Tag: personal hurt

This Is No Time for Bitterness (2 Samuel 3:31-38)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year BLeave a comment
David at the tomb of Abner, by Unknown Artist, 1850

Then David said to Joab and all the people with him, “Tear your clothes and put on sackcloth and walk in mourning in front of Abner.” King David himself walked behind the bier. They buried Abner in Hebron, and the king wept aloud at Abner’s tomb. All the people wept also.

The king sang this lament for Abner:

“Should Abner have died as the lawless die?
    Your hands were not bound,
    your feet were not fettered.
You fell as one falls before the wicked.”

And all the people wept over him again.

Then they all came and urged David to eat something while it was still day; but David took an oath, saying, “May God deal with me, be it ever so severely, if I taste bread or anything else before the sun sets!”

All the people took note and were pleased; indeed, everything the king did pleased them. So on that day all the people there and all Israel knew that the king had no part in the murder of Abner son of Ner.

Then the king said to his men, “Do you not realize that a commander and a great man has fallen in Israel this day? (New International Version)

To put it succinctly, Abner was a rascal. He was smart and savvy, as well as self-centered and treacherous. Abner was the general of Israel’s armies. In his shrewdness, Abner knew that King David of Judah would eventually win out.

So, he set things up to sell-out his position with Ish-Bosheth, the king of Israel, and bring all of Israel and Judah together as one people. Then, he would be the general in a united kingdom under David.

However, Abner had burned some bridges in his day, and created some enemies. Joab was one of them, David’s general. What’s more, Joab was loyal to King David and did not have intentions like those of Abner. All of this (and more) stirred within Joab, as Abner and David talked through a transition plan.

Joab was a bitter man. He and his brother Abishai did not like their king consorting with Abner. Abner had killed their brother Asahel in the battle at Gibeon. Bitterness turned Joab into a myopic person who could only see his own perspective. So he and his brother murdered Abner without David’s knowledge. Abner was a stinker in a lot of ways. But he didn’t go around murdering people, and he himself didn’t deserve to be murdered.

When David found out, he chose not to channel his anger into another murder. Instead, he wisely focused on grieving the loss of Abner and demonstrating to all Israel and Judah what sort of king he really was.

“Many people suffer because of the false supposition on which they have based their lives. That supposition is that there should be no fear or loneliness, no confusion or doubt. But these sufferings can only be dealt with creatively when they are understood as wounds integral to our human condition.” Henri Nouwen

Far too many people allow their spiritual and emotional wounds to fester – eventually poisoning their own character. With the illness of bitterness, someone is always bound to get hurt.

We all have to contend with adverse situations and hard circumstances. Our doubts, wonderings, hurts, and suffering may be legitimate, yet if addressed in an illegitimate way, those things become emotional wounds that seek to wound others.

Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. (Hebrews 12:14-15, NIV)

David had no picnic for a life. Saul had tried to repeatedly kill him, hunting David down like an animal. After Saul was killed in battle, there were all sorts of shenanigans going on with people like Abner and Joab. This was no idyllic setting for David to set up a kingdom.

And yet, David made it work by not succumbing to the bitterness which was so easy for others. King David did something different. He seemed to understand that his own woundedness, sufferings, and doubt was the place for personal and spiritual growth – a way of connecting with God.

The hurts which David acquired in his life never became a source of shame to him. Instead, those things became a source of healing – which made him a wounded healer who was able to rule Israel and Judah with mercy, wisdom, and justice.

For us, the same thing can happen. All of the stuff we’ve been through, from people who intended harm for us, doesn’t have to end with being poisoned by bitterness. Our actual woundedness can become the place where we bless the world.

Indeed, ‘tis our weaknesses which give us our true strength.

Bitterness, on the other hand, may fuel some anger and give us a false sense of strength; but it’s only really a matter of time until we implode. And before that happens, the bitter person will likely take down others with the inevitable spit of poison which is vomited up from the pit of their serpentine belly.

We are, like David, to take a different path in dealing with the troubles brought upon us by others:

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:30-32, NIV)

The road to a better life is full of twists and turns, and fraught with severe potholes and downed trees. But the road to a bitter life is quite easy, straight and paved perfectly smooth with asphalt. The problem is that it is a one way highway to the cemetery.

The clock is ticking, and it’s no time for bitterness. Which road will you take?

Blessed God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, please don’t let our appropriate anger morph into destructive revenge. Don’t let our raw hurts become a festering and putrid abscess of the soul, which is bent on getting even—repaying harm for harm, evil for evil, and death for death.

