not stirred within us. We constantly pray, ‘Hallowed be Thy Name,’ yet we do not seem to mean it… Paul saw people created in the image and likeness of God giving to idols the homage which was due to God alone… and he was deeply pained by it.”

John R.W. Stott

May the good news be so pressed into our minds, hearts, and guts that what comes out of us is deep compassion, wise dialogue, and effective ministry for the sake of our Lord. Amen.

*Above picture: ruins of the Greek Acropolis in Athens where the Apostle Paul addressed the Areopagus.