Tag: relational connection

Communicate with Clarity and Care (Genesis 35:1-4)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year ALeave a comment
Jacob burying the false gods under the oak by Shechem, by Sébastien Bourdon (1616-1671)

Then God said to Jacob, “Go to Bethel and live there. Make an altar there. I am the God who appeared to you when you were fleeing from your brother Esau.”

So Jacob said to his family and those who were with him, “Get rid of the foreign gods which you have, wash yourselves until you are ritually clean, and change your clothes. Then let’s go to Bethel. I will make an altar there to God, who answered me when I was troubled and who has been with me wherever I’ve gone.” So they gave Jacob all the foreign gods that they had in their possession as well as the earrings that they had on. Jacob buried these things under the oak tree near Shechem. (God’s Word Translation)

Christianity has existed for 2,000 years; Judaism for 4,000 years or more. That’s a long time. On the one hand, this is a tremendous legacy of faith, grounded in several millennia of solid religious tradition. And on the other hand, something existing for so long is bound to accumulate some barnacles that get encrusted on the faith.

And if those barnacles are there for too long, it becomes assumed that they’re just part of the ship of faith. But they’re not; they need to be removed so we can see the real thing and move through life unencumbered and not dragged by extraneous stuff.

The familiar, over time, is taken for granted. And when that happens, we lose sight of what is most important, of what is most needed.

God helped Jacob – the son of Isaac, the son of Abraham – to reconnect with a seminal experience from earlier in his life. That experience was a vison of God, and an assurance that God was with Jacob. He was not alone.

But, years later, after accumulating two wives, twelve sons, and many flocks of sheep and other animals, it was time to move and make a home and an altar elsewhere. Instead of taking the Lord for granted, and forgetting the difficulties of the past, God intervened and called the whole crew to go and live in another place.

The communication from God brought Jacob to a spiritual place of realizing what had happened over the years; slowly and perhaps imperceptibly, the barnacles of idolatry had become encrusted amongst his family. And they were obstacles which needed to be jettisoned before they could move on.

Jacob needed to hear from God. Jacob’s family needed to hear from him. And that communication had to be a helpful way of scraping the barnacles off from decades of misplaced living.

Our world today is marked by unfeeling meanness to strangers, a profound lack of empathy, respect, and basic human kindness toward one another. Individuals, groups, communities, and entire nations don’t know how to talk to each other in a way that is helpful and life-giving.

We need a process which helps us have a way of being with others that is compassionate. It is imperative that we have communication that guides us in both expressing ourselves and listening to others. And that process must focus on what we are observing, feeling, and needing.

It is essential that humanity creates deeper personal relationships and maintains them. If not, we will be overcome by the barnacles of suspicion, hate, distrust of others, as well as distance from God.

Unless we are with each other in helpful ways, we will devolve into judgmental and critical speech directed toward others or even ourselves. Violent words are the main obstacle to having compassion on others.

Comparisons and classifications of people, denial of responsibility for words and behaviors, and making demands, leads to estranged relationships. Instead, we can do better. We can be with one another and talk to each other by communicating observations, feelings, needs, and requests.

Observation

  • Observe, rather than evaluate. Whenever we observe something, and then quickly evaluate it, the other person will tend to hear criticism and resist what we are saying.
  • Be specific, not general. It’s helpful to make a specific observation instead of a general one. For example, God was specific about what Jacob was to do. And Jacob was quite specific about the situation of idolatry and what to do about it before the family could move to Bethel.

Feeling

  • Acknowledge and express your emotion. Clearly and specifically identify and name your emotions because this is the way we connect more easily with others. Jacob told his family of feeling troubled in the past and that God helped him deal with it.
  • Be vulnerable. Expressing our feelings can help resolve conflicts. The old adage is true: People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.

Need

  • What do you need? Take responsibility for your feelings. Connect your feeling with your need. Jacob was devoted to God because his emotions were tethered with how God had met his needs throughout his life.
  • Others do not cause our feelings, and they are not responsible for our emotions. Jacob’s family did exactly what Jacob told them to do – and did not buck him or resist him – mainly because he let them know how he was feeling, and why he was telling them to rid themselves of idols and move on with him to Bethel.
  • Listen to yourself. Judgments of others are projections of our own unmet needs; and conversely, being kind to ourselves, listening to our thoughts, and paying attention to how we carry stress in our bodies, allows us to be helpful to others and present to them in whatever they are going through.
  • We are not responsible for other people’s feelings. We can never meet our own needs by trying to make others feel guilt or shame.