Holy Spirit, our Companion and Counselor, don’t let our hearts become gardens for the roots of resentment, growing into bushes of bitterness. Give us, instead, the desire to forgive others. May redemption and restoration have their way in us, through Christ our Lord. Amen. 

Don’t Forget about Kindness and Truth (Proverbs 3:1-12)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year BLeave a comment

My child, do not forget my teaching,
    but keep my commands in mind.
Then you will live a long time,
    and your life will be successful.

Don’t ever forget kindness and truth.
    Wear them like a necklace.
    Write them on your heart as if on a tablet.
Then you will be respected
    and will please both God and people.

Trust the Lord with all your heart,
    and don’t depend on your own understanding.
Remember the Lord in all you do,
    and he will give you success.

Don’t depend on your own wisdom.
    Respect the Lord and refuse to do wrong.
Then your body will be healthy,
    and your bones will be strong.

Honor the Lord with your wealth
    and the first fruits from all your crops.
Then your barns will be full,
    and your wine barrels will overflow with new wine.

My child, do not reject the Lord’s discipline,
    and don’t get angry when he corrects you.
The Lord corrects those he loves,
    just as parents correct the child they delight in. (New Century Version)

There is no wisdom apart from humility. And humility can only be accessed through being authentic and vulnerable. The proud person doesn’t look to God (or others) because they think they already know what is best and can figure out things without anyone’s help.

Wisdom is a skill that is attained through learning and application, over an extended period of time. The wise person has a solid body of knowledge, and is able to take that know-how and apply it to real life situations.

For the skill of wisdom to be realized, we must first take the posture of a child. We need to listen well, and humbly receive instruction. Without this initial mindset and heart attitude, wisdom will forever be elusive.

Then, when we learn and gain understanding, it’s imperative that we remember it. This is why the best learning engages all of our senses; it presses needed information deep inside us, so that what comes out of us is right, just, and good.

Concerning the Christian life, we can only obey commands which we know. So, it’s important to learn and retain the commands of God. This is one reason why I read my Bible every day; my mind and heart need the continual refreshment and recalling of Holy Scripture’s insight and instruction. I want to be so full of God’s good commands that if you cut me, I bleed Bible.

Kindness and truth are to be worn like a big gaudy necklace around our necks – so that we will always have in front of us what’s most important in living our lives.

The reason so many people are continually at odds with one another is that kindness and truth are neither acknowledged nor remembered. But you cannot have good relations without basic human kindness and a commitment to truth. Put another way, being gruff and mean, and fudging on reality, will not only get you nowhere, but it will also bring a profound lack of success in life.

That stubborn meanness and inattention to truth comes from spending way too much time alone in one’s head. Left alone for too long, every one of us will come up with all kinds of goofy thinking that we believe is the truth. But it’s really only craziness born of a tremendous lack of healthy interaction with others.

At some point, everyone must eventually trust the Lord – who is kindness and truth itself. Going it alone is not an option, that is, unless we want to be lonely, messed-up in the head, and miserable in both body and soul.

Let’s get real. Often, the reason why so many of us choose a path of arrogant pride, radical independence, and selfish loneliness is because we simply do not want to be hurt.

Someone, some group, or many persons have hurt us, and we’re determined to never be hurt and to hurt like that again. So, we shut others out – including God.

We may not go the route of becoming actual hermits, but we build invisible walls which no one can scale. This is why the loneliest people are actually around other people – they’ve shut them out emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, even though they are next to them physically.

Persons who take such a route to living eventually discover that, although they may have avoided the sort of pain they feared, a new kind of suffering is experienced. And it’s the kind of suffering that gnaws at your insides and slowly kills you.

Little does one know, but the fear, anger, and hatred morphs into a bitterness which becomes gangrene of the soul. The person dies a little bit at a time in an agonizing existence. We all must endure pain; it’s just a matter of what sort of pain we will accept: the bad kind or the good kind.

A good sort of hurt is the pain of healing, of making things right, of committing oneself to reconciliation and peace. It’s a soreness of being corrected by Holy Scripture and God’s directives, a suffering that will truly lead to life, not death.

So, what will it be? The book of Proverbs calls us to make a choice, not only between good and bad, but a choice of better and best, and of accepting the sort of pain that helps us grow; or rejecting that and enduring a debilitating hurt that damages deeply, maybe even permanently.

Let go of the pride and adopt humility. Become a student of wisdom. Take up the necklaces of kindness and truth. Honor God with a life full of experiential knowledge and devotion to the betterment of humanity. Learn to trust the Lord and others who are trustworthy. Know what it feels like to be merciful, pure, and peacemaking.

