The Lord was attentive to Sarah just as he had said, and the Lord carried out just what he had promised her. She became pregnant and gave birth to a son for Abraham when he was old, at the very time God had told him. Abraham named his son—the one Sarah bore him—Isaac. Abraham circumcised his son Isaac when he was eight days old just as God had commanded him. Abraham was 100 years old when his son Isaac was born. Sarah said, “God has given me laughter. Everyone who hears about it will laugh with me.” She said, “Who could have told Abraham that Sarah would nurse sons? But now I’ve given birth to a son when he was old!” (Common English Bible)

Abram and Sarai had settled into an uncomfortable comfortableness. They lived in Ur of the Chaldees, childless and past child bearing years. I’m sure they expected to live out the rest of their days in the land they had grown up in.

But then, God shook up things. The Lord comes along and calls the two of them to leave their familiar country and go to a new land. Along with the calling came a promise of making them the progenitors of a great nation. And the heir would come from their own biological bodies.

It did not all happen at once. And there were lots of questions. Each time Abraham brought up the issue, God simply restated the promise (Genesis 13:16, 15:2-5, 17:5-6). Abraham and Sarah were (understandably) at some points impatient and took matters into their own hands – which is how we get Ishmael, a son from Sarah’s servant Hagar (Genesis 16).

After Hagar gave birth to Ishmael, God informed Abraham that his heir will be born from Sarah – which (again understandably) evoked laughter. It was downright far-fetched to imagine a 100-year-old man and a 90-year-old woman giving birth to a baby.

It turns out that infertility, even with an old woman, can be surmounted by God. So, anyone settling into an uncomfortable comfortableness may need to switch to a comfortable uncomfortableness of knowing that nothing is impossible with God – which is, of course, what the angel said to a young Mary about becoming pregnant without having been with a man. (Luke 1:26-38)

Plenty of couples today struggle to conceive – even with the availability of infertility treatments and assistive reproductive technologies. And some families still walk away without a child, and instead come away with thousands of dollars of debt. 

I am heartened that Abraham kept bringing up Sarah’s infertility issue to God. And the Lord was never silent about it, but remained adamant that the divine promise would come from the two of them together.

Individual Christians and churches tend to shy away from conversations about infertility. Yet, it’s something for which many people need spiritual and emotional support. Fertile couples may feel awkward talking to infertile couples, but it is very much needed. God didn’t remain silent, so let’s not keep quiet either.

It’s okay to talk about the struggles of infertility. Sometimes we need to name it as an experience of suffering seen and known by God. Many couples need to experience the presence of God and know God is with them in their struggle. For, indeed, God cares about the feelings of women experiencing infertility.

For many families with children, they have the luxury of discussing infertility as a theological issue. And they may offer easy solutions of prayer, or to simply ask for a miracle (as if the barren woman hadn’t already done that a thousand times). Yet, for females longing to carry a child full term, this is a very real problem which involves the whole person – and not only cerebral arguments.

It’s important that the stories and experiences of those who live with the pain and disappointment of infertility are heard by us, and what’s more, honored and lifted up. Women experiencing infertility need our support, and not our silence.

The Lord was attentive to Sarah. We can be attentive to the Sarah’s around us. The following are some ways we can do just that:

1. Validate their feelings

Many women with infertility do not share their struggles with family or friends. This secrecy may lead to feelings of depression, anxiety or low self-worth.  Asking open-ended questions like, “How can I best support you?” or, “What can I do for you during this time?” shows that you want to understand their situation and are willing to have helpful dialogue.

2. Ask, don’t assume

Constantly trying to figure out if someone is pregnant can be upsetting for a person with infertility. Just give them grace and space to talk. If you want to know something, ask. But never try to pull information out of another person.

3. Don’t minimize their situation

Statements such as, “It will happen soon enough” minimize the pain and sorrow a couple may be experiencing. And being overly positive about a situation does not help. Acknowledging the uncertainty is more helpful than giving a false sense of hope.

4. Don’t compare

Every person’s journey with infertility is different. Comparing someone’s situation with someone else’s can create stress and make them feel as if they’re doing something wrong.

Avoid statements such as: 

• “I know a friend who…”
• “Have you tried…”
• “Maybe you should just…”
• “Relax. All that stress is causing your infertility.”
• “Why don’t you just adopt?”

5. Be thoughtful

If you have kids of your own, don’t complain. Things like lack of sleep from caring for a newborn can be painful reminders of what your infertile friend has not been able to have. Yet, that doesn’t mean avoiding your own situation. Be honest and real, but be thoughtful and sensitive. Let another be part of your life, while at the same time, asking about theirs.

6. Be involved

People don’t like to be excluded from knowing details about your experience with kids and want to be invited to important occasions. Let them decide what they want and can do.

If we learn to cry with others in their wondering and discouragement, we will be able to laugh with them when joy abounds. Just ask Sarah.

God of Life,
You fill what is empty,
You make abundant what is scarce,
You bring to bloom what is barren.

We ask your presence and care for all those who seek to be parents. Bless them with the conception, healthy delivery and joyful rearing of children made in your image and likeness. Dwell with them and console them as they wait for the gifts given in your good time.

With Sarah and Abraham, we are bold to pray. Amen.