Request

  • Ask for what you need and want. We honor ourselves by making requests in clear, positive, and concrete language of what we really need. The clearer we are about what we want, the more likely it is that we’ll get it.
  • The message we send is not always the message which is received by another. Be clear about the response you want so that there is no confusion about what we truly need.

The objective of communication is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way. Rather, it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs.

There is a need to express honestly and clearly our observations, feelings, needs, and requests, as well as receive another’s communication with focused attention and empathy.

So then, how we talk to and about God, and how we talk to ourselves, becomes a template for how we talk to others. A lack of clear communication is a surefire way of allowing the barnacles of displeasure and disappointment to attach to our souls.

However, clear communication is life-giving and even lifesaving. It’s worth putting significant effort into it.

Blessed Lord, in your infinite wisdom, you created us with the gift of communication. May we use this gift to foster love, understanding, and unity amongst ourselves and with you.

Guide our hearts to speak words of kindness and encouragement. May our tongues be instruments of love, grace and compassion to those around us.

Open our ears, so that we may truly listen and understand the needs and desires of our fellow humanity. Grant us the patience to hear their stories and the wisdom to respond with love and empathy.

Enlighten our minds to be clear and thoughtful in our affect and speech. As we share our thoughts and ideas, may we be ever mindful of your presence, seeking your holy and good will in all we say and do.

Fill our conversations with honesty and vulnerability. May we find the strength and courage to speak our truth while always remaining respectful and considerate of the feelings of others.

Bind us together in unity and love through our shared communication. May our words build bridges and forge bonds that reflect your divine love and mercy. Amen.

Pastoral Care (Ezekiel 34:17-23)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year ALeave a comment

“Now then, my flock, I, the Sovereign Lord, tell you that I will judge each of you and separate the good from the bad, the sheep from the goats. Some of you are not satisfied with eating the best grass; you even trample down what you don’t eat! You drink the clear water and muddy what you don’t drink! My other sheep have to eat the grass you trample down and drink the water you muddy.

“So now, I, the Sovereign Lord, tell you that I will judge between you strong sheep and the weak sheep. You pushed the sick ones aside and butted them away from the flock. But I will rescue my sheep and not let them be mistreated any more. I will judge each of my sheep and separate the good from the bad. I will give them a king like my servant David to be their one shepherd, and he will take care of them. (Good News Translation)

“Only through love can we obtain communion with God.”

Albert Schweitzer

I have a zero tolerance for bullying. And, I believe, this is a conviction which must be shared together with everyone. If not, we will continue to see spiritual abuse in the news, so-called Christians and churches throwing their weight around, and a world enveloped in the darkness of mean-spirited persons who only care about themselves and getting their way.

It is most necessary that spiritual folk let compassionate pastoral care have its way in the world.

Pastoral care, for me, is rooted in the compassion of Jesus Christ. It is my connection and relationship with this living Savior, Teacher, Healer, and Lord which enables me to extend genuine care to others. 

I believe that it is the grace and mercy of God in Christ through the enablement of the Holy Spirit which brings comfort, hope, and encouragement to people in need. My philosophy of pastoral care addresses three significant factors, in this order:

  1. Being in a safe environment is paramount. Building trust and connection is important. The caring relationship needs confidence so that the pastor can compassionately encourage and help the person to pursue being in a secure place – whether that is a physical moving away or out, or finding a safe and sacred place within one’s own soul from which healing and holistic health can begin. Bullying can be physical, verbal, emotional, mental, or personal in talking abusively to oneself; and it must be stood up to and stopped.
  2. Grieving is necessary. Mourning and lamenting a significant change or loss must occur to learn to thrive and flourish again in a new situation. This requires being open about one’s feelings, communing freely with God, and being vulnerable with a pastor, therapist, church group, or some other secure human connection. It is common to get “stuck” in grief and believe our situation can never change. But it can, so we must not remain there. 
  3. Reconnecting with the world is vital. Bullying and belligerent people can take a lot out of us and from us. Therefore, we need to find joy in the simple pleasures of life again; to reach out and relate to others who have gone through similar experiences; and, to regain ordinary rhythms and routines of life are all crucial to being alive. The compassionate pastor gently assists, encourages, exhorts, and walks with others toward relating well with the world once again.

Recovery is not an event, and not even a process; it is a way of life. 

All of us are vulnerable to the brokenness of this fallen world. We must learn to navigate troubled times with someone who cares, and not by ourselves. 

We all struggle to live out our faith commitments in a complex web of various family, work, social, and neighborhood relationships.