You may just find that the old tools of cynicism, sarcasm, skepticism, distrust, and unbelief become lost in the mental junk drawer of things rarely, if ever, used.

Lord Jesus Christ, you prayed for your friends that they would be one as you and your Father are one. We confess our resistance to your prayer. We have failed to maintain the unity of the Spirit. We have broken the bond of peace.

Perspective Changes Everything

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year BLeave a comment

Perspective is everything. Nearly sixteen years-ago, me and my family were in a car accident. I was traveling on a highway in rural Iowa and a small car on a gravel road blew right through the stop sign without even slowing down. There was nothing I could do. I slammed into the rear quarter panel of his car, and he literally spun like a top off the highway and came to a stop. Both the driver and his girlfriend passenger were not injured. 

Two of my daughters were in the very back seat of our minivan, with my wife and dog as front seat passengers.  The girls were not harmed. However, my wife tore her shoulder’s rotator cuff trying to protect the dog and had to have surgery to repair it. My lower back was injured, but not in a way which surgery could repair. To this day I live with low-level chronic pain. Most days it’s not bad, maybe a one or two on the pain scale. But on a bad day I can barely walk across the room and need a cane to get around.

I have played the scene of the accident in my mind hundreds of times. I have thought over-and-over again about what I could have done to prevent the accident. Yet there was no way to avoid it. I thought about the fact that if we just would have left a minute earlier or a minute later from my parents’ house from where we were visiting, all would be fine. But I know that kind of thinking is a fool’s errand. I have pondered every possible scenario in my head and have gotten nowhere. 

It also took me awhile to forgive the young man who was driving the other car. He changed my life, and not in a good way. Although his insurance took care of everything and he was very repentant about the whole thing, I was understandably mad for a long time. I eventually did come to the point of forgiving him.

Over the years I have learned to live with my limitations. I have now accepted the sometimes-irritating pain as part of my life. Still, on occasion, I cannot help but think of what my life would be like today if I hadn’t been in that stupid senseless accident. 

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”

carl jung

About six years ago I was praying alone in the church for which I was a pastor, at the time. God brought the accident to my mind. I said to God, “Lord, we’ve been through this accident hundreds of times together. I don’t want to think about it anymore. Why are you bringing this up now?”

Even though I wasn’t really looking for an answer to my question, God brought it up because the Lord knew I was finally ready to get a divine perspective on the accident. Out of the hundreds of times I went over that accident, the one perspective I never took was that of the young man – the other driver. God invited me to take the young driver’s view of what happened that day. So, I did.  I know that intersection like the back of my hand, so it wasn’t a hard exercise. 

I put myself in the driver’s seat of his car. I’m driving down the gravel road not paying attention to the fact that a stop sign is coming up. I blow through the sign onto the highway and right in front of a minivan who slams on the brakes just enough to plow into the rear quarter panel. I spin out like a top and come to rest only a few feet from a huge Iowa grain elevator.

For the first time in my life, I finally understood. God had a divine appointment for me that day. You see, if I had not come along just when I did, that young man and his girlfriend would have blown through the stop sign and struck that grain elevator. It would have killed them both instantly.

“Life is 10 percent what you make it and 90 percent how you take it.”

Irving Berlin

Suddenly, my perspective changed 180 degrees. I always thought about me and my family. I always considered my hardship and my change of life. But now I saw that God sent his servant to save two lives that day. Had I not struck his car, causing him to spin and come to a rest unharmed, two people would have died. 

Now, every time my back acts up and it effects how my life is lived, I’m reminded that it is a small price to pay for the lives of two human beings. Perspective changes everything.

The Bible invites us to view our lives from a different perspective. Our hurts and our pains, our sorrows and our sufferings, our changes, and our limitations, are all part of something much bigger God is doing in the world.  We are not always privy to God’s plans and purposes. Yet God’s Word challenges us to take a perspective of the world, of humanity, and of ourselves which is counter to how we often think.

In this season of Lent, we are invited to read God’s Word and practice repentance – literally, a change of mind.  We are invited to see the Ten Words (Commandments) as the glasses through which we are to view our relationship with God and our relationships with others (Exodus 20:1-17). Jesus, summarizing those Ten Words, put it this way: All the Law hangs on loving God and loving our neighbor. (Matthew 22:36-40)

The thread of those moral words, those ethical commands, runs through the entirety of God’s Word, the Bible. The psalmist reminds us that this Word is good, sweet, and more precious than gold (Psalm 19:7-14). The Apostle Paul reminds us that this Word is our wisdom to live by (1 Corinthians 1:18-25).  And Jesus, as the Word made flesh among us, lived that loving and gracious Word with perfect moral and ethical goodness.

