Tag: how to forgive

Forgive (Mark 11:20-25)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year ALeave a comment
Jesus Cursing the Fig Tree by Ganosh Kelagina Beedu Shenay, 2016

In the morning as they passed by, they saw the fig tree withered away to its roots. Then Peter remembered and said to him, “Rabbi, look! The fig tree that you cursed has withered.” Jesus answered them, “Have faith in God. Truly I tell you, if you say to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and if you do not doubt in your heart but believe that what you say will come to pass, it will be done for you. So I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

“Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.” (New Revised Standard Version)

Sometimes forgiveness seems about as possible as moving a mountain or withering a fig tree. Yet, it can be done. It needs to be done. An unforgiving spirit withers a person from the inside-out.

The heart of the good news in the Bible is forgiveness of sins. It comes through the person and work of Jesus Christ. Forgiveness is both an event, and a process. Forgiveness is to be a constant dynamic within our relationships because we live in a fallen world. 

People sin against us, and others hurt us. We sin against other people and hurt them, too. Relational pain is a reality this side of heaven. Revenge and/or passive-aggressive behavior are neither biblical nor healthy ways of handling our hurt. So, what is a person to do?

We practice forgiveness. The following is some biblical guidance as to what forgiveness is, and is not:

Forgiveness is hard work

God did not promise forgiveness would be easy. He knows exactly the kind of cost it brings. Through the death of Jesus there can be and is forgiveness. The price of forgiveness for Jesus was not cheap.

The blood of bulls and goats and the ashes of a heifer sprinkled on those who are ceremonially unclean sanctify them so that they are outwardly clean.  How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God! (Hebrews 9:13-14, NIV)

Forgiveness is a process

Forgiveness is an ongoing process of putting off bad relational habits and putting on good ones. It takes time and cannot be hasty. Forgiveness must be deliberate with no shortcuts to it, otherwise it will not stick. 

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling, and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:21-32, NIV)

Forgiveness does not mean we condone bad behavior

Forgiveness is not blanket amnesty. It does not simply give another person a “pass” on their hurtful words or actions. Forgiveness means we do not hold the offense over the other person’s head. 

“Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.”

Fred Luskin, Stanford University

We cannot undo the past. Yet, we have control of the present, and can choose to forgive. True forgiveness calls a spade a spade and names the specific offense in all its ugliness, and lets it go.

You’re an evil man! When you begged for mercy, I said you did not have to pay back a cent.  Don’t you think you should show pity to someone else, as I did to you? (Matthew 18:32-33, CEV)

Forgiveness does not always result in reconciliation

It takes two to reconcile. It only takes one to forgive.

I have often been told that it will not do any good to forgive another person because it would not change them. I respectfully retort: That is not the point. We forgive because it is our responsibility to work through our forgiveness issues and do it. We are not in control of whether another person will feel sorry for what they did, or not.  We regulate our own decision to forgive, no matter what the other person does or does not do, or whether they feel the gravity of their sin, or not.

If possible, to the best of your ability, live at peace with all people. (Romans 12:18, CEB)

I [Jesus] say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. (Matthew 5:44, NRSV)

Jesus said [on the cross], “Father, forgive them, because they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34, CSB)

Forgiveness is primarily for our benefit

If we hold on to bitterness toward another for their offense, we only hurt ourselves. Drinking the poison of bitterness will kill you, not the other person. Avoid the magical thinking that they are going to come to you all slobbery sorry for what they said or did. That often does not happen. When it does, it is a beautiful thing. 

Regardless, of another’s decisions, we are to forgive everyone who sins against us just as God has forgiven us.

Forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us…. If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:12, 14-15, NLT)

Forgiveness is to be frequent and generous

The relational currency in God’s kingdom is forgiveness. Without it, we can neither operate well together, nor can we enjoy a satisfying life. However, with forgiveness, there is a demonstration of the practical effects of Christ’s crucifixion to life, not to mention a good witness to a watching world.  

Peter got up the nerve to ask, “Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?” Jesus replied, “Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:21-22, MSG)

Forgiveness is an act of faith

To forgive is risky business. If we hold a grudge like a warm security blanket, to toss aside the odd comfort of unforgiveness will seem strange, even fearful. When we are hunkered down in bitterness, we rarely see how it causes faith to weaken.

The longer the lack of forgiving goes on, the harder it will be to give it up. Faith steps out and acts, believing that God is in it. On the other side is the hope of freedom and peace. Besides, the consequences of unforgiveness are downright unpleasant.

Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others. Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil. (Matthew 6:13-14, MSG)

Forgiveness is a blessing

The end of the matter for many people comes down to the intensely practical. So, here it is: Do you want to be happy or miserable? I am not familiar with anyone who wakes up in the morning and says to themselves, “Well, I think I’ll be miserable today.” No, we want to be happy and blessed. Forgiving others is the path to blessing.