“If I were to wish for anything, I should not wish for wealth and power, but for the passionate sense of the potential, for the eye which, ever young and ardent, sees the possible. Pleasure disappoints, possibility never. And what wine is so sparkling, what so fragrant, what so intoxicating as possibility!”

Søren Kierkegaard

I am passionate about a biblical understanding of living in the world for its betterment and blessing as a pastoral minister. The following is a kind of manifesto of what I feel called to be and to do….

With God as my help, and with the Old and New Testaments of the Bible as my guide for grateful living, I seek with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength:

  • To foster, support, and realize spiritual healing in the world
  • To cultivate the human spirit and do the work of soul-craft deliberately, carefully, and patiently
  • To consult and collaborate with others who share a spiritual vision for blessing the world
  • To engage in spiritual practices which strengthen faith, enlarge a compassionate heart, and expand the soul’s capacity for growth
  • To walk in the way of Jesus through engrafting silence, solitude, fasting, giving, and prayer into regular and habitual rhythms of life
  • To wed integration of learning with an alignment of head, heart, and gut.
  • To embrace suffering and adversity as sacred Teachers of the soul
  • To continually pursue self-awareness and utilize that awareness for the common good of all persons
  • To liberally use the spiritual tools of faith, hope, and love; and, to sharpen those implements with great care
  • To weep with those who weep
  • To keep vigilant presence with the dying
  • To extend mercy, respect, and hospitality to those considered by society as the least, the last, and the lost
  • To eradicate loneliness in all its forms
  • To extend basic human dignity and divine grace to all with mental illness, cognitive disorders, soul-sucking addictions, and suicidal ideation
  • To embody the Beatitudes of Jesus and live by Christ’s Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7)
  • To embrace humble service as demonstrated and taught by Jesus in his Upper Room Discourse (John 13-17)
  • To picture a world without poverty, racism, patriarchy, gender bigotry, verbal and physical violence, religious wars, and emotional immaturity
  • To imagine a future with an abundance of the Fruit of the Spirit, clean water, creativity, beauty, and equity of resources
  • To promote an egalitarian spirit and social justice, especially for those without power and/or privilege in the world
  • To see the image of God in persons very different from me
  • To grieve and lament my unwanted changes and losses
  • To express daily affirmations of faith
  • To exercise gratitude in all circumstances
  • To live in a healthy rhythm of receiving and giving
  • To encourage the telling and listening of stories
  • To champion women everywhere and alleviate all barriers to their voice in the world
  • To reform and keep reforming
  • To choose vulnerability and courage in life and leadership
  • To perpetuate, in both word and deed, the ancient Scriptures and ecumenical Creeds, paying attention to the worldwide church’s contribution to scriptural understanding
  • To use Holy Scripture for the encouragement of others and the strengthening of faith, and not as a weapon to damage others and create divisions
  • To observe the Christian Year and conform to its liturgical rhythms.
  • To die well, with no regrets and with a legacy of faith

Expressing Grief (Lamentations 3:55-66)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year ALeave a comment
An engraving of the prophet Jeremiah lamenting, 1937

I called on your name, Lord,
    from the depths of the pit.
You heard my plea: “Do not close your ears
    to my cry for relief.”
You came near when I called you,
    and you said, “Do not fear.”

You, Lord, took up my case;
    you redeemed my life.
Lord, you have seen the wrong done to me.
    Uphold my cause!
You have seen the depth of their vengeance,
    all their plots against me.

Lord, you have heard their insults,
    all their plots against me—
what my enemies whisper and mutter
    against me all day long.
Look at them! Sitting or standing,
    they mock me in their songs.

Pay them back what they deserve, Lord,
    for what their hands have done.
Put a veil over their hearts,
    and may your curse be on them!
Pursue them in anger and destroy them
    from under the heavens of the Lord. (New International Version)

Over the years of ministry, I’ve encountered a host of confessing Christians who did not know the book of Lamentations even existed in the Bible. Even more people, I have discovered, are unfamiliar with the word “lament.”

This anecdotal evidence is quite telling: It tells me that a large chunk of people in society don’t know what to do with themselves whenever they experience or encounter trauma, abuse, unwanted circumstances, death, or overwhelming situations.

It’s no wonder that so many of us are anxious, depressed, and emotionally struggling. To be overwhelmed means that we don’t have enough internal resources to match what’s going on with us externally. Being overwhelmed means being devastated or overpowered by several circumstances at once; and experiencing several emotions at once, including the feeling of estrangement from God and/or others.

The book of Lamentations is the prophet Jeremiah’s public expression of grief over the destruction of his home city of Jerusalem. King Nebuchadnezzar and the Babylonian army invaded the land, broke down the city walls, razed the temple, killed many people, and took most of the rest into captivity. The experience, along with the atrocities committed, were overwhelming.

