Tag: gaslighting

A Time of Woe (Isaiah 5:15-24)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year BLeave a comment
The Prophet Isaiah, by Raphael, 1512

So people will be brought low
    and everyone humbled,
    the eyes of the arrogant humbled.
But the Lord Almighty will be exalted by his justice,
    and the holy God will be proved holy by his righteous acts.
Then sheep will graze as in their own pasture;
    lambs will feed among the ruins of the rich.

Woe to those who draw sin along with cords of deceit,
    and wickedness as with cart ropes,
to those who say, “Let God hurry;
    let him hasten his work
    so we may see it.
The plan of the Holy One of Israel—
    let it approach, let it come into view,
    so we may know it.”

Woe to those who call evil good
    and good evil,
who put darkness for light
    and light for darkness,
who put bitter for sweet
    and sweet for bitter.

Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes
    and clever in their own sight.

Woe to those who are heroes at drinking wine
    and champions at mixing drinks,
who acquit the guilty for a bribe,
    but deny justice to the innocent.
Therefore, as tongues of fire lick up straw
    and as dry grass sinks down in the flames,
so their roots will decay
    and their flowers blow away like dust;
for they have rejected the law of the Lord Almighty
    and spurned the word of the Holy One of Israel. (New International Version)

I’m willing to bet that you, like me, have had to contend with some rather annoying and obnoxious people from time to time in your life.

It’s the person whose head is so big, they can barely walk in and out of a room. And when they talk, it’s usually about themselves, the great things they’ve done, and what they think – not framed as opinions but as the truth.

Since this sort of person rarely listens to anyone, they have no clue about the real needs of people in front of them. Their self-inflated importance is to the degree that they don’t ask and are not curious; yet they demand of others. They see no problem with double-standards. It’s okay for them to bribe, even steal from another. But if you cross the self-important person, look out, because they’ll hunt you down like an animal.

Yes, such people exist. And there are typically some deep psychological reasons why they are so arrogant and difficult to be around. Yet the best thing to know about them is that the true Sovereign of the universe, God, is the rightful judge who will handle them.

If you see a path of destruction on the ground, you know a tornado has touched down and done its damage. And if you observe a bunch of people devastated and demoralized, you know that the haughty and self-important person has been through and laid waste to people’s lives.

The Lord almighty is not okay with such people moving about and hurting others with impunity; the wicked will have to contend with the One who knows what’s going on.

God looks and sees – and pronounces appropriate woes (curses) upon those who feign righteousness and holiness, yet in reality do anything but.

You can easily tell what God abhors by what sorts of behavior receives a disapproving woe upon it. God condemns self-indulgence and self-absorption. This shows itself in how one drinks and does business. The sheer accumulation of land, resources, and strong drink – without any sort of regard to one’s neighbor – is a foolish use of wealth.

The self-absorbed and self-important person becomes desensitized to the needs of others. They also become insensitive to God’s concerns and workings in the world. To disregard the poor and needy is to disregard God. Such injustice, resulting from only caring about oneself, is why the Lord levels divine woes upon them.

Actions and inactions both have consequences. Acting selfishly through wanton accumulation is an equal inaction against the community. As a result of so much economic disparity and carelessness in society, God displaces and deports the ones who arrogantly and smugly believed they are secure.

There is accountability in this world, even though it may not sometimes seem like it. There are ethical requirements and moral imperatives. The social laws contained in the covenant code between God and Israel were expected to be honored. So, when they were continually and habitually ignored, the Lord held the people accountable.

The selfishly proud and arrogant, who acquire all they can and become masters of small worlds, will eventually face ruin by means of divine judgment. It’s as if persons had so loaded their backpacks with sin, that it became heavy to the point of self-crushing.

Divine intervention is either a very good thing, or a very bad thing, depending upon who you are. People are expected to be self-aware enough to know the difference between right and wrong, bad and good, just and unjust. To not know this is to be self-addicted and unable to make proper discernments and decisions.

