Tag: grief

“Oh, That My Words Were Recorded” (Job 19:23-27a)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year CLeave a comment

“Oh, that my words were recorded,
    that they were written on a scroll,
that they were inscribed with an iron tool on lead,
    or engraved in rock forever!
I know that my redeemer lives,
    and that in the end he will stand on the earth.
And after my skin has been destroyed,
    yet in my flesh I will see God;
I myself will see him
    with my own eyes—I, and not another. (New International Version)

The biblical character Job expressed a feeling that all of us, at one time or another, have likely felt: Longing for someone to actually hear our voice, our words of grief, listen to them, and not let them fall into oblivion as if we were alone on this earth.

Job was hurting like no one before or after him. His grief was palpable. His pain was deep and intense. Not knowing what the heck was going on, he had zero understanding of why complete calamity came upon him.

Job’s family was killed, all but his wife. He lost all his earthly possessions to either theft or disaster. And his body was wracked with painful sores that covered his entire body. He was as miserable as one person could be. It was grief stacked upon grief.

In that misery and pain, after losing everything, Job didn’t want his words to be lost. He wanted them to be heard and remembered. Job needed to know that his voice was real, that he was not just speaking into the air.

This gets to the heart of what every grieving person likely wants: For someone to listen to their story of loss – for that story to be heard, listened to, and taken seriously.

I know the feeling. And I know it a bit more intimately than I would like to.

In this past year I was diagnosed with a health disorder that prevented me from continuing to work in a job I absolutely loved. This precipitated a move to another state to be near family. And there are many more losses and griefs to go along with all the changes in my life.

Going through circumstances that we neither asked for nor wanted is hard, especially when it involves significant losses. Without facing our grief, like Job did, we may end up losing ourselves and becoming lost or stuck in that grief.

Rather than me blithering on about the need for vulnerability, I myself will be vulnerable. One of the ways I accept, cope, and transcend hard stuff is through journaling. Here is a portion of my journal from today, unedited:

“I can feel myself sinking down toward the abyss. The darkness is beginning to overwhelm me. Everything – the changes, the transitions, the grief, the state of all things – is too much.

“Lord, have mercy.

“And so, I write, in the hope that my grief and big feelings of loss and of lostness will somehow fade into the background – not the foreground – of my life. Yes, it’s all a part of me. A very important part. And I never want to disavow it. Yet, it is only a part, and not the whole of me.

“Maybe that’s the thing I need to know and remember this day – that grief is not all of me; doesn’t define me as a person; and need not rule my life. There is some sort of ‘sweet spot’ in all this, in which I vulnerably and forthrightly acknowledge and talk about my grief without stuffing it away into an internal junk closet. But also, I do not necessarily focus on it as if grief is all that I am.

“Rather, I’m (like all other people) a complicated soul made up of many moving spiritual and emotional parts.

“It is ironic that a guy who once talked to grieving people on a daily basis is now grieving the loss of no longer talking to grieving people on a daily basis. Yet, here I am.

“One of the reasons I derived so much fulfillment from doing grief work with others is that it is so very much needed! I live in a society where everyone wants you to be okay, likely because they themselves are so very uncomfortable with grief and don’t know what to do with it. So, many people simply want everyone to be ‘normal,’ whatever the heck that actually means.

“Loss is painful, and no one (including me) wants to hurt. But the pain won’t go away magically. I (and everyone) must face the hurt, walk into and through the pain in order to feel better.

“To open-up to the unique pain of loss is the only way to realize emotional healing. In order to move on, we’ve got to stop trying to move on. Instead, let it out.

“In writing this I’m reminding myself what I’ve told hundreds of patients and parishioners who were going through their own unique circumstances of painful loss. Strength is found in embracing weakness, and not by trying to soldier on as if loss doesn’t bother me. It’s okay to grieve. And it’s okay to grieve any sort of loss. It’s more than okay; it’s absolutely needed.”