On top of all that, Jeremiah had proclaimed a message of judgment, prophesying what would happen – and it did. And after the Babylonians took over, the remaining people put much of their misplaced anger and grief on Jeremiah, making his situation even worse.

Lamentations of Jeremiah, by Marc Chagall, 1956

What would you do if you were Jeremiah?

In whatever way you might respond, I believe Jeremiah did precisely what was most needed: He called on the name of the Lord, he expressed his lament, and it was all more than a private affair – because we are able to still read his lamentation all these many centuries later.

To lament is to express our feelings and story of grief to another. Without doing so, we are spiritually and emotionally stuck. And if we remain stuck for too long, our grief comes out sideways, either hurting others or ourselves.

The general populace of the people didn’t deal with their grief, and didn’t lament their loss. Instead, they mocked Jeremiah, plotted against him, and insulted him. That’s what happens when we don’t grieve and lament.

Jeremiah, however, left the people in God’s hands, and didn’t take matters into his own hands. He did what he was supposed to do instead of lashing out on others: Crafted this book of Lamentations, which we have access to, and can read.

So, why don’t we?

There’s lots of reasons we don’t examine the book of Lamentations (and explore our own lament). The primary reason is fear:

  • Fear of our own emotions – getting lost in them and afraid we’ll never get out of them – so we construct elaborate thoughts and words of positivity, believing that it will shoo the difficult feelings away. But the truth is, it won’t. It only makes it worse. We can choose to courageously tell our story, to whomever we want, in as much or as little detail as we want.
  • Fear of getting hurt. We’ve already experienced a level of hurt we never thought was possible. It’s only human to want to keep as far away from hurt as we can. So, we keep tight-lipped, tell others that we’re fine (when we’re not), all in the belief that if we can shut others out, we can keep any more hurt from touching us. The problem is that when we do that, we also keep the love out that could and would come to us.
  • Fear of connection. Examining myself and exploring relationships with others sounds too risky. It’s fraught with emotion. Besides, we might reason, I don’t want to put my burdens onto someone else. So, we don’t face our grief. The feelings get buried and, over time, become gangrene of the soul, poisoning us. Like a nasty boil, our grief needs to be lanced, and plenty of peroxide put on the wound. And the right medicine is doing what Jeremiah did: lament our loss.
  • Fear of losing control. I might cry in front of others. I may get really angry and yell. I could go absolutely ape and do weird stuff around people. If I open up, it will be a Pandora’s box of releasing myself. In reality, this is a fear of vulnerability, of letting others see the true self. And since we may not like our true self to begin with, this makes things quite complicated. However, there is not another way. Yet, if we go down the narrow path of lament, we will find many comforters who are able to empathize with us in our suffering.

“Sometimes you have to get your behind in the past before you can put your past behind you.”

Mit Tdrahrhe

The place to begin is in offering our feelings of grief, and our emotional words of lament, to the God who is always ready and available to hear it. And, from there, we reach out to a trusted friend, relative, or faith leader and tell them our story. Eventually, we discover enough healing that we can then comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have received. (2 Corinthians 1:3-11)

You can do this.

Almighty God, Father of mercies and giver of comfort: Deal graciously, we pray, with all who mourn; that, casting all their care on you, they may know the consolation of your love; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

The Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:1-21)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year ALeave a comment
The Ten Commandments by He Qi

Then God gave the people all these instructions:

“I am the Lord your God, who rescued you from the land of Egypt, the place of your slavery.

“You must not have any other god but me.

“You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea. You must not bow down to them or worship them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children; the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations of those who reject me. But I lavish unfailing love for a thousand generations on those who love me and obey my commands.

“You must not misuse the name of the Lord your God. The Lord will not let you go unpunished if you misuse his name.

“Remember to observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. You have six days each week for your ordinary work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath day of rest dedicated to the Lord your God. On that day no one in your household may do any work. This includes you, your sons and daughters, your male and female servants, your livestock, and any foreigners living among you. For in six days the Lord made the heavens, the earth, the sea, and everything in them; but on the seventh day he rested. That is why the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and set it apart as holy.

“Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you.

“You must not murder.

“You must not commit adultery.

“You must not steal.

“You must not testify falsely against your neighbor.

“You must not covet your neighbor’s house. You must not covet your neighbor’s wife, male or female servant, ox or donkey, or anything else that belongs to your neighbor.”

When the people heard the thunder and the loud blast of the ram’s horn, and when they saw the flashes of lightning and the smoke billowing from the mountain, they stood at a distance, trembling with fear.