If you are reading or listening to this, you are likely a person who is concerned enough to care for others and is not lost in yourself. Yet, you likely have to contend with a few persons who are only in this life for themselves. So, watch out and do your best to avoid people who do the following:

  • Manipulate through deceptive language. There are some people in positions of authority or power who intentionally obscure, cover up, and confuse things. If you never know how things stand and are doing, then beware.
  • Independent without accountability. There is no interdependent relationships, and only obedience when it suits them. The constant caginess, and lack of vulnerability, is a warning. If you feel like you’re being micro-managed without much ability to ask specific questions and get straight answers, then look out.
  • Distort how things really are. I’m talking about gaslighting. Gaslighting is the attempt by another to accept the gaslighter’s view of reality as your own. And in the gaslighter’s quest, it seems to you as if there is continually chaos and you are off kilter. If you question it to them, then you will most likely be accused of having a problem. It’s not you. So, skedaddle the first chance you get.

The bottom line of it all is that God is rejected and there are people reneging on their commitments to the Lord. You need not be such a person, and you don’t need to live in such a way that another is in complete control of your life – other than God.

Take note of what the Lord dislikes and despises, and keep away from persons who set up themselves as being akin to God.

Grant us, Lord God, a vision of your world as your love would have it:
a world where the weak are protected, and none go hungry or poor;
a world where the riches of creation are shared, and everyone can enjoy them;
a world where different races and cultures live in harmony and mutual respect;
a world where peace is built with justice, and justice is guided by love.
Give us the inspiration and courage to build it, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Acts 17:1-9 – Beware of Jealousy

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year CLeave a comment

When Paul and his companions had passed through Amphipolis and Apollonia, they came to Thessalonica, where there was a Jewish synagogue. As was his custom, Paul went into the synagogue, and on three Sabbath days he reasoned with them from the Scriptures, explaining and proving that the Messiah had to suffer and rise from the dead. “This Jesus I am proclaiming to you is the Messiah,” he said. Some of the Jews were persuaded and joined Paul and Silas, as did a large number of God-fearing Greeks and quite a few prominent women.

But other Jews were jealous; so, they rounded up some bad characters from the marketplace, formed a mob and started a riot in the city. They rushed to Jason’s house in search of Paul and Silas in order to bring them out to the crowd. But when they did not find them, they dragged Jason and some other believers before the city officials, shouting: “These men who have caused trouble all over the world have now come here, and Jason has welcomed them into his house. They are all defying Caesar’s decrees, saying that there is another king, one called Jesus.” When they heard this, the crowd and the city officials were thrown into turmoil. Then they made Jason and the others post bond and let them go. (New International Version)

Inevitably, whenever someone makes a splash and does something which receives a great deal of attention and/or kudos, there’s somebody else grumping in the background with jealousy.

A jealous person is a dangerous person. They seek to topple the object of their jealousy so that attention can be diverted on them.

It is an insidious game which the jealous play. Often, gaslighting is their major tool of choice – to spin circumstances in such a way that others will accept the jealous person’s view of events.

There is a difference between persuasion and gaslighting

Paul sought to persuade people that Jesus is the Messiah by understanding his audience, connecting their spiritual values with his, demonstrating competence and compassion, being clear and concise, and exemplifying a genuine spirit of integrity. Paul painted a compelling picture which was winsome and benefited the people.

Whereas his fellow Jews observed Paul’s success at persuasion and chose to gaslight the crowd by telling outright lies, playing on people’s fears, questioning motives, creating doubt, and withholding information. It is an emotionally abusive form of speaking which paints an awful picture of what will happen if the other person (Paul) has his way.

Paul had the people’s (and God’s) best interests at heart…

…the other Jews were looking out for themselves and had their own interests in mind.

Jealous persons often try to use gaslighting techniques to get their way. It’s what Satan tried to do with God, more than once.

We live in an age of envy

Jealousy is rife in our world, especially in the envy-laced West. Westerners have job-envy, food-envy, body-envy, house-envy, and a hundred other jealousies, mostly fueled by capitalist marketers who are, either knowingly or unknowingly, economic gaslighters – picturing for us a world of things we supposedly need.

And social media ups the ante by allowing millions of people to put forth a reality of themselves to others which isn’t real, at all – which ends up fomenting jealousy in others who believe they deserve this picture, as well.

If this all sounds weird and convoluted, well, it is. But that’s what jealousy does. It twists things to such a degree that we don’t even know what’s real anymore.

Jealousy survives and thrives through comparison – looking at another and deciding I need what they have. Then, unfortunately, the next logical step, for many, is to knock that other person down a few pegs so that I can get some of that attention and receive some of that stuff.

