Category: Christian Spirituality Blog

It’s Time to Forgive

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog1 Comment

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God is in the forgiveness business.  It’s a big deal to him.

If you and I want to be content in this life, we need to let Christ’s instruction to practice forgiveness sink down deep into our souls.  Jesus said it about as clear as anybody could say it when he taught us how to pray:

“Forgive us as we forgive everyone else.” (God’s Word Translation)

Yet, many people live with discontentment because they think to themselves: “I will not forget what you did, and I will not forgive.”  Persistent thoughts of revenge only serve as a cancer that destroys the mind’s thoughts, erodes the soul, and hinders the heart’s ability to love.  But people who practice forgiveness are much less likely to be hateful, hostile, and belligerent toward others.  They are healthier and happier, and more at peace.

I have had people tell me, “But you don’t know what I’ve been through.”  My typical response is: “You don’t know what I’ve been through, either.  You may not even believe some of the things I have experienced, and some of the things that have happened to me and were said to me.  So, can I tell you what I have done to forgive those who have sinned against me?”

1. When I am trying to forgive someone, I pray for them.

It’s hard to keep resenting someone and wish them ill-will when you are praying for them on a regular basis.  In the book of Genesis, Joseph was the victim of his brothers’ abuse.  If there was ever a dysfunctional family to grow up in, it was Joseph’s.  Being sold into slavery by your own brothers and being the target of their derision would cause anyone to be upset.  But, many years later, Joseph chose to forgive his brothers.  He acted with their best interests at mind.  He prayed for them and did not actively work against them.  What’s more, he eventually came to see the hand of God in it all.  Joseph said to his brothers, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives” (Genesis 50:20).

2. I write a letter of forgiveness (which I may or may not send).

In the letter I write in full detail how the person hurt me.  I leave nothing out.  I express exactly how it made me feel, and how it affected my life.  Then, I express forgiveness and say that I will not hold the offense over their head.  Here is a five-step process for forgiving others using the acrostic REACH which helps shape how I write:

Recall 

That is, name the hurt.  Name it squarely.  Don’t fudge on it by saying it’s not that bad, or as bad as others have experienced.  Call it what it is: deceit; stealing; harassment; assault; abuse; adultery; verbal shaming; or even, murder.  The Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa after apartheid was based on providing full disclosure of all crimes.  Those that stepped forward to do so would be offered a full pardon.  Desmond Tutu, who led the commission, was most struck by how many people wanted to hear what had happened to their loved ones from the perpetrators themselves so that they could know whom to forgive.  Methinks we have much learn from our African brothers and sisters.

Empathize

Try and see the offense from the other person’s perspective.  Attempt to put yourself in the other’s shoes.  This does not mean we paper over the offense; it just means we don’t demonize another as a monster.  That only feeds and fuels our own lack of forgiveness.  When we view others as non-human, then we feel no responsibility to forgive.

Altruistic

Choose to do the right thing and treat the other person well, not because they deserve it, but because it is within your control to extend grace.  Again, this is what Joseph chose to do with his brothers: “So then, don’t be afraid.  I will provide for you and your children.”  And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them (Genesis 50:21).

Commit

Commit to practice forgiveness.  Make the decision to do it.  Don’t wait too long for your feelings to catch up to you.  “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).

Hold

Hold-on to your forgiveness.  Just because you make the decision to forgive does not mean you’ll never have to do it again.  Once you have forgiven, let it be a stake in the ground in which you look back to it again and again.  “I forgave him/her, and I will not let the enemy of my soul keep trying to make me bitter about it all over again.”  One of the reasons we repeat the Lord’s Prayer Sunday after Sunday in my church is to keep forgiving those who have sinned against us.

