Several years ago I read a newspaper article of a man in Grand Rapids who killed his wife in the bathroom. He calmly walked in, took the toilet tank cover, conked her over the skull, and then called the police and told them everything that happened. I can think of a few better ways to handle a problem than a toilet tank cover. More people are walking time bombs than we know. It is unfortunate that one of the few guarantees in life is that someone will hurt you, and that hurt will rip a hole in your heart and last a long time.
When the hurt comes, we all have to decide how to handle the issue of forgiveness. It is easy to talk about forgiveness when you’re not hurt – it is quite a different thing when you are. One man, in the course of conversation, had this story for Pastor Matt Woodley:
“Nineteen years ago this guy stole my wife away from me. They got married and moved to Florida while my life unraveled. After I was arrested for assaulting a police officer, this guy smirked through the entire hearing. When I was convicted he flipped me the finger. I’ve hated him for nineteen years. He’s coming up here next week. I have a thirty-two caliber pistol strapped around my ankle, and when I see him I will kill him. I’ve thought about it. I’m sixty-three years old. I’ll get a life sentence, but I’ll also get free medical, a warm bed, and three meals a day. I’m ready to end my life this way.”
Why even bother to forgive? Our hurts can be such that we see no need for forgiveness. Jesus does want forgiveness to be the last word. He wants the last word to be forgiveness. Peter, the disciple of Christ who was ever the wondering, if not wandering one, knew that if a person sinned and offended that they might do it again, and again. At what point do we stop forgiving?
What is true about us as people is that we feel a keen sense of “ought to.” We feel we ought to pay the debt we owe to others, and that others must pay us the debt they owe. This works on the emotional level, as much or more, than any other arena of life. If we offend someone and make them angry, we feel we must make them feel better. If someone angers us, we expect them to make it right and make us feel better.
Dr. David Seamands believes, rightly I think, that the two major causes of most emotional problems among Christians are: 1) the failure to understand, receive, and live out God’s unconditional grace and forgiveness; and, 2) the failure to give that grace and forgiveness to other people.
What we must understand and live out is that we have grace available to us in Jesus Christ through his death and resurrection. We cannot earn forgiveness. Grace is free. And equally true, if we are willing to hear, is the fact that no one owes us anything. Grace is free for others, as well.
The failure to know and receive grace drives many Christians to the tragic treadmill of constant striving for perfection and achievement and recognition from others. Many people refuse grace and instead try to get rid of their guilt through endless work. This is what often fuels the work-a-holic, what motivates the addict, what may animate much of the service done in a church. The problem among Christians is not that they don’t understand sin or even their own sinful attitudes and actions; the problem is what to do about it. Too many believers are trying to work-off their debt.
Here is a little test: why do people (you?) go to church? Be honest. Is it to truly worship and celebrate the Lord who has erased such a great debt of sin; or, do we go to pay off a debt to God? Does going to church assuage our guilt, and make us feel better through our attendance? We can be so accustomed to operating according to guilt instead of grace that we don’t know what to do when there is no guilt – so we just go back to the guilt as our default setting, just like a dog returning to its vomit. And the tragedy is only compounded by insisting that others operate out of guilt, too. Another little test: are we content to simply ask people to serve in the church, or do we believe that there must be arm-twisting with some guilt to motivate people to serve? Guilt and arm-twisting are tools not from our Lord because they are inconsistent with the gospel of grace. If we think we have to do this or people or our kids won’t do anything, then we have a spiritual problem. Everyone in the church ought to serve, but to do it out of a sense of gratitude toward God, not guilt. Yet, there are always those in every church and in every family who continue to work out their unhappiness on other people by insisting they get on the guilt wagon along with them. We cannot forgive ourselves, so we live with the guilt and try to pay off our debt making ourselves and everyone else miserable in the process.
The un-forgiven are the unforgiving. At the heart of every broken relationship and emotional conflict we have is an insistence on debt-collecting. We cannot get from others something they cannot give us; only God in Christ can erase the great debt we have. Yet, we go out and seek from others what only God can give us. People are great at being people; but they make lousy gods. Only God can meet the deepest needs of our hearts – our spouse, our kids, our friends, and our church cannot do it. Only Jesus can. The watershed issue is grace – whether we are able to receive it or not. We cannot give something we do not have.
Can you imagine a marriage vow going something like this: “I have a lot of terrific inner needs and inner emptiness and debts to pay, and I’m going to give you a marvelous opportunity to fill my Grand Canyon and take care of me.”
We have this nasty tendency to make idols of other people and often look at them as though they owe us a debt of happiness and joy and peace. A marriage vow that is spoken in the heart like that will inevitably result in debt-collecting: A few years down the road the spouse says, “This is not what you were like when I married you… You owe me!” Our insecurity comes from the inability to receive grace. It is all about grace, not guilt, not debt-collecting because the debt has already been paid and the guilt has been erased. Hebrews 10:22 says: Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled (with the blood of Christ) to cleanse us from a guilty conscience.
Christians have been forgiven. There is no need to collect a debt that has already been paid. The cross of Jesus Christ has taken care of the sin issue once for all, and not one person is an exception to the grace of God.
Is there someone you resent? Is there someone who has wronged you, and when you see them or think about them you have resentment in your heart? Do you every say to yourself: “I would not have this problem if it were not for so and so?” Our happiness is not dependent on another person. No one is responsible for your well-being and happiness except you.
Matt Woodley responded to the man who had lost his wife to another man by saying, “Well, I guess it doesn’t matter if you go to jail because you’re already in jail. The guy who stole your wife and smirked at your hearing isn’t in jail. You are. You are a prisoner of your own hate, and you are slowly killing yourself.” A week after that conversation the man called the Pastor and said, “You know, I get your point. I put the gun away. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in jail – and I want to get rid of this bitterness.
The way to do it is through forgiveness. To forgive involves a long journey for us, just like every other aspect of following Jesus is. Forgiveness means to not hold an offense over somebody’s head for the rest of their life. Hopefully, by retelling the gospel of grace to one another week after week our hearts will soften. We will want to begin the journey to forgiving others, stumbling forward with hearts both torn by hurts yet set free by grace. May it be so of us all.