It is a great blessing when people are forgiven for the wrongs they have done, when their sins are erased. (Psalm 32:1, ERV)

May you know the blessing of being forgiven and forgiving others. May this freedom allow you to enjoy the peace of God the encouragement of others. Amen.

To Forgive Is Divine (Genesis 50:15-26)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year ALeave a comment
Joseph pardons his brothers, by Bacchiacca (1495-1557) http://www.nationalgallery.org.uk/paintings/NG1219

When Joseph’s brothers realized that their father was now dead, they said, “What if Joseph bears a grudge against us, and wants to pay us back seriously for all of the terrible things we did to him?” So they approached Joseph and said, “Your father gave orders before he died, telling us, ‘This is what you should say to Joseph. “Please, forgive your brothers’ sins and misdeeds, for they did terrible things to you. Now, please forgive the sins of the servants of your father’s God.”’” Joseph wept when they spoke to him.

His brothers wept too, fell down in front of him, and said, “We’re here as your slaves.”

But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I God? You planned something bad for me, but God produced something good from it, in order to save the lives of many people, just as he’s doing today. Now, don’t be afraid. I will take care of you and your children.” So he put them at ease and spoke reassuringly to them.

Thus Joseph lived in Egypt, he and his father’s household. Joseph lived 110 years and saw Ephraim’s grandchildren. The children of Machir, Manasseh’s son, were also born on Joseph’s knees. Joseph said to his brothers, “I’m about to die. God will certainly take care of you and bring you out of this land to the land he promised to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob.” Joseph made Israel’s sons promise, “When God takes care of you, you must bring up my bones out of here.” Joseph died when he was 110 years old. They embalmed him and placed him in a coffin in Egypt. (Common English Bible)

“All people commit sins and make mistakes. God forgives them, and people are acting in a divine way when they forgive.”

Alexander Pope, “An Essay on Criticism”

If there was anyone who had a supposed right to be bitter and unforgiving, it would be Joseph. His brothers had hated him, left him for dead, sold him into slavery, and lied to their father Jacob about him. For years, Joseph languished in servitude and prison – for no fault of his own.

And yet, Joseph was able to discern that it wasn’t his place to be the judge. At the end of his life, he had the perspective and the insight to understand that all the hardship earlier in his life was noticed by God, and then bent for good and divine purposes in the saving of many lives.

If we can keep in mind that it is God’s business to run the world, and our business to forgive others, then life will go a lot better for everyone.

Many people live discontented lives because they say to themselves, “I will not forget what you did, and I will not forgive.” Persistent thoughts of revenge only serve as a cancer that destroys the mind’s thoughts, erodes the soul, and hinders the heart’s ability to love. 

But people who practice forgiveness are much less likely to be hateful, hostile, and belligerent toward others. They are healthier and happier, and more at peace.

I’ve had many people tell me over the years, “But you don’t know what I’ve been through.” My typical response is, “You don’t know what I’ve been through, either. You may not even believe some of the things I have experienced, and some of the things that have happened to me and were said to me. So, can I tell you what I have done to forgive those who have sinned against me?”

1. When I am trying to forgive someone, I pray for them.

It’s hard to keep resenting someone and wish them ill, whenever you are praying for them on a regular basis. Joseph was the victim of his brothers’ abuse. If there was ever a dysfunctional family to grow up in, it was Joseph’s. Being sold into slavery by your own brothers and being the target of their derision would cause anyone to be upset. But, many years later, Joseph chose to forgive his brothers. He acted with their best interests at mind. He prayed for them and did not actively work against them. What’s more, he saw the hand of God in it all.

2. I write a letter of forgiveness (which I may or may not send).

In the letter I write in full detail how the person hurt me. I leave nothing out. I express exactly how it made me feel, and how it affected my life. Then, I express forgiveness and say that I will not hold the offense over their head. The following is a five-step process for forgiving others using the acrostic REACH:

Recall 

Name the hurt, and name it squarely. Don’t fudge by saying it’s not that bad, or as bad as others have experienced. Call it what it is: deceit, stealing, harassment, assault, abuse, adultery, verbal shaming, murder, etc. 

The Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa after apartheid was based on providing full disclosure of all crimes. Those that stepped forward, giving a complete account of their actions, were offered a full pardon. 

Archbishop Desmond Tutu, who led the commission, was most struck by how many people wanted to hear what had happened to their loved ones from the perpetrators themselves so that they could know whom to forgive. Methinks we have much to learn from our African brothers and sisters.

Empathize

Try and see the offense from the other person’s perspective. Attempt to put yourself in the other’s shoes. This does not mean we paper over the offense; it just means we don’t demonize another as a monster. That only feeds and fuels our own lack of forgiveness. When we view others as non-human, then we feel no responsibility to forgive.

Altruistic

Choose to do the right thing and treat the other person well, not necessarily because they deserve it, but because it is within your control to extend grace. Again, this is what Joseph chose to do with his brothers. He gave them words of assurance, and promises of taking care of them and their children.