The temple, as the place where God’s Word was read and observed, was not to be adulterated with making a profit – which was why Jesus drove out the moneychangers.  And he did it with flavor! (John 2:13-22) Later, after Jesus died and rose from death, the disciples remembered their master’s words and affirmed them as being the Word of God. They believed. Their faith and repentance changed the world.

God is inviting us to take up the Divine Word and see our lives, the lives of others, and every event and situation through that lens. We are to see Jesus, not only as a great teacher, a moral and good person, and a loving healer – but also as Lord and Savior. In a small way, I suffered so that someone else could live. Yet Jesus suffered sin, death, and hell in our place so that you and I could live – so that we might have the eternal life of enjoyment with God forever.

Allow the Word of God to shape your lives and form your thinking today and every day. You might not always know what God is doing, but you can be assured that everything God does is just, right, and good. 

May you know God’s peace today. May you know Christ better in this season as you reflect upon our Lord’s great sacrifice on our behalf.

Guilt, Grace, and Debt-Collecting: The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year ALeave a comment

Parable of the Unforgiving Servant by Nikola Saric
Parable of the Unforgiving Servant by Serbian German painter Nikola Saric

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

“At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt, and let him go.

“But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

“His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” (Matthew 18:21-35, NIV)

It is unfortunate that one of the few guarantees in life is that someone will hurt you, and that hurt will tear a hole in your heart and last a long time.

When the hurt comes, we all must decide how to handle the issue of forgiveness. Oh, it’s easy to talk about forgiveness when you are doing fine – its another thing when you are hurt. One man, during a conversation with his Pastor, had this story:

“Nineteen years ago, this guy stole my wife away from me. They got married and moved to Florida while my life unraveled.  After I was arrested for assaulting a police officer, this guy smirked through the entire hearing.  When I was convicted, he flipped me the finger. I’ve hated him for nineteen years. He’s coming up here next week. I have a thirty-two-caliber pistol strapped around my ankle, and when I see him, I will kill him. I’ve thought about it. I’m sixty-three years old. I’ll get a life sentence, but I’ll also get free medical, a warm bed, and three meals a day.  I’m ready to end my life this way.”

We may wonder: “Why even bother to forgive?  Why even care about that person?” Emotional pain and angry hurt can be so deep that we see no need for forgiveness. “After all,” we might reason, “look at what that person has done to me!”

Jesus does not want bitterness to be the last word; he wants it to be forgiveness. The parable of the unmerciful servant is a piece of Christ’s teaching concerning “little people,” that is, people who are, by status, lowly and unimportant to others. The heavenly Father’s heart is one that cares deeply for them. They are lost, lonely, and languishing in pain. They need help. Jesus clearly explained what to do, giving a three-step process to privately go to others who have hurt us and win them back through reconciliation (Matthew 18:15).

The disciple Peter, ever the wondering, if not wandering disciple knows that if a person hurts someone, they might do it again. So, if a lost sheep is brought back to the fold, and then is offensive again-and-again, at what point do we say enough-is-enough and stop forgiving?

We as people can often feel a keen sense of “ought to.” We feel we ought to pay the debt we owe to others, and that others must pay us the debt they owe. This works on the emotional level just as much or more than any other arena of life. If we offend someone and they become angry, we believe we ought to make them feel better.  If someone angers us, we expect them to make it right and make us feel better.

The late Methodist scholar and author, Dr. David Seamands, said the two major causes of most emotional problems among Christians are: 1) The failure to understand, receive, and live out God’s unconditional grace and forgiveness; and, 2) The failure to give that grace and forgiveness to other people. I wholeheartedly agree with Dr. Seamands.

We have grace available to us in Jesus Christ through his death and resurrection. We cannot earn forgiveness.  Grace is free.  Equally true is the fact that no one owes us anything.  Grace is free for others, as well.

The Failure to Receive Forgiveness

In the end, was the unmerciful man in Christ’s parable forgiven?… No…. Why not?… Because he failed to understand forgiveness and receive it.  It was not the master’s fault; it was the man’s own fault. So, why did he react so mercilessly to a fellow person in debt? (The man’s debt was in the billions and could not be paid off, but the other man’s debt was just a few dollars). The unmerciful guy failed to grasp the master’s grace; he didn’t get it.  He thought he could work it off, and when the debt was canceled, he could not wrap his heart around such mercy. None of us can repay grace – it is free.