Eternally righteous God, merciful judge of all the living: In your love you called us to share the glory of Christ. Strengthen our hearts in every good work and word, so that we may be steadfast in your ways and always believe your truth. Amen.

Spiritually and Emotionally Overwhelmed

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality BlogLeave a comment
Gethsemane – His Will, by Lucy Dickens

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
    from where will my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
    who made heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1-2, NRSV)

“You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.” – Timber Hawkeye

Even Jesus got overwhelmed.

He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:37-39, New International Version)

Jesus was so spiritually and emotionally overwhelmed, he felt so bad, that depression and grief were a powerful part of his experience in the garden as he anticipated facing his horrendous death.

Yes, Jesus became grieved and depressed. Not only did he express such emotions in prayer, but he also told his feelings to his disciples. I personally don’t know of any leader – either in the world or in the church – that would ever admit such a thing to his/her parishioners, employees, or constituents.

Christ confessed that his very soul was encircled with grief-stricken depression. The weight of the emotion was so heavy that Jesus felt as though he was being crushed to death.

“It is one thing for Jesus to feel this way; but should a leader tell his followers he feels this way? Isn’t a part of effective leadership keeping fears from followers? But if Jesus having depression has already taught us it is acceptable, at times, to be depressed, then Jesus talking about his depression teaches that it is acceptable, at times, for leaders to tell followers the bad state of their souls.” – Frederick Dale Bruner, The Church Book: Matthew 13-28

If Jesus needed human companionship and the ability to bear his soul, then how much more do his followers need to do so? And especially the clerics who are ordained to his ministry?

Becoming overwhelmed is a universal human experience:

May my prayer come before you;
    turn your ear to my cry.

I am overwhelmed with troubles
    and my life draws near to death.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
    I am like one without strength. (Psalm 88:2-4, New International Version)

We may become overwhelmed by being devastated or feeling overpowered by a confluence of circumstances all at once. To be overwhelmed is to experience several big emotions all at once – including an awful feeling of estrangement from God and/or others.

Whenever complicated grief, relational distance, traumatic experiences, and too many responsibilities come together, they create a perfect storm which can leave us stuck, lonely, and chronically tired.

There are times when it seems as if every time we turn around, there’s another big shoe that drops. We might end up dealing with so many large circumstances and important situations happening at the same time, that we become spiritually and emotionally overwhelmed with it all.

Although it’s easy to become overwhelmed, it’s hard to get over those big, troubled feelings. Yet, we can do it. We can initially calm ourselves enough to function.

Yet, we also need to understand that the emotional array surrounding our difficult circumstances will take more than a few minutes and a few breathing exercises to overcome; it could take weeks, months, even longer.

What’s more, going forward, there will always be a need to listen to our bodies, be attentive to our feelings, and remain in touch with our gut instincts.

We could use some helpful habits to serve us well, whenever we sense the tug toward that sinking feeling of becoming spiritually and emotionally overwhelmed:

  • Sit with your emotions, especially the grief. That is, acknowledge your feelings, and actually let yourself feel them, and express them in positive ways that don’t damage others or their property.
  • Identify and list your current stressors. Then, prioritize them as to which you will work on first. Avoid multi-tasking. Breaking down your life into manageable pieces, done over time with patience, is a healthy way of approaching the behemoth in front of you.
  • Write out your experiences. Keep a daily journal. Focus on expressing both your emotions and your gratitude. The act of writing in and of itself is a powerful means of bringing health, wholeness, and some sort of sense to your situations.
  • Create art. Learn a musical instrument, write your own poetry, sculpt, or paint. Let any anger and frustration come out through your art, rather than coming out sideways onto others through verbal violence.
  • Discover new or alternative spiritual practices, i.e. mindfulness, meditation, Reiki, aromatherapy, breath prayers, etc. Crazy new circumstances you’ve never experienced before may require some seemingly new or strange practices you’ve never tried before.
  • Change the story you are telling yourself. Look for parts of your experience within your control. Learn from the past. Consider what you might do differently in the future in similar situations. In other words, let your story not be one big nasty carbuncle on your soul; allow it to be a companion that teaches you.
  • Consider having a comfort animal. Caring for a pet fosters emotional healing. This one addition to your life could change it immeasurably for good.
  • Engage your inner critic. Face the judgment you may be giving yourself and replace it with grace. Work on dropping the ego and becoming your true self. And there is perhaps no better way of this happening than facing your inner critic.
  • Exercise. Pay attention to where you carry stress in your body. Find an enjoyable way of moving your body.
  • Connect with others. Join a group of like-minded people, such as a faith community or a volunteer organization. Tell your story to another trusted person, such as a friend, therapist, or pastor.
  • Find your identity. Most spiritual traditions take a high view of humanity as having intrinsic worth. As for me, I know to whom I belong: God. Having my identity firmly in Christ – and not in my abilities, or the lack of them – makes all the difference.