Commit

Commit to practicing forgiveness. Make the decision to do it. Don’t wait too long for your feelings to catch up to you.  

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

The Apostle Paul (Colossians 3:13, NIV)

Hold

Hold on to your forgiveness. Just because you make the decision to forgive does not mean you’ll never have to do it again. Once you have forgiven, let it be a stake in the ground in which you look back to it again and again, saying, “I forgave him/her, and I will not let the enemy of my soul keep trying to make me bitter about it all over again.” 

One of the reasons we repeat the Lord’s Prayer Sunday after Sunday in my church is to keep forgiving those who have sinned against us.

3. I talk to a trusted friend, mentor, or counselor about my effort to forgive.

Many people get stuck and have an inability to forgive because they don’t seek a wise person to help them walk through the process of forgiving. 

The easy path is to complain about the offense to someone we know who will react with the same level of disgust and spirit of revenge that we ourselves have in our hearts. But that only reinforces the bitterness. We must have someone who can offer us what we need to hear, and not only what we want to hear.

Forgiveness is at the heart of the gospel, and, so, ought to be at the core of a healthy spiritual life. It is always open season on offering grace, forgiveness, and reconciliation. To see all of life from a divine perspective is to forgive.

Pray like this:

Our Father who is in heaven,

uphold the holiness of your name.

Bring in your kingdom

so that your will is done on earth as it’s done in heaven.

Give us the bread we need for today.

Forgive us for the ways we have wronged you,

just as we also forgive those who have wronged us.

And don’t lead us into temptation,

but rescue us from the evil one.

If you forgive others their sins, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you don’t forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:9-15, CEB)

Forgiveness Is Real

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Exploring Church Ministry BlogLeave a comment
 
 
When my girls were small and growing up in West Michigan, they always enjoyed going to Meijer, which is a something like a Super Wal-Mart and a Super-Target combined.  At Meijer they have a row of mechanical horses that only cost a penny to ride.  Riding the horses was always the highlight of shopping for them.  On one occasion their aunt came for a visit and brought a coffee can full of pennies and took them to Meijer just to ride the horses for an afternoon.  All three of my girls are now grown adult women.  They do not ride mechanical horses anymore.  They now ride real live horses.  As excited as they were to ride mechanical horses, my daughters now have no desire to do so because those horses were only a simulation of the real thing.
 
            As Christians, since Christ has come as the true and real sacrifice for sin, we are no longer to be content with simulations and copies of the real deal.  And we are to know the difference between them.  Our forgiveness is not a simulation, not a copy or a shadow, but is real because Christ is the real thing (Hebrews 9:24-28). 
 
            When my wife and I were raising those three very active and precocious girls, we had a certain process we would go through with them when they did something wrong toward one another.  We would talk about the offense, and then they would need to say the words, “I am sorry.”  But the matter was never over until they hugged each other and told each other they loved the other.  If they could do that, it was the real deal.  You see, they could mouth the words to get us off their backs, but to hug and express love was the reality.
 
            Jesus did not just mouth words to us of forgiveness.  He secured it through his death on a cross.  It is not a cheap forgiveness.  It is real.  Christ died a very violent death.  This whole emphasis in Scripture on blood and sacrifice can be upsetting for many people.  But we need to understand that our sin and disobedience is really terrible.  Christ’s death reflects the horrible sin of humanity.  Since Jesus has secured forgiveness for us at such a steep price, we are to receive it with much humility and a great deal of joy that God would love us so much.
 
            Jesus Christ came to deal with the sin issue once for all through his blood.  He came to do away with sin, not just veneer over it.  The old sacrificial system was like whitewashing a barn – it took care of the issue for a while, but it would need to be done over and over again.  Jesus is no temporary arrangement.  The forgiveness he offers is permanent.  There is no need to keep offering sacrifices over and over because Christ is the sacrifice to end all sacrifices.  The forgiveness we possess is not like paying an annual fee and getting a forgiveness sticker for the year.  In Jesus Christ, we are forgiven!  And this forgiveness was purchased with Christ’s own blood.
 
I truly believe that what this old world needs more than anything else is forgiveness – not a cheap sentimental forgiving, but a real forgiveness that is so costly that it lasts forever and ever.  A lot of religious energy can be spent trying to figure out how to make ourselves acceptable to God.  But in Christ we do not need to fear the future.  We have been made right with God through the death of Jesus.  Through Christ’s sacrifice the doors to heaven and earth get flung wide open.  The way has been secured, the trail has been blazed, and the road has been made smooth in order to come to God.
 

 

Jesus did not die on the cross and rise from the dead so that we could live ho-hum Christian lives.  He has granted us forgiveness so that we will eagerly eat the Word of God and sit right up front to hear the preacher serve the meal.  Jesus sacrificed himself so that we would enjoy laboring together in the gospel, looking forward to how the Spirit will transform lives through his forgiveness.  The price has been paid for a real forgiveness which opens our minds and our energies to live for Jesus, the pioneer of our faith.