The inability to know and receive grace drives many Christians to the tragic treadmill of constant striving for perfection, achievement, and recognition from others. Many people refuse grace and instead try to get rid of their guilt through endless work – fueling the workaholic, motivating the addict, and animating much of the service done in the church and the world. The problem is not a lack of understanding sin or acknowledging personal sinful actions among Christians; the problem is what to do about it. Too many believers are trying to work-off their debt.

The Unforgiving Servant by American artist James B. Jangknegt

Here is a little test: Why do you do what you do? Why do you do good and right things?  Be honest.  Is it to truly worship and celebrate the Lord who has erased such a great debt of sin in our lives? Or, are we working to pay off a debt to God?  Am I striving to assuage my guilt? Are we searching to feel better through our service to others?

We can be so accustomed to operating according to guilt instead of grace that we don’t know what to with the absence of guilt – so we just go back to guilt as our default setting, like a dog returning to its vomit. Furthermore, the tragedy is compounded by insisting that others operate out of guilt, too.

Another little test: Are we content to simply ask people to help or to serve, or do we believe that there must be arm-twisting with some guilt to motivate them? Guilt and arm-twisting are inconsistent with the gospel of grace.  If we believe we must guilt our kids, family, co-workers, neighbors, or anyone else before they will do anything, then it is us who have a spiritual problem.

Ideally, we live and work out of a sense of gratitude toward God and not by guilt. Yet, there are always folks who continue to work out their unhappiness on other people by insisting they get on the guilt train along with them. We are unable to forgive ourselves, so we live with the guilt and try to pay off our debt, making ourselves and everyone else miserable in the process.

The Failure to Give Forgiveness

The unforgiven are the unforgiving. The reason the guy in the story responded so violently to a person who only owes him a few bucks is because he never really believed he was forgiven by the master in the first place. He could not envision a world in which his debt was paid. The unmerciful man was still operating as though life were a matter of collecting debts.

At the heart of many broken relationships and emotional conflicts is an insistence on debt-collecting. We want from others something they cannot give us. God in Christ erases the great debt we have, not some other person.  Yet, we go out and seek from others what only God provides. People are good at being people – but they make lousy gods. It is God who meets the deepest needs of our hearts – your spouse, children, friends, church, and community cannot do it. That is a job for Jesus. The watershed issue is grace – whether we can receive it, or not.  We cannot give something we have not first received.

It would be weird if a marriage vow went something like this: “I have a lot of terrific inner needs and inner emptiness and debts to pay, and I’m going to give you a marvelous opportunity to fill my Grand Canyon of insecurity and take care of me!”

Sometimes people have a nasty tendency to make idols of other people and look at them as though they owe us a debt of happiness, joy, and peace. For example, the weird marriage vow, if followed through with, inevitably will result in debt-collecting. A few years down the road the spouse says, “This is not what you were like when I married you… You owe me!” Our insecurity comes from the inability to receive grace. It is all about grace. Everything is about grace, not guilt and not debt-collecting because the debt has already been paid and the guilt has been erased.

Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled (with the blood of Christ) to cleanse us from a guilty conscience. (Hebrews 10:22)

Conclusion

You and I are forgiven. There is no need to collect a debt which is already paid. The cross of Jesus Christ has taken care of the sin issue once for all, and not one person reading this is an exception to grace. Here is a final exam, to determine if there is someone we need to forgive:

  1. The Resentment Test: Is there someone you resent? Is there someone who has wronged you?  When you see them or think about them, do you have resentment in your heart?
  2. The Responsibility Test: You say to yourself, “I wouldn’t have this problem if it wasn’t for ________.”  This is passing the buck and believing that my happiness is dependent on another person. The truth is that no one is responsible for your emotional well-being and happiness except you.
  3. The Reminder and Reaction Test: Is there someone who “presses your buttons?” This is when we see or talk to a person who reminds us of someone else who hurt us, and we react to that person by transferring our anger and/or pain onto them.

The Pastor responded to the man mentioned earlier who had lost his wife to another man by saying, “Well, I guess it doesn’t matter if you go to jail because you’re already in jail.  The guy who stole your wife and smirked at your hearing isn’t in jail. You are. You are a prisoner of your own hate, and you are slowly killing yourself.”  A week after that conversation the man called the Pastor and said, “You know, I get your point.  I put the gun away.  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in jail – and I want to get rid of this bitterness.”

The way to do deal with bitterness is through forgiveness. To forgive involves a long journey, just like every other aspect of following Jesus. Hopefully, by retelling the gospel of grace to one another week after week our hearts will be soft.  We will want to begin the journey to forgive others, stumbling forward with hearts torn by hurts, yet set free by grace.

May it be so to the glory of God.