Tag: unmarried

Directives For the Married and Divorced (1 Corinthians 7:10-16)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year BLeave a comment

To the married I give this command—not I but the Lord—that the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does separate, let her remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband) and that the husband should not divorce his wife.

To the rest I say—I and not the Lord—that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. And if any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce the husband. 

For the unbelieving husband is made holy through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy through the brother. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so; in such a case the brother or sister is not bound. It is to peace that God has called us. Wife, for all you know, you might save your husband. Husband, for all you know, you might save your wife. (New Revised Standard Version)

Having specifically addressed questions about sex; and having directly talked to the Christians in Corinth who were single; the Apostle Paul then turned to the married persons in the church. He gave directions about their concerns of divorce and how to handle a spouse who does not share the believing spouse’s Christian beliefs.

Divorce

Divorce is one of those things that no one plans on happening when they are married; and yet, it happens. The Apostle was realistic about the situation. He upheld the sanctity of marriage, while recognizing that the ideal of two people remaining together and blessing one another doesn’t always happen.

I find it interesting, as well as gracious and understanding, that Paul neither condemns nor denounces the divorced person. He assumes that both spouses have responsibility, and both can take initiative as partners in a marriage.

A Christian married to an unbelieving partner, according to Paul, ought to remain married. As long as the non-believing spouse is willing to remain in such a marriage, then it should continue.

The Apostle’s rationale is that peace, not divorce, needs to be the controlling characteristic of both the marriage and of the Christian life.

“Mixed” Marriage

Furthermore, Paul believed that Christians are not defiled by pagan spouses. This is important when it comes to the children of a Christian and non-Christian marriage. The relationship is sanctified by the presence of both the believing spouse and the Holy Spirit.

In addition, the Apostle saw that the Christian spouse is in a special position for God to work through them to the unbelieving spouse. On this point, Paul is sanguine and optimistic. Instead of worrying about impurity for the Christian, he foresaw an opportunity for purity in the non-Christian.

The Apostle Paul’s realism reminds us that if we are looking for ultimate satisfaction through marriage (or singleness and celibacy) it will never be found.

That’s because, as Christians, contentment and peace comes through giving our lives to serve the Lord Jesus in love. To love another, and offer the gift of self-sacrificial service to them, is the ultimate path to the way of Christ.

In losing our lives, we find them; in being last, we are promoted to first.

Marriage is beautiful. Divorce is ugly. Sometimes, despite a believer’s greatest efforts at being peaceful and loving, a divorce occurs. It takes two to have a marriage. There are times when the believing person must let their spouse go, that is, if that spouse wants to go.

Although divorce can be ugly and sad, full of broken dreams, and littered with missed expectations, it doesn’t need to stay that way. The divorced person, becoming single, now has the opportunity to bring something beautiful out of the brokenness.

Kintsugi

“Kintsugi” is a Japanese term for the art of repairing broken objects. The word literally means to “join with gold.” This art form uses a particular lacquer to reattach broken pieces. Then the newly attached joints are decorated with gold (or silver) powder.

The working idea behind the art of kintsugi is to embrace the flaws and the imperfections. By doing so, the artist can create a beautiful piece of art, stronger than the original.

Applying this to relationships, people no longer have to simply live with the shame of a broken marriage. We can assign value to people who are divorced, and stop trying to hide the relational damage. Through intentional efforts on healing, the scars left behind can truly become a source of beauty – instead of permanent ugliness.

Ikigai

Another Japanese concept which can be relevant for us is “ikigai.” It refers to having a reason for living, a sense of purpose and meaning to life. The idea behind ikigai is to help people find what is truly important to them, and then to live a life full of joy and purpose. Notice the concept is based on that which is internal – fulfillment, satisfaction, joy, and meaning – instead of external factors such as money, fame, power, or position.

Jesus joyfully lived his life on this earth to serve others. He came not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many (Mark 10:45). If marriage was the ideal for everyone in this world, I’m quite sure Jesus would have modeled that for us by getting married. But he didn’t.

Neither marriage, nor singleness, is what really counts. Faith, expressing itself through love, is what actually counts. (Galatians 5:6)

And when Jesus was broken, the result became the salvation of the world. By his wounds, we are healed. (Isaiah 53:5)

All of this demonstrates for us where and what we are to assign meaning. And just because things don’t work out like we want, and leaves us in a state of brokenness, our lives can be transformed into a beauty beyond what we could have imagined.