Our limitations, screw-ups, diseases, disorders, and disasters need not define our lives. There is no shame in admitting when we are full of sorrow, in the throes of grief, experiencing depression, or living in an awful situation.

Taking Jesus as an example, we have the courage to face stressful adversity and become the people we were always meant to become.

May the places of darkness within you be turned towards the light. And may you know divine shelter and healing blessing when you are called to stand in the place of pain. Amen.

A Psalm of Lament For the Government of the United States of America

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Pastor Tim's PonderingsLeave a comment

Many, if not most, people fail to acknowledge their grief, and therefore fail to lament their significant changes and losses in life.

What’s more, many, if not most, Christians do the same thing because they focus too much upon triumphalism to the exclusion of dealing with suffering. “Just get over it!” is the mantra to themselves and others.

But that is not a biblical approach to change and loss. 62 out of the 150 Psalms in the Old Testament are laments; some are communal, and others are individual expressions of grief.

Even God laments. We must never forget that a major role of God in our own loss is that the Lord grieves and laments along with us.

Keep in mind that grief can attach itself to any significant change or loss; it is the normal emotional, spiritual, physical, and relational reaction to that loss.

Lament is an intentional process of letting go of relationships and dreams, and living into a new identity after the loss or change.

Please know that everyone’s grief is personal; there is no one-size-fits-all. Thus, the following psalm of lament is my own. It is not meant to be a dig on someone else who rejoices in what I happen to lament. It’s just simply my own sadness over the state of affairs in my beloved nation…

O Lord, I’ll get right down to it: Help!

          I have always taken my refuge in You.

Rescue us, the American people;

          free us from the injustice and unrighteousness rampant in our government.

Be a strong rock to which the oppressed may rely upon;

be a place where I may always go.

You, O God, have saved us many times in the past,

          and Your divine providence has guided us, despite our past and many sins.

My God, free the innocent and the poor from the hands of wicked persons,
         from the grasp of the cruel and unjust President of the United States.

For decades, members of both political parties agreed to safely regulate business;

they’ve decided to provide a social safety net, promote infrastructure, and protect civil rights.

Ideally, the U.S. government has sought to protect every American,

by access to education, healthcare, transportation, communication, employment, and resources.

And elected officials thought primarily of the common good,

so that every American could work hard and prosper.

But what is happening today in the United States,

is the same thing which occurred so long ago in ancient times.

We are in similar situations when the Old Testament prophets called out greed,

          injustice, and abuse in Israel and Judah.

Hear this word that I take up over you in lamentation, O house of Israel…  

They [the rich and powerful] hate the one who reproves in the gate,
    and they abhor the one who speaks the truth.
Therefore because you trample on the poor
    and take from them levies of grain,
you have built houses of hewn stone,
    but you shall not live in them;
you have planted pleasant vineyards,
    but you shall not drink their wine.
For I know how many are your transgressions
    and how great are your sins—
you who afflict the righteous, who take a bribe
    and push aside the needy in the gate.

Hate evil and love good,
    and establish justice in the gate. (Amos 5:1, 10-12, 15a, NRSV)

Perhaps because so few persons even read the prophetic books anymore,

our ignorance has allowed evil means and ways to take over the government.