Jealousy and envy can take a very dark turn, at any time

Going beyond disparaging a person, there can be a malicious and underhanded bent to destroy what someone else has. Not just wanting it for yourself but wanting other people not to have it. This is a deep-seated resentment which breathes hatred and destruction. It’s the kind of jealousy the Jews had for Paul.

We all get jealous, at times; it’s part of the human condition. So, here’s a healthy way of dealing with it, instead of going dark and vengeful: Just as our hunger tells us we need to eat, the feeling of jealousy, if we will listen to it in the right way, can show us what is missing from our lives that really matters to us.

Acknowledging and naming the jealousy for what it is, then opens us to determine what my real need is, which perhaps, might not be getting met. We all have legitimate needs for love, belonging, and purpose. It’s just that we sometimes seek to meet those needs in illegitimate ways – like envy.

In a society where expressing needs may be looked upon as selfish or weak, many people opt to hustle for those needs through convincing a bunch of rabblerousers that another should get beat up and disparaged.

Let’s not do that… Let’s not start a riot.

It’s both okay and vital that we learn to ask for what we need and want – because the alternative isn’t going to end well.

Lord Jesus, fill us, your people, with charity, compassion, faith, gentleness, hope, humility, joy, kindness, light, love, mercy, modesty, patience, peace, purity, security, tranquility, trust, truth, understanding, and wisdom. Help us to walk in light and in truth, illuminated by the Holy Spirit so that together we may praise, honor, and glorify Our Father today and throughout all time. Amen.

Psalm 120 – Gaslighting Trouble

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year CLeave a comment
Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer in the 1944 film, “Gaslight”

I’m in trouble. I cry to God,
    desperate for an answer:
“Deliver me from the liars, God!
    They smile so sweetly but lie through their teeth.”

Do you know what’s next, can you see what’s coming,
    all you bold-faced liars?
Pointed arrows and burning coals
    will be your reward.

I’m doomed to live in Meshech,
    cursed with a home in Kedar,
My whole life lived camping
    among quarreling neighbors.
I’m all for peace, but the minute
    I tell them so, they go to war! (The Message)

I wish we lived in a world where people always speak and live the truth in love, without lying, pretense, or posturing. But we don’t. Not everyone embraces a life of encouraging others through truthful affirmation and selfless acts of service.

In reading today’s psalm, I immediately think of all the patients I’ve seen as a chaplain on my behavioral health unit who have been gaslighted.

“Gaslighting” is a recent term, yet the concept is as old as Satan’s interaction with Adam and Eve in the Garden. The word comes from the 1944 movie, “Gaslight,” starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. In the attempt to drive his wife insane, the husband rigs the gaslights of the house so they will flicker at night. Whenever his wife comments on it, her husband flat-out lies and says the lights are not flickering at all. I’ll let you watch the film yourself to see what happens.

A person who “gaslights” uses psychological manipulation to gain and assert control over someone or some group. Gaslighters actively undermine others, using their words against them, plotting nefarious plans for them behind their backs, lying without so much of a blink of an eye, and turning family or friends against someone – all with the insidious agenda of increasing their power over that person and solidifying their dependence from the victim.

All of this gaslighting behavior is done with a smile, said with syrupy words to hook you, rather than help you. That, of course, makes it hard to spot – which is why it is so devilish. If the gaslighter can get you to doubt yourself, your abilities, or your perception of reality, then they can worm themselves into your life and plant their thoughts inside you.

Gaslighters don’t want peace. They want conflict. People at war give them an opportunity to gain more influence and power. Plus, they just plain like to watch others fight amongst themselves. It gives them a sense of control.

Today’s psalm is part of the psalms of ascent – songs used by the community as they walk their pilgrimage to Jerusalem and up the temple mount. The people collectively lament the gaslighting activity of those who oppose and hate them. And they turn to God, who abhors gaslighters, seeking solace and safety from their evil ways.