This is the strength and ability of Christianity. Methinks we ought to let it have its way in our lives.

Almighty and everlasting God, the One who makes us whole in our brokenness, calls us to deeper faith, and delivers us from all things that hinder our devotion to you: Hear our prayer, Lord, and break open all we hold back from you, so that we may see a vision of your helping and healing presence in our lives and in our world, through Jesus Christ, in the power of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Questions About Sex (1 Corinthians 7:1-9)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year BLeave a comment

Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations. But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.

The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another.

So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust. (New Living Translation)

After getting into several issues of interpersonal relations within the church, the Apostle Paul turned his attention to matters the Corinthian congregation had questions about. Primary among them were issues of sex and marriage.

Within an ancient port city that was rife with all sorts of sexual practices and immorality, it was inevitable that the Corinthian Christians would wonder about the nature of sex and the marital relationship. Is it okay to have sex? Is sex good? What’s sex supposed to be like in marriage? How am I to treat my spouse when it comes to sex?

It seems every culture in every era has plenty of questions about sex and marriage.

The Apostle’s answer to the Corinthian believers is that sex is a good thing, that is, within a proper context. Sex is similar to fire. They’re both good, but they both have an incredible potential for destruction if there are not some solid boundaries and limits to them.

And that’s where marriage comes in and has a significant role for us as sexual beings. Marriage is also a good thing; it’s good to have a marital partner to share life with and to consummate a loving relationship with the intimacy of sex.

Our sexual drives are strong. After all, we were created with both the desire and the bodily equipment for sex. And marriage is a sacred institution which is strong enough to provide those boundaries and limits that we need to enjoy sex without harming others and ourselves.

In a world full of all manner of sexual deviancy and disorder that destroys many people, the marriage relationship is, ideally, a safe place for sexual expression and enjoyment.

For that good to happen, it is most necessary for the marriage bed to be a place of mutual love, of equal acceptance and sharing. Sex always turns bad when it is forced or coerced. It must be an agreed upon activity, or it moves into the place of covetousness, greed, and selfishness.

Again, ideally, marital relations are an opportunity for the marriage partners to think about and satisfy one another. In other words, the best sex happens when each partner considers what is best for the other.

The marriage bed is not the place to insist on your way. Rather, marriage, at its heart, is a deliberate and volitional decision to serve the other person – whether in bed, or out of bed.

It’s not uncommon for individuals who come to Christ out of a culture awash in unhealthy sexual practices to question if sex is good, or not; and whether one ought to abstain from sex, even if already married.

The Apostle Paul’s counsel is that abstinence from sex between two married partners is good – but only for an agreed upon period of time, and only for the purpose of prayer and fasting. In other words, if and when a couple agrees to forego sex for a time, spiritual practices must replace sexual practice. Without a clear plan, married couples can cause one another more harm than good.

Always know when to come back together again. That’s because our old adversary, Satan, is far too crafty in arranging temptations to derail us from the good gift of sex, and the good institution of marriage.

Paul made it clear that he was not pronouncing some ex cathedra instruction concerning abstinence for couples; he was only answering a question and providing some helpful counsel in order to maintain legitimate relations with each other. Nobody is under obligation to abstain, let alone be celibate.

However, the Apostle, an unmarried and celibate person himself, wanted to point out that there are advantages to the celibate life. I must say, I cannot disagree with Paul’s observation that life is whole lot simpler being single than married!

Yet, Paul also understood that the celibate single life is not for everyone. He gave the sage teaching that both marriage and celibacy are gifts from God. One is not necessarily better than the other.

Unmarried persons are not in a lesser class of people simply because they are single. And if they have the ability to manage their desires and emotions when it comes to sex and relationships, then Paul would say, more power to them. There is no need to be married, just to be married.

Conversely, however, there is certainly no need to be single and celibate, as if this were some superior spiritual situation. Believing that singleness is necessary for spiritual commitment, or mandating that an entire group of people must be single and celibate in order to serve Christ, is completely foreign to the Apostle Paul’s line of thinking.