We are in a nation and in a world full of oligarchs,

who care only for their exorbitant wealth, abuse of power, and self-interest.

As for me, I will not amble down the path of injustice,

          but walk the path of light and life.

I will embrace truth and harmony,

          unlike so many Republican politicians and their lackeys.

They say one thing and then do another;

          lies and corruption are on their lips.

If we say we are in harmony with him [God] yet walk a path of darkness,
we are living a lie and not following the truth…
If we say that we have no broken ways,
we are lying to ourselves,
and the truth is not alive in us.

(1 John 1:6, 8, First Nations Version)

I must, I will, view our problems differently,

because You are my hope, O Almighty Lord.

You have been my confidence ever since I was young;
          I depended on You through many hard times.

My songs of praise constantly speak about You,

for You are my strong refuge,

the Rock I have built my life upon.

Therefore, my mouth is filled with your praise,

and with your glory all day long.

I make my appeal to You, merciful God;

          I ask for divine intervention and deliverance,

          from the ignorant and sinister machinations of the U.S. President.

Do not reject us forever, O Lord,

or abandon us whenever we are too weak to carry on.

My political (and spiritual) enemies talk about me behind my back,

and plot their evil schemes to silence the truth.

They say, “God is not with him and his nonsense;

          put him in his place because no one will help him.”

O God, be close to me, and to all who love the truth;

          O Lord, come quickly to my aid.

Let those who traffic in lies come to a shameful end;

          let them be covered with disgrace and humiliation.

As for me, I will always have hope,

          because You are the God of all hope.

I vow to testify when Your righteousness wins the Day;

          I will never cease to praise Your sacred way of life.

Even when I am old and my mind is no longer clear,

          do not abandon me, O God.

Let me continue to tell the people of this age

what Your divine strength has accomplished,

to someday tell about how Your power delivered us from evil leadership.

Your righteousness and justice reaches to the heavens, O God;

You have done great things.

O Lord, who is like You?

          saving the poor from injustice,

          and delivering the oppressed from evil.

We, indeed, are enduring many terrible troubles;

          yet You, God, are expert at restoration, right relations, and harmonious ways.

You are the One who comforts the afflicted,

and the One who afflicts the comfortable.

Because of your faithful and steadfast love, O God,

          I will give thanks to You as long as I live.

As long as I have a mouth to speak,

          I will tell about your righteousness all day long.

Evil will not prevail;

          ungodly leadership shall not endure.

May Your divine and loving ways come to this country, O God,

          and may your moral will be done,

          on this earth, as it is always done in Your heaven. Amen.

The Almighty Has Dealt Bitterly with Me (Ruth 1:18-22)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year BLeave a comment
Statue of Ruth and Naomi, by Leonard Baskin (1922-2000)

When Naomi saw that she was determined to go with her, she said no more to her.

So the two of them went on until they came to Bethlehem. When they came to Bethlehem, the whole town was stirred because of them, and the women said, “Is this Naomi?” She said to them,

“Call me no longer Naomi;
    call me Mara,
    for the Almighty has dealt bitterly with me.
I went away full,
    but the Lord has brought me back empty;
why call me Naomi
    when the Lord has dealt harshly with me
    and the Almighty has brought calamity upon me?”

So Naomi returned together with Ruth the Moabite, her daughter-in-law, who came back with her from the country of Moab. They came to Bethlehem at the beginning of the barley harvest. (New Revised Standard Version)

A famine in Judah had brought Naomi and her husband Elimelech to the country of Moab. While there, they had two sons who eventually married two Moabite women: Orpah and Ruth. Over time, each of the husbands died, leaving Naomi and her two daughters-in-law as widows.

Naomi heard that things were finally better in her native Judah. So, she decided to go there, alone. Naomi encouraged her daughters-in-law to remain with their own people and remarry. Orpah did so. Ruth, however, wasn’t having it.

Ruth was determined to stay with her mother-in-law – which meant that she would enter Judah as a foreigner. Despite Naomi’s insistence that Ruth do what is best for herself, Ruth stuck with Naomi.

