Now these things occurred as examples to keep us from setting our hearts on evil things as they did. Do not be idolaters, as some of them were; as it is written: “The people sat down to eat and drink and got up to indulge in revelry.” We should not commit sexual immorality, as some of them did—and in one day 23,000 of them died. We should not test Christ, as some of them did—and were killed by snakes. And do not grumble, as some of them did—and were killed by the destroying angel.
These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the culmination of the ages has come. So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. (New International Version)
To learn by example is a whole lot better than having to learn something the hard way. One of the lessons of Holy Scripture is that it contains many stories of what not to do, and the consequences of disobedience and experiencing hard things because of anger and stubbornness.
The ancient Israelites in the desert were a group of people who ended up having to learn most things the hard way – simply because they were too stubborn and independent to listen to Moses and obey God’s commands.
Dealing with upset and recalcitrant people is a drag. But there is such a simple solution to it that you might not even believe it. If you learn to practice the one simple solution to dealing with angry, stubborn, and insecure people, your time will open much wider; your own emotions will calm down a great deal; and, you may find the kind of peace and settled conviction that you long for.
You know the type. We have all dealt with them. That chronically upset relative or in-law who demands your time and attention; the insecure co-worker who is constantly chirping about something he does not like in the company; or, the cranky neighbor who only talks to you when something infringes on his person or property. These scenarios, and many more, you and I either have or will face.
Perhaps the religiously and perpetually upset person or group is the worst – because they hide their fears, anxieties, and insecurities behind a façade of piety and performance.
Let angry people endure the backlash of their own anger; if you try to make it better, you’ll only make it worse. (Proverbs 19:19, MSG)
I once was in a wedding in which a bridesmaid was constantly upset about something all throughout the rehearsal and into the wedding day. It got so bad that, just as we were about to walk down the aisle, she became agitated about something she did not like, and angrily stormed away.
What would you do in such a situation? What did I do? I did absolutely nothing. I ignored her, told the rest of the wedding party to not follow her, and went about the ceremony. When she saw no one was going to rescue her, she was in line at the last minute to participate.
If there is a person in your life, or you are in a group, who has frequent emotional meltdowns about most anything, learn the example of Holy Scripture, and hear this wisdom principle that can change your life:
Angry, stubborn, and insecure people get upset because it works – they get their way. Someone will come to their rescue and fix their anger. But if you will practice the simple solution of letting them just be upset and stew in their own juices without coming to their aid to make it all better, they will eventually stop sucking your time and energy into their angry upset vortex.
The disobedient and upset person is typically one with some sort of entitlement mentality. The bridesmaid didn’t like the way things were being done, and she felt “entitled” to have things go her way. She wasn’t used to accepting “no” like most other people have to do. She believed everyone else ought to adjust for her behavior.
The important point to note here is that it is not your job to fix their emotions; it isn’t your responsibility to smooth everything out so that everyone feels just fine and are calmed down. Instead, it is my job and your job to practice self-control and be responsible for our own emotional well-being.
If you keep trying to calm an angry person and assuage their emotions to an even keel, you will have to do it again, and again, and again…. Until they figure out their anger doesn’t work, it just does not pay to be upset.
This means that, deep within your soul, you must move from the fear of negative emotions in others to positive possibilities in the right direction. Not everyone is going to like you, no matter how hard you try.
“Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.”
The Apostle Paul (1 Corinthians 11:1, NIV)
Please understand that this does not mean we avoid helping others. It just means we don’t enable their bad behavior by solving their problems for them. We can walk beside them, encourage them, and teach them, but all without doing it for them.
Whenever we think we can handle things on our own, without anyone else’s input through consultation and collaboration, then we are setting up ourselves to have to learn the hard way. So, how will you choose to learn?
O God, by your Spirit, fashion our lives according to the example of your Son, and grant that we may show the power of your love to all among whom we live; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
Rev. Tim Ehrhardt 