The gaslighter’s end is certain. They will have to contend with the God who will not be manipulated by anyone. Although it is not our job to punish sinners, it very much is our responsibility to see and avoid gaslighting as much as possible, as well as, God forbid, becoming a gaslighter ourselves. To that end, take note of some of the manipulative marks of gaslighters and patterns of gaslighting:

  • Pitting people against one another. This is done a variety of ways through gossip masked as trying to help, subtle slander, and carefully placed lies.
  • Avoiding responsibility. The gaslighter never owns their words and actions but are experts at blaming others for whatever goes awry.
  • Creating fights and conflicts. Gaslighters chronically avoid the dirty work. They get others riled-up at each other, then sit back and look for an opportunity to seize control over the warring parties.
  • Sucking-up to others. Flattery is a well-worn tool of gaslighters. They are masters at buttering-up people to get what they want.
  • Comparing people. This is just another way of driving a wedge between people. “Why can’t you be like ___?”
  • Mistreating the weak and powerless. The weak have no value for the gaslighter because the powerless have nothing to offer them. So, oppression becomes a means of getting the weak out of the way, like they’re some pesky insect to get rid of.
  • Bragging about accomplishments and stealing other’s. Gaslighters will always take the credit for an accomplishment and then boast about it, all the while badgering the victim.
  • Not keeping promises. Usually there’s a bait and switch where the gaslighter will promise something, then switch the rules or tell a bold-faced lie that they never promised that.

There is much more gaslighting behavior, but you get the drift. The best way to deal with a gaslighter? Get as far away from them as you can, find genuine supportive relationships, and leave them to God.

Today’s psalm can be your prayer to the Lord, offering a heartfelt plea to the Divine Being who does the opposite of gaslighting: strengthening you, giving you power, listening to your voice, and loving you with complete altruistic motives.

Eternal Father, you created us in your own image and likeness, but sin has warped the minds of humanity so that there is much injustice and much carelessness of the rights of other people in this fallen world. I pray you will right every wrong and vindicate those being treated unjustly. Keep us, your people, from trying to take matters into our own hands for vengeance. Give justice and peace to all those who have been cruelly and unfairly treated. May the injustice they have endured be the means to draw them into the saving arms of your grace, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Matthew 5:27-36 – Lusting, Liquidating, and Lying

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year BLeave a comment
Sermon on the Mount by Argentine artist Jorge Cocco Santángelo

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

“It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce. ’But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

“Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.’ But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. (New International Version)

Adultery. Divorce. Oaths. Jesus chose these topics from the Ten Commandments (7, 9, and 10) to uphold the ethical law of God.

In Christ’s Sermon on the Mount, Jesus gets to the heart of immorality and unethical behavior. The physical act of adultery arises from mental adultery. Divorce results from hardness of heart. Breaking oaths as a form of lying.

Adultery

Pornography is a 60 billion dollar a year industry, worldwide. It is the church’s problem, as well:

  • 53% of Christian men consume pornography.
  • 51% of pastors say porn is a temptation.
  • 69% of pastors started looking at porn out of curiosity.
  • 37% of pastors say it’s currently a struggle.
  • 35% of men have used pornography in the past month.
  • 4 in 10 of pastors looked at porn today.
  • There are 100,000 websites that offer illegal child pornography.
  • 90% of 8-16 year old’s have viewed porn online (most while doing homework).
  • 20% of men, and 13% of women, admit to viewing pornography at work.
  • 70 percent of all internet porn traffic occurs during the 9-to-5 workday.

Adultery initially occurs when someone feeds on mental sexual activity with another person. As with most of Christ’s solutions, he lays out a radical means of overcoming it.

Jesus is not condemning normal gender attraction, nor sex itself (which is a gift of God). Rather, Jesus condemns the leering upon another with sexual fantasy. All adulterous relationships and inappropriate sexual relations start with the “look.”

“Lust” is to intensely desire and burn for something, to seek mastery over another. The reason people stare, and lust, is not because of the other person’s manner or dress; it’s because they already have an adulterous heart. 

Whenever we are caught in physical or mental adultery, decisive and drastic action is needed. Jesus used hyperbole to drive his point home about the need of dealing with adultery. The approach is not applying a band aid; it is amputation.

The reason many men and women are snared by adultery, and seem unable to stop, is that they deal with it on their own. The radical action needed is accountability; confession must be offered.

Trying to manage lust on our own is like one individual attempting to contain a nuclear meltdown.

Jesus leaves no room to think it is okay to lust in the heart because I am not hurting anybody. Pornography enslaves its users and degrades women.

As powerful and addictive lust is, God’s grace is bigger and more powerful. There’s no need to be burdened with shame and guilt when the cross of Christ has already taken care of it.

There would not be a multi-billion dollar industry if there were not places in our hearts that are black. Now is the time for forgiveness, grace, and healing.

Sermon on the Mount by American artist Bill Bell

Divorce

Today in America more than one-third of all adults have experienced divorce.

Unfortunately, many divorced persons feel their faith community provided rejection rather than support and healing. There is a lot of room for improvement when to help families, and those having experienced divorce.

Please know Jesus condemns the cavalier divorce, and not all divorce. Anybody who doesn’t like their spouse doesn’t have ground for divorce. They entertain the thought of having a better spouse, even though there is no marital unfaithfulness. 

This is yet another form of mental adultery (and idolatry) which believes someone else can better meet my needs. 

Jesus clearly makes provision for divorce to occur in certain circumstances. Yet, he will not bend to liquidating a marriage over unhappiness with what God has joined together.

The intent of Old Testament legislation on divorce is to avoid a casual stance toward marriage (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). Over the centuries, people found creative ways of getting around the law. Although a divorce may be legal, it might not be ethical. Jesus wanted divorce practiced with concern for the woman, so that her rights and needs were considered.

Many took a loose view of divorce and focused solely on “indecency” as grounds for divorce. They did not interpret the term solely as sexual infidelity, as Jesus did, but had a broad understanding of indecency.

For example, if a husband did not like his wife, or, in the words of one rabbi, she continually burns the supper, he may “put her away” (divorce her). Jesus, however, insisted divorce must not happen because of a hard time getting along; or don’t love your spouse anymore; or that your spouse keeps irritating you. 

Being frustrated or unhappy are not biblical grounds for divorce. The answer to most marital problems does not lie in a new spouse, but in the hard work of identifying the idols of our hearts, overthrowing them, and re-connecting. Sin is crouching at the door, but you and I must master it.

Jesus said the ground for divorce is marital unfaithfulness, that is, any sexual activity outside the bounds of the marriage relationship. And, even in this case, divorce need not be an option, if the two people can reconcile.

Christ sought to defend women who are genuine victims. In biblical times, if a wife was given a certificate of divorce, she had four options: 1) Return to her family of origin; 2) Become a beggar; or 3) Become a prostitute to make ends meet; or, 4) Marry again, thus committing adultery if she was divorced because her husband didn’t like her. 

Jesus doesn’t take sides between spouses. Instead, he lifts the original intent of marriage: oneness. Divorce was never meant to be. Separating two people is damaging. However, it obviously occurs. (Matthew 19:1-12)

Divorce exists because of the heart’s hardness in one or both of the marriage partners. Divorce, really, is a legal testimony verifying that a separation has already occurred. It’s a recognition that disunity and non-oneness is already present. Legal divorce affirms that a terrible break already happened, damaging the people involved.

Just as God is one, two marital partners are to be one. Oneness is the primary goal of any marriage relationship. God did not institute marriage for people to live as roommates, but to be a new entity operating as one.

If God found it necessary to divorce his own covenant people, then it is inevitable divorce will occur among people (Jeremiah 3:1-8).  Therefore, let’s be discerning in how we handle each individual situation of marital difficulty.

Sermon on the Mount by Janice Elizabeth Steward

Oaths

“I swear on a stack of Bibles I won’t…” “I will, if I get around to it….” These are a few of the caveats we give when making a promise or oath. Oaths communicate our level or ability of getting it done, or not.

That’s fine. What isn’t fine is making excuses or false promises with no intention of doing what you say you will do. So, Jesus wants all the extraneous language out. Say “yes” or “no” and then follow through. And if you don’t, you’re a liar.

We often lie because we don’t want to do something to begin with. “Yes” and “no” are clear boundary words. Boundaries are needed so there is no oath-breaking.

Boundaries define where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to take and not take responsibility for gives me freedom.

  • Boundaries keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries involves taking responsibility for your choice of “yes” and “no” and living with the consequences.
  • Boundaries protect us from “gaslighting.” Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. The abuser manipulates another into doubting their thoughts, feelings, judgments, perceptions, and/or memories.
  • Boundaries hold people accountable for their words and actions. Without boundaries, we can easily feel used and mistreated.

Jesus wants us to clarify our values and live them out; make wise decisions; identify what we will accept and reject; and follow through on what we say we will do.

Conclusion

Adultery, divorce, and oaths are related. Boundaries – making and keeping promises – deals with outside forces trying to compromise our values. Accountability in naming our struggles mitigates covetousness.

Dissolved marriages and broken promises still happen. Yet, Jesus is there offering grace, not judgment. We may become emotionally damaged, however, there is healing available through the mercy of Christ. Amen.