Tag: bereavement

Psalm 71:1-6 – How to Cope with Change and Loss

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year CLeave a comment

I run to you, Lord,
for protection.
    Don’t disappoint me.
You do what is right,
    so come to my rescue.
    Listen to my prayer
    and keep me safe.
Be my mighty rock,
    the place
where I can always run
    for protection.
Save me by your command!
    You are my mighty rock
    and my fortress.

Come and save me, Lord God,
    from vicious and cruel
    and brutal enemies!
I depend on you,
    and I have trusted you
    since I was young.
I have relied on you
    from the day I was born.
You brought me safely
through birth,
    and I always praise you. (Contemporary English Version)

No one gets off this planet without experiencing several events of change and loss, resulting in grief and the need to lament. Because of this reality, you would think we all acknowledge this great need of lamenting our significant losses. Yet, we don’t.

Many Christians avoid grief work. The following are just a few of the statements I’ve heard over the decades from parishioners when they experience loss:

  • “Christ is resurrected and alive. There’s victory in Jesus. No need to grieve like unbelievers.”
  • “My loved one is in heaven. No more suffering or pain. It would be selfish of me to be sad.”
  • “It’s a sin to be depressed.”
  • “I can’t let myself cry and fall apart. I need to be strong for my family.”

Those statements are very far from what we find in the biblical psalms and throughout the entirety of Holy Scripture. Consider these realities in the Bible:

  • 62 out of the 150 Psalms in the Old Testament are laments; some are communal, many are individual expressions of grief.
  • God laments. And God grieves with us. (Genesis 6:5-6; Isaiah 53:4; John 11:1-44)
  • An extended time and process of grieving was practiced by biblical characters when loss occurred. It was a normal emotional, spiritual, physical, and relational reaction to that loss. (e.g., Genesis 50:1-3)
  • Lament is an intentional process of letting go of relationships and dreams and discovering how to live into a new identity after the loss or change. There’s even an entire book of the Bible given to lamenting: Lamentations.
  • Everyone’s grief is personal; there is no one size fits all.
  • Avoiding grief, mourning, lament, and loss is totally foreign to the Bible.

Psalms of lament have a characteristic structure, distinct from psalms of praise, trust, or wisdom, like today’s psalm:

  1. Address to God: The address is usually a brief cry for help; and is occasionally expanded to include a statement of praise or a recollection of God’s intervention in the past (Psalm 71:1-3).
  2. Complaint: God is informed about the problem or experience through a range and depth of emotional, relational, and spiritual reactions to change (Psalm 71:4).
  3. Confession of Trust: The psalmist remains confident in God despite the circumstances and begins to see his or her problems differently (Psalm 71:5-8).
  4. Petition: Filled with confidence in God, the psalmist appeals to God for deliverance and intervention.  Petitioning is not bargaining with God or a refusal to accept loss; it is a legitimate seeking of help (Psalm 71:9-13).
  5. Words of Assurance: The psalmist expresses certainty that the petition will be heard by God (Psalm 71:14a).
  6. Vow of Praise: The lament concludes with the psalmist’s vow to testify to what God will do or has done through praise (Psalm 71:14b-24).

The biblical psalms do two wonderful services for us as God’s people: First, a constant stream of reading, quoting, memorizing, and meditating on them actually shapes our faith into a full-orbed, mature, and robust belief. Second, the psalms provide us with a healthy means of expressing the complete range of our human experience. 

So, then, the psalms both reflect our feelings, and, at the same time, form those feelings to know God better, cope with situations, and relate appropriately with others. 

The fourth-century Bishop of Alexandria, Athanasius, had it right about the psalms when he said: 

“Whatever your particular need or trouble, from this same book [the Psalms] you can select a form of words to fit it, so that you not merely hear and pass on, but learn the way to remedy your ill.”

St. Athanasius (297-373 C.E.), Bishop of Alexandria

Today’s psalm of lament is the expression of a person getting along in years and discovering all the limitations and weaknesses that go along with aging. It is a plea for help. Whereas in younger days the psalmist had the vigor to engage problems and enemies, now he has the realization that he must increasingly depend upon God (and others).  

Far too many people hitting the aging process do not deal with it well. The change to their bodies, even their minds, is so unwelcome that they do not cope quickly, or, sometimes, at all. They believe it silly to lament such a natural occurrence, even though those physical changes dog them day after day.

Based upon the psalms, I insist that lament is a powerful and necessary form of coming to grips with change. God has not promised us life-long health and constant energy. Rather, the Lord has promised to be with us as our refuge and help through all the vicissitudes of changing health and altered situations. 

Let praying the psalms, then, be a regimen as familiar and daily as your using your pill planner and taking your meds.

Ever-watchful God, you are a rock of refuge, a never changing reality in a world of constant change. You are my hope, Lord, and my faith has been in you all my life. I lament all the difficult changes I encounter. I can never go back to the way things were. So, please open to me a new reality where fresh hope and life can be found, through Jesus Christ my Savior. Amen.