And they said to Moses, “You speak to us, and we will listen. But don’t let God speak directly to us, or we will die!”

“Don’t be afraid,” Moses answered them, “for God has come in this way to test you, and so that your fear of him will keep you from sinning!”

As the people stood in the distance, Moses approached the dark cloud where God was. (New Living Translation)

Since relationships are important and necessary, we need a way to be in community together so that everyone can get along and thrive as human beings. It’s very helpful to have a few simple rules to live by in order for all persons to relate to each other (and God) with integrity, care, and justice.

Whenever I take my wife’s pooch to the dog park, he knows he’ll need to stick some basic rules. Although he doesn’t need the leash and is free to roam, he understands not to bark at people, or approach them and other dogs without my permission. Those expectations are for both his well-being, and others.

We are free to live our lives as creatures in God’s image. The Lord has just a few basic rules for us to live by to honor both divinity and humanity, as well as to protect others and ourselves. Most folks know them as “The Ten Commandments.”

Statue of Moses and The Ten Commandments, Lodz, Poland

The Ten Commandments (The Decalogue or The Ten Words) were given to the ancient Israelites nearly 3,500 years ago. These words have stood the test of time and continue to be understood as a universal standard of morality and relational interactions.

There are hundreds of commands in Holy Scripture – approximately 613 in the Old Testament, and 437 in the New Testament – a whopping 1,050 total commands throughout the entirety of the Bible. So, what, then, makes these Ten so special?  Why do we stick to the ten basic instructions?

The reason The Ten Commandments have endured is that they are foundational commands. Following the Ten Words in the Old Testament are a string of specific commands from God to Moses and then to the people (Exodus 21-23 and Deuteronomy 6-26). Those commands are all a fleshing-out of how to live the basic Decalogue in the Israelites’ context of entering and being in the Promised Land.

In fact, every single command of Holy Scripture can be ethically and morally tied back to The Ten Commandments in some way. Whereas many Old Testament laws were given to the Israelites in their ancient Middle Eastern socio-economic culture, The Decalogue was designed to be universal and flexible for every culture and society everywhere, for any time, and every generation.

Therefore, we need to distinguish between The Law (capital “L”) and the law (little “l”). God’s fundamental and foundational ethical Law has always existed and continues to exist – and it is encapsulated in ten short and simple commands which everyone everywhere can obey, whether they are at their jobs, at home, church, or out having fun.

In fact, these ten basic commands are so important that Jesus restated them for us in his Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7). Christ got down to the heart of the commands and let everyone know what it truly means to hold, keep, and obey The Ten Words. For example, Jesus said concerning the seventh command:

“You have heard that it was said to our people long ago, ‘You must not murder anyone. Anyone who murders another will be judged.’ But I tell you, if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be judged. If you say bad things to a brother or sister, you will be judged by the council. And if you call someone a fool, you will be in danger of the fire of hell.” (Matthew 5:21-22, NCV)

It had become easy over the centuries for people to think everything was jim-dandy if they didn’t physically kill anyone. Yet, Jesus knew that well before any person is murdered by another, anger has been nursed through bitter grudges toward another. 

The Ten Words are the very heart of God’s desire for all humanity, and this is precisely why it’s important to know and obey them in their full intent. They contain how to relate to God (Commands 1-4); and, how to relate to one another (Commands 5-10).  Jesus would later say, in response to what is the greatest command of all:

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and most important command. And the second command is like the first: ‘Love your neighbor as you love yourself.  All the law and the writings of the prophets depend on these two commands.” (Matthew 22:36-40, NCV)

The Heidelberg Catechism, a Reformed Confession crafted by Protestants in the sixteenth, addresses a significant issue in question-and-answer 115:

Q: Since no one in this life can obey the Ten Commandments perfectly, why does God want them preached so pointedly? 
A: First, so that the longer we live the more we may come to know our sinfulness and the more eagerly look to Christ for forgiveness of sins and righteousness. Second, so that we may never stop striving, and never stop praying to God for the grace of the Holy Spirit, to be renewed more and more after God’s image, until after this life we reach our goal: perfection.

When all is said and done, grace will have the last word. None of us will ever perfectly live-out and embody The Ten Words all the time. Yet, the grace of God in Jesus Christ does for us what we cannot do for ourselves: deliver us from the realm of sin, death, and hell.

Embrace The Ten Commandments. Know the Decalogue. Memorize the Ten Words. Understand how to relate well with God and others. Seek to practice these ten basic rule for living so that you can enjoy all the freedom of God’s big world.