Once they arrived, the people of Naomi’s hometown were surprised to see the two of them. Naomi was not shy about communicating her bitterness in losing a husband and two sons. She commented that God had turned against her and made her life hard and bitter.

In saying that the Lord had emptied her and brought calamity, Naomi was not speaking against God. Rather, Naomi was expressing some significant theology that has become lost to many modern day Christians around the globe.

Ruth and Naomi, by Morris Nathanson (1927-2022)

I believe that Ruth was not expressing something malevolent about God, but rather made a statement of faithful recognition, not unlike what Job had to say when he lost his family and his health:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return there; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21, NRSV)

No one can escape the dark side of life. Yet, we can deal with that darkness intelligently. It is most necessary to be aware that light creates a shadow that was not there before. The bigger and brighter the light, the bigger and darker the shadow.

There is a centuries old idiom which says, “You can’t have your cake, and eat it, too!” This is a proverbial way of saying that we cannot expect everything to always be good in this life; we must also accept that we cannot always have our way, and that we will go without, experiencing loss.

Whether we want to acknowledge it, or not, an integral part of life is receiving some bad things from God. The Lord does not just go around dispensing everyone’s wishes and making everything a utopia of unicorns and butterflies.

God is most certainly benevolent; yet God also brings darkness to people. We cannot have the Light of the world without experiencing the world’s darkness. Another way of stating this is that a very big God creates quite a large shadow.

In Christianity, the predominant symbol is the cross. The Cross of Christ is both light and dark. Christians may reflexively associate the cross with salvation from sin, while forgetting that the cross is an instrument of torture and death, a tool of execution, like an electric chair.

We must honor the axis crossing at the center of the cross. It is the place of equilibrium, the place of wholeness, where we have the opportunity of integrating all of that unwanted grief and loss into our lives. Failing to do this, let alone neglecting to acknowledge the shadowy places of our hearts, brings harm and hurt to ourselves and to the world.

Naomi acknowledged the shadow. She accepted the darkness, which enabled her to return to her homeland of Judah, the very place where the God of light and dark is worshiped.

I’m not talking about the sort of darkness that is malevolent and mean-spirited, the darkness which comes from Satan. I’m talking about the darkness which weans us away from all things and the ways that hinder us from knowing God.

This is what St. John of the Cross was referring to in naming the dark night of the soul. In our quest to experience union with God, we journey through the darkness, and learn that purification isn’t simply putting something impure away. Purity of heart comes through joining with the God who is pure love itself.

“In the dark night of the soul, bright flows the river of God.”

St. John of the Cross

God loves us so much as to be nailed to a cross and suffer darkness. The Christian is to take up their cross and follow Jesus. That is, we embrace the darkness with an honest engagement of God and God’s world, and through a vulnerable assessment of our own shadow.

For if we fail to acknowledge our shadow, we shall fail to be in union with God.

Not only do many people disown the parts of themselves they don’t like, but they do the same with God – thus making God into their own image of how God should be, instead of taking God as God is.

If you have ears to hear, take this to heart: To accept and honor your own shadow is a profound and necessary spiritual discipline. By “shadow” I mean all of the characteristics of myself that I withhold from others, so that they will only see what I want them to see.

We often put a false self out into the world, for others to see. It is a sort of psychological clothing we wear, much as we have actual clothing. Whether the clothes are real or metaphorical, we dress ourselves in the particular way we want to be seen.

Naomi was a true Israelite, showing her honest true self. There was no separation or division between the inner self and the self she presented to others.

I tend to think that Naomi knew something about God that many don’t know today – and was therefore able to be faithful to both her people and her God.

It is no wonder, then, that Ruth wanted to remain with her mother-in-law Naomi, who was a real person acknowledging the real God.

Almighty God and Father, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen: You are the God of light who illumines our way. And You are the God of darkness who is shadowed in mystery. In knowing You, may I know myself; and in knowing myself, may I more fully know You. Amen.