3. I talk to a trusted friend, mentor, or counselor about my effort to forgive.

Many people get stuck in discontentment.  They have an inability to forgive because they don’t seek a wise person to help them walk through the process of forgiving.  The easy path is to complain about the offense to someone we know will react with the same level of disgust and spirit of revenge that we ourselves have in our hearts.  But that only reinforces bitterness.  We need someone who can offer us what we need to hear, and not what we want to hear.

Forgiveness is at the heart of the gospel, and, so, ought to be at the core of a healthy Christian life.  The Christian season of Lent is designed for repentance, grace, and forgiveness to shape our lives.  There is no better time than now to deliberately engage forgiveness.

Own Your Struggle

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog1 Comment

sisyphus struggle

In this social media driven world, we know all too well the temptation to sanitize our respective life experiences and stories.  Even the cloistered folk who refuse any social media will often not give you a straight answer when asked the sincere question, “How are you doing?”  “Fine” is not an acceptable answer, in my book.  The reason I say we need to be more honest in our responses and presentations to one another is:

Hiding large swaths of our lives and stories from others is not the path to spiritual wellness, emotional healing, and personal peace.  However, owning our internal struggles through embracing weakness, humility, vulnerability, and faith opens to us the way of grace.

Far too often you and I have ongoing struggles within because we don’t own them.  We struggle because we don’t struggle.  I’m the expert on stuffing feelings.  I learned it well early in my life.  Yet, feelings never evaporate just because we ignore them.  Just the opposite, like a forgotten half-carton of cottage cheese in the back of the fridge, our feelings only gather moldy bacteria and crust over with nastiness.  We need to understand that feelings really do have an expiration date to them.  If not openly confronted and dealt with, they’ll fester into bitterness.  It’s much better to get down and dirty with our present struggles instead of living with the wishful thinking that they’ll just go away.

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Holy Scripture and 2,000 years of church history have given us a path to wholeness.  Lent is the season which draws out grand themes of the Christian life from the Bible.  Prominent is our need for confession, repentance, faith, humble prayer, and forgiveness.  Spiritual disciplines exist to put us in a position to confront our deepest struggles – even ones we didn’t know we had.

There are 52 references to “one another” in the Bible.  “Love one another” (John 13:34-35); “Be kind to one another” (Ephesians 4:32); “Show hospitality to one another” (1 Peter 4:9); “Forgive one another” (Colossians 3:13); “Encourage one another” (Hebrews 3:13); and “Bear the burdens of one another” (Galatians 6:2); are just a few of the exhortations Scripture gives us to “spur one another on” (Hebrews 10:24) toward spiritual well-being and healthy community relationships.

help one another

Nowhere in Holy Scripture will you find references to hide from one another, pester one another, or put up a false front toward one another.  Some folks live as if the author of Hebrews said, “Some people have gotten out of the habit of meeting together for worship and edification, so just let them go, slackers they are.  Forget about that encouragement thing, especially since Jesus is coming soon anyway.”  Here is what the verse says, for real:

“Some people have gotten out of the habit of meeting for worship, but we must not do that.  We should keep on encouraging each other, especially since you know that the day of the Lord’s coming is getting closer”. (Hebrews 10:25, CEV)

There were confessing believers in the ancient church who drifted away and dropped out.  They had legitimate internal and external struggles with outward persecution and inner doubt.  What they needed most was an infusion of faith and perseverance, which would only come if they owned their struggle through sharing it with others.  Like a charcoal briquette which falls off the pile and loses its fire, so there were individual Christians who separated themselves from the warmth of genuine fellowship and lost their faith.

hot charcoal

The ancient believers had some of the same struggles we had.  They just couldn’t make sense of why things in the world were so bad.  The people had little money, no respect from government authorities, and, most of all, family who were telling them they were crazy for following Jesus.  It wasn’t supposed to be this way.  Rather than embrace the struggle and work through it, they just sat in the back of the fridge, I mean in the back pew of the church, and slowly gathered mold.  Doing nothing is usually a bad idea.  If you try and fail, there is grace.  But if you do nothing, there is only nothing.