2 Corinthians 5:1-5

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year BLeave a comment
            We are all on a perpetual camping trip.  It may or may not feel like one, but every person is living in a tent.  One of the challenges of the biblical writers is that they worked to communicate hope and spiritual realities in concrete language.  So, when the Apostle Paul likens our current lives to being in a tent he means that what we are experiencing now with our bodies is temporary.  Compared to the eventual permanent resurrected body, our existence now is temporary and not very glorious.
             We would consider someone homeless if they lived in a tent on a permanent basis.  In many ways, the Christian is homeless, not really at home in this present body and world.  So, it is rather curious that many believers in Jesus can be ruthlessly attached to the trappings and stuff of this contemporary campground.  If we were to make a list of all the things we do and all the things we have that are extra-biblical, that is, not specifically mentioned in the Bible, it would not take long to discover that much of what we do on a day to day basis, not to mention through church ministry, is simply temporary.  Yet, too many persons cling to their stuff and their ways as if it will endure forever.
             In those times when we experience bereavement; in the situations that demonstrate that we are mortal; and, in the circumstances that occur in which we glimpse how fleeting this present life can be, we begin to understand that what we need to be living for is the permanence of relationships expressed through the ever-present Spirit of God.  It is good for us to long for a better day when we will no longer groan in the tent of this body so that we will connect with the unseen God who goes before us, with us, after us.
             Eternal God, who always has been and always will be, help me to so connect with your Holy Spirit that I can discern the difference between what is temporary and what is permanent.  Guide me with your holy hand so that I can place my present efforts into the things that will make a difference for eternity, through Jesus Christ my Lord. Amen.

Good Grief

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Exploring Church Ministry BlogLeave a comment
           

 

 
            It is a terrible reality that by living in a fallen world we will all be faced at various times with grief and bereavement.  One of the most significant ministries that a church can engage in is a ministry of comforting those experiencing loss.  The words and actions of people make a difference, for either good or ill, when faced with traumatic times.
 
            When my wife’s brother died in the early ‘90s due to complications from AIDS, we heard some comforting words, and we heard calloused words that simply did not help.  Phrases such as, “Well, you know he just reaped what he sowed!” and, “You should move on and forget him,” were not only unhelpful but downright hurtful.  On the other hand, there were people who offered a genuine and heartfelt “I’m sorry,” or hugs with no words attached.
 
In the first chapter of the New Testament book of 2 Corinthians, the word “comfort” is used ten times in five verses (2 Corinthians 1:3-7).  It is a beautiful word; one for which the Apostle Paul knew all too well for the many times he faced his own set of trials and tribulations.  He understood God’s design that those who have seen the face of evil and overcame are in the best position to give grace to those who need it most.
 
Grief attaches itself to any significant change or loss.  Whether it is the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, or health, or the empty nest syndrome, or any of a number of losses, it is both natural and necessary to grieve.  Most people are familiar with the five stages of grief, observed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross:
  1. Denial – “I’m ok” or “this can’t be happening”
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining – “if only…”
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance
We are to come alongside and walk with another through grief, offering helpful words and actions, until the person can accept the new situation and move on.  With any change or loss, there becomes a new normal that we must adjust to.  Everyone’s grief is personal; each individual moves through their own stages of grief, and each one moves on their own timetable.  Sometimes people get “stuck” in one stage and need help getting out.
 
The way people get unstuck, and the way they come to resolution and acceptance is through telling their story.  So, our role is to listen well.  Our place is neither to give advice, nor to quote a lot of scripture about how everything will be okay.  Our place is to let the grieving person grieve, and come out the other end having grieved well.  Grieving well can only happen if we listen well to those in grief.  We will not listen well if we do not respect the reality that we all must grieve. 
 

 

What is more, God always has a listening ear.  He knows grief and bereavement better than all of us, because he experienced seeing the agonizing death of his one and only Son.  And it is through Jesus that genuine acceptance is realized.  Because Christ died and rose again, there is a future resurrection awaiting us and our loved ones.  May you, by faith, enter into life that is truly life by embracing Jesus Christ.  May your grief be turned to joy, and may your comfort overflow.

Death

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Exploring Church Ministry BlogLeave a comment

 

          Death may not be the most popular of topics, especially at the first of the year, but it is still all around us.  Death does not take a break between semesters.  We typically don’t deal well with death in our American culture simply because we don’t like to think about it. Yet, it is a reality we all must face. Whether it is seeing the tragedy of murder on the news, or a more personal touch of experiencing the loss of a loved one, the specter of death haunts us.  Death is topic we must confront. As a pastor I do my fair share of funerals.  Many families want to just get it all over quickly.  More just don’t know what to do, how to act, or even how to feel.  The process from death to grave occurs in just a few days.  Typically we “enlightened” Westerners give three days for the process of grief. Most employers give only three days of bereavement pay. Most professors at school still want the work in on time. The expectation is that we get this grief thing all over with and move on with our lives as if nothing has happened.

Biblically, grief unfolds over a much longer stretch of time. It takes time to come to grips with what has happened and come to a resolution of the reality of the loss. Emotions need time to come out and be expressed through talking about the deceased, through lots of tears, and through listening to the stories of others about the loved one we no longer have. When, in the Old Testament, Jacob died, an extended time of bereavement occurred where the body was embalmed (a long process in Egyptian culture), a funeral procession ran from Egypt to Israel, and, once at the burial site, a period of thirty days was observed in mourning. Contrasted with our bereavement rituals, it is no wonder that people often exhibit long periods of depression and anger months, sometimes even years after a death of a friend or family member.  Sometimes they may drop out of normal routines altogether and are never quite the same.

Our well-meaning words to the bereaved can also add to the suppression of emotions. When words are offered that God works for the good of the death, that we can be joyful despite our loss because of heaven, or that it is time to move on and put the past behind us, we can unwillingly short circuit the needed process of grief, leaving the bereaved feeling guilty for not being able to cope better with the loss. Everyone’s grief is personal, and everyone must have another who will offer a listening ear. Deeds often say much more than words for the bereaved. Bringing meals, helping with the dishes or laundry, or taking the dog for a walk are all examples of mercy and love that speak volumes to those experiencing loss.

So, let’s not avoid death. Let’s embrace it. Let’s feel the full range of pain that is inevitable in such a loss. For, through the process of grief we can better experience the solidarity of identifying with the suffering Savior of our souls, and we can be agents of God’s grace to the hurting. It is through these needs met that a grief observed can bring people to know Jesus and the power of salvation.