Any single person who discovers they are swimming in sea of sexual desire ought to marry, rather than be frustrated and struggle with self-control. Imposing unnecessary suffering on oneself is not at all spiritual or preferable – it’s masochistic, and helps no one.

The reality of married and non-married relationships is that they both have their advantages and their disadvantages. Both marriage and singleness are good. Both sex and celibacy are gifts to receive with gladness and joy.

So, make sure to unpack your gift well.

Holy God, in the midst of our sexualized world of insanity and disordered loves, I ask for your mercy and grace to be pure and holy, just as You are holy. Enable us all to live into healthy forms of sexual relations, without succumbing to the sexual immorality all around us.

Almighty God, I thank you for the gift of sex and marriage, as well as the gift of singleness and celibacy. May Your healing love meet us in our sexual brokenness, and Your compassion overflow to the sexually oppressed.

Blessed God, I am grateful for Your blessing upon us, for never shaming nor humiliating us, but making us pure and holy in Jesus Christ our Lord, through the enablement of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

1 Corinthians 7:32-40 – Relational Worries

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year BLeave a comment

 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

If anyone is worried that he might not be acting honorably toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if his passions are too strong and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin—this man also does the right thing. So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does better. A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is—and I think that I too have the Spirit of God. (NIV)

Everyone experiences worry and anxiety. It is part of our human condition in this broken world. You may have even woken up this morning with deep furrows of anxiety about the state of your life – and maybe God was lost somewhere in your worry. The Bible addresses worry many times, and the Apostle Paul brings it out here in our New Testament lesson for today.

Throughout the letter to the Corinthians, the Apostle Paul dealt with several issues effecting the life and health of the church. One of the topics of discussion was the prospect of marriage for unmarried persons (sounds like Paul spoke at a lot of college campuses). Paul went back and forth with the people as if he had a daisy in his hand giving a pre-marital counseling illustration of “she loves me, she loves me not” as he pulled petals off the flower.

“We must make the choices that enable us to fulfill the deepest capacities of our real selves.”

thomas merton

Paul vacillated between whether to get married or not because of his larger concern about individual and congregational anxiety. The Apostle wanted everyone in the church to be free from worry. This, then, becomes a sage grid from which to make an important life decision: Does being unmarried create worry and anxiety within you, to the point that you cannot think about pleasing God? 

If that is the case, then drop the long engagement and get married, or put yourself out there to connect in a relationship. If being unmarried does not cause one to worry, then Paul would say to stay in your current state and be unconcerned for pursuing a marriage relationship. Instead, use your station in life to serve God freely, liberated from the worry of caring for a spouse.

Pleasing and serving the Lord is Paul’s highest good. If we are in life circumstances which make it difficult for us to serve God, then we ought to work to change the situation so that we can focus better on Christ. This is one of the most simple and wise ways of making decisions for the Christian devoted to Jesus, and discerning God’s will.

Having said that, it is important not to overthink this – because it only adds to the anxiety and really goes nowhere in making sound decisions. When it comes to issues about marriage and relationships, some folks get paralyzed wanting to make the “right” decision, and so, get too scared to even talk about their worry with others. Throw into the mix a possible underlying anxiety about being rejected, and decision-making can get quickly stymied. If we are too nervous to voice our concerns, we will likely miss out on the opportunity to potentially get reassurance and help.

Whenever we experience decision-making anxiety, there are some ways to address it…

  • Breathe. Take some deep breaths and feel your feet on the ground. When you have an internal conflict, it creates inner drama, and we easily get stuck. Take a deep breath to take the edge off.
  • Be curious. When we are conflicted on the inside, be curious about what you want or need. Explore your true intentions without judgment. It is when our inner-critic chimes in with the harsh rhetoric of judgment that we often become anxious and worried. It is okay to identify and express what we really need and want.
  • Write it out. The act of writing not only helps clarify our thought process; it also calms our brains and our spirits – which allows us to calmly ask ourselves: “What is the best move at this point?”

May you blessed because you care. Although relational anxiety can vex our spirits, it is a sign that we want what is best for ourselves and others.

Gracious God, you in every way want me to be healthy and content. Help me not to be overcome by anxiety, and in all I do direct me to fulfilling of your purposes; through Jesus Christ, my Lord, along with you and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.