Freighted within the definition of biblical faith is risk.  Faith is stepping out and taking a chance on love, encouragement, help, support, comfort, and kindness.  No risk it, no biscuit.

“Keep on being brave! It will bring you great rewards.  Learn to be patient, so that you will please God and be given what he has promised.  As the Scriptures say, ‘God is coming soon!  It won’t be very long.  The people God accepts will live because of their faith. But he isn’t pleased with anyone who turns back.’  We are not like those people who turn back and get destroyed. We will keep on having faith until we are saved.” (Hebrews 10:35-39, CEV)

william penn quote

God desires you and me to take a risk on betting the farm on Jesus.  Embracing Christ involves owning our struggles, to him and to one another.  Yes, you may argue that it isn’t helpful to wear your feelings on your sleeve.  But I’m not talking about emotional diarrhea; I’m talking about something far worse: emotional prostitution, where we sell ourselves to others in a cheap façade of who we really are and how we are really doing.  We want to be liked and we want to be loved, and we mistakenly believe that keeping up false appearances will get us what we long for.

You might fail? Join the club. I’m willing to wager that I’ve been fired or let go from more jobs than you’ve even had in your life.  I’ve some wild ministry successes, and I have had some spectacular failures.  I have been at the lowest of the low in a major depression, and I’ve been at the top of the mountain where every prayer gets answered.  I have had God be silent for months on end, with me having no clue as to why.  I’ve had literally no money to my name, and I’ve had plenty in multiple accounts.

So, here’s the humble observation: It doesn’t matter whether your circumstances are to your liking or not, whether you have all you feel you need, or don’t ever seem to have enough, whether you have well-behaved kids and family, or wayward children and messed up uncles and cousins.  What matters is faith expressing itself through love (Galatians 5:6).  It takes risk to have faith.  It takes two (or more) to have love.

Own your struggle.  Don’t live in denial.  Grab it and face it squarely.  Face it with God.  Face it with others.  If you’re mad as hell at God, tell him so; he’s big enough to take it (please go to the psalms and pray them as your own).  If you need prayer and/or help, ask for it.  Don’t just expect someone to read your mind or your emotions.  If someone asks you to pray, stop what you’re doing and get on your knees with that person and pray like there’s no tomorrow.

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Life is too short to sleepwalk through it with a constellation of emotions that need dealing with.  Being overwhelmed is common to the human condition.  “How are you?” “Busy!” Tell me something I don’t know.  It takes no relational effort to give a pat answer.  Let’s get down to why you feel you constantly need to express how busy you are, even when you’re not really all that busy.

I think you get the idea.  Scripture doesn’t call us to hide, but to love one another enough to both give and receive God’s grace.  Maybe you don’t need to let it all out on social media, but there is a place and a context for you to bring your struggles before God and others.  Take advantage of the privilege and the opportunity which has been provided for you through the cross of Jesus Christ.

A Tongue-in-Cheek Peek into Lent

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality BlogLeave a comment

sock monkey

Lent.  The word itself sounds downright unsavory.  Who in the world would want something in their life that reminds them of something like toe jam or junior high boys who forget that a belly button is an orifice to be cleaned?

Lent might seem gross, but it’s really an important season in the Christian Year.  Every year, in the doldrums of late winter when other folks are off either escaping to Florida or scrambling to find light like it’s the last french-fry in the bottom of the bag (o where o where did I put that box that shines the crazy bright light…?), Christians around the world are entering a time of spiritual athleticism in abstinence, giving, and prayer.  They call it “Lent.”

The word “Lent” is simply an old English word for “Spring” – not spring training (get baseball and Florida out of your mind… by the way, have you seen my light box?).  Lent for the Christian and for the church is a 40-day, six-week season each year leading up to Easter and the celebration of Christ’s resurrection.  Just as Jesus spent 40 days in the desert to prepare himself for his coming ministry, so his followers have the privilege and opportunity to identify with him.  It’s a special time to connect in a unique and meaningful way with God – but without the chocolate.

