sexual assault – Rev. Tim Ehrhardt

In the course of time, Amnon, son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David.

Amnon became so obsessed with his sister Tamar that he made himself ill. She was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her.

Now Amnon had an adviser named Jonadab son of Shimeah, David’s brother. Jonadab was a very shrewd man. He asked Amnon, “Why do you, the king’s son, look so haggard morning after morning? Won’t you tell me?”

Amnon said to him, “I’m in love with Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.”

“Go to bed and pretend to be ill,” Jonadab said. “When your father comes to see you, say to him, ‘I would like my sister Tamar to come and give me something to eat. Let her prepare the food in my sight so I may watch her and then eat it from her hand.’”

So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, “I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so I may eat from her hand.”

David sent word to Tamar at the palace: “Go to the house of your brother Amnon and prepare some food for him.” So Tamar went to the house of her brother Amnon, who was lying down. She took some dough, kneaded it, made the bread in his sight and baked it. Then she took the pan and served him the bread, but he refused to eat.

“Send everyone out of here,” Amnon said. So everyone left him. Then Amnon said to Tamar, “Bring the food here into my bedroom so I may eat from your hand.” And Tamar took the bread she had prepared and brought it to her brother Amnon in his bedroom. But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me, my sister.”

“No, my brother!” she said to him. “Don’t force me! Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing. What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you.” But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.

Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, “Get up and get out!”

“No!” she said to him. “Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me.”

But he refused to listen to her. He called his personal servant and said, “Get this woman out of my sight and bolt the door after her.” So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. She was wearing an ornate robe, for this was the kind of garment the virgin daughters of the king wore. Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornate robe she was wearing. She put her hands on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went. (New International Version)

*Tamar, David’s daughter, photo by Dikla Laor*

There is a very sad reality that has been pervasive throughout human history. Sexual assault and rape has existed as long as people have been on this earth.

Today’s account of Tamar’s awful experience, of having her life upended and changed forever, and of being dehumanized – treated as an object and not as a person created in the image of likeness of God – is unfortunately a story of far too many women in history, as well as today.

To have this sort of thing happen to just one woman is unacceptable, and ought never to happen again. And yet, countless female lives (not to mention many male lives, as well) have been altered by another (or others) who only viewed them from a place of evil desire.

It isn’t right. It’s not just. It is not good. Downright ungodly is what it truly is. There is nobody who should ever have to go through something like Tamar did.

There are enough of these sorts of stories in history, in literature, and in the news, that it’s hard for past victims not to be re-traumatized all over again – remembering what happened in their own lives, and being triggered yet again with unwanted memories.

That is neither the Bible’s intention, nor mine. Rather, I want to acknowledge Tamar’s experience as having happened, and that it was not her fault in any way, shape, or form. I see Tamar, in the healthy sense of seeing. And I hope, if you in some way relate to Tamar, that you are seen this day by someone who cares, and by a God who understands and grieves along with you.

There’s no need for me, therefore, to rehash the particulars of today’s Old Testament story. This is a scriptural case in which reading it once is sufficient for today. The real question