For many people, Lent is associated with giving up something for the six-week season.  But Lent, and the entire Christian life, is made up of much more than giving up things.  We let go of something so that we can pick up something else.  We really can do that.  After all, we aren’t like those stupid monkeys who stick their hand in a trap to grab a banana and can’t get it out unless they drop it.

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Nope, we are more evolved.  We can learn to exchange one practice for another.  We can lay aside some old way of living and take on a new way of life. We can stop dreaming about all the great stuff we could sell to American Pickers (maybe Frank would find my dang light box) and start thinking about giving away all the stuff in our closets and rooms that somebody else could use… wait, I still have a t-shirt from 1994 that I haven’t worn since the remake of Planet of the Apes!?

There are three Christian practices which make observing the season of Lent worth the effort. They relate to each other.  Each practice alone is a powerful antidote to our narcissistic cravings for attention and bananas.  Yet, together they are an atomic bomb of grace exploding on a world in need of Christ’s light and deliverance (oh, man, did I lend my light box to Jesus?).

Fasting

I’m not talking about giving up vegetables for fast food.  Fasting simply means not eating.  I haven’t lost you yet, have I? (of course not, your grimy hand is still holding on to that banana). Food is necessary, but it can so easily shape our lives to the point that we let chips, soda, and breakfast burritos call the shots on our time and desires, not to mention our bathroom habits.  Setting aside food for one day a week or letting go of a certain precious item (bye-bye brownies) is designed to do something more than just point to our growling empty guts: We let the hunger pangs for food remind us of a much greater hunger to know and love Jesus, the Bread of Life.

sock monkey eating candy

Giving

Less food in your belly and fewer trips to Aldi for those Ferrero Rocher dark chocolates provides the chance to give the money you would have spent on yourself for someone in need of real food.  Stop eating. Start giving.  Put down the double stuff Oreo you were going to dip into that chocolate eau claire and think about someone who is hungry, for real.  An important dimension to stopping an activity is thinking of another person and doing for them instead of yourself.  I see you.  Nice try on thinking you’ll bake chocolate chip cookies for a group of the homeless hungry.  Like a beach full of baby turtles hatching who never make it to the ocean, you and I know all those cookies will never make it from the wax paper to the cookie tin.  Just walk away from the kitchen, my friend.

 

Praying

It takes time to make your way to the bottom of a pint of Ben & Jerry’s chocolate chunk fudge brownie ice cream.  Now that you’ve sent Ben & Jerry packing to the curb, what will you do with the time?  Pray.  Pray for the people for whom you’re giving your food and money.  Pray for the hungry on this earth who don’t know where their next meal is coming from.  Pray for the great hunger of the world for spiritual sustenance and satisfaction.  Pray that you won’t fall into the temptation of turning your remaining kitchen ingredients into some super moist chocolate cake creation.

sock monkey praying

I’ve got to level with you.  Lent isn’t easy.  I really wanted to say it was, but it just isn’t.  I like my bananas just as much as the next guy.  I’ve got enough hoodies in one closet of my place to outfit all the monkeys at the Milwaukee Zoo.  Sometimes I secretly tell Little Debbie I wish she were my sister.  I have some money in accounts and investments, and it makes me feel sort of secure and somewhat like a big shot. The thought of letting go of anything feels like inviting someone to give me a wax peel-off of my chest hair just for kicks – it just seems weird.

I’ve been observing Lent for years and I wish I could tell you it gets easier.  It doesn’t.  It’s still hard.  But I keep coming back to it every year, even looking forward to it a little more each time – not because I’m a masochist who enjoys wax peels, but because I have come to embrace the value of stripping away anything that’s an obstacle to me knowing Jesus.

When Easter arrives every Spring I often wonder why I thought I needed that banana, that brownie, or that light box.  Turns out that Jesus, the Light of the World, provided so much of an experience in discovering him that my petty attempts at holding-on were just that – really, really, petty.  Lent is something like a detox for the soul.  It helps me to feel love again and to function like a civil human being.  At the beginning of Lent, I just feel hungry.  Well, I still feel hungry weeks later, too, but I get used to the empty stomach.  Like Jesus rising to new life from an empty tomb my emptiness turns to joy, not frustration.

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I have an admission to make (fyi: I didn’t give up honesty for Lent): I can’t stand Christians who tell me Lent is optional; that I’m only making an ash of myself on the first Wednesday of Lent because it’s a Catholic thing; and, that seasonal rituals are unspiritual.

Last I checked (neither did I give up sarcasm for Lent) walking in the way of Jesus was a good thing; Catholics are our spiritual ancestors (whether you like it, or not); and, most people just finished ritualistically observing Valentine’s Day, like they do every year with the liturgical giving and receiving of flowers.

Lent might sound unsavory; it may be hard, especially in taking a hard look at yourself.  But you see Jesus, even without a light box.  And that’s a treasure Little Debbie can’t touch.

Humility-Based Care

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality BlogLeave a comment

Augustine on humility

You are the expert on yourself.  No one knows you like you do.  You have the best and most intimate understanding of how your body feels, the state of your soul, and your emotional well-being.

I think that’s why when someone else tries to tell us we shouldn’t be hurting, either physically and/or spiritually, that it only tends to increase our need for care and comfort.  Maybe you’ve also had the experience of another person trying to one-up your pain, as if what they experienced was worse than you.  They just don’t get that pain is personal, as if it’s a one-size-fits-all.

Invalidating a person’s state of being does no one any good.  It happens because of pride and a lack of humility.

Imagine going to see a doctor who turns out to be arrogant in his approach.  He doesn’t really listen to you.  He just gives a quick exam and offers his diagnosis with a regimen of more pills to take.  You’re left sitting there while he’s off to another patient, colonizing another person’s mind and emotions with his expertise.

I’m not giving doctors a hard knock.  My current family physician is just the opposite of what I described; she’s a listening professional who offers an insightful plan of care.  But it’s likely that you, like me, have had that occasional experience of the doctor full of him/herself with all the right answers on your pain and situation.

You may have also had the unfortunate experience of having a pastor, therapist, or counselor assess your situation with little information and even smaller compassion.  Like writing a script for pills, they give you a few Bible verses and tell you to quit sinning and live obediently.

If pride and arrogance are the original sin, then the remedy to that malady is humility.  No matter who we are – whether doctors, pastors, laypersons, patients, or whomever – we are meant and designed by our Creator God to live a humble life.  That means we are to both give and receive humility-based care.

Humility is the cornerstone to every good thing in this life.  Jesus said:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 5:3, NIV)

The door of God’s kingdom swings-open on the hinges of humility.

The Apostle Paul, seeking to follow his Master Jesus in his teaching and humility said:

“Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.” (Colossians 3:12, NLT)

Basic human interaction with one another is grounded in humility.

The old prophet made his expectations clear:

“He has told you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” (Micah 6:8, NRSV)

Life is truly life when it is humility-based.

Therefore, caring for another person is not a simple linear matter of offering your opinion or expertise; it is believing that the one needing care is the expert on herself.  The caregiver has as much to learn from the care-seeker.  The beauty of humility-based care is that two people discover together how to grow, thrive, and flourish in a situation where it isn’t currently happening.  Breakthroughs occur in the soil of humility, when the care-seeker comes out of the darkness and into the light through mutual discovery and insight.

We live with the confidence of the Psalmist:

“He [God] leads humble people to do what is right, and he teaches them his way.” (Psalm 25:9, GW)

In the end it’s God that heals, not you, me, or anyone else.  That God chooses to use us to bring his care to others ought to elicit the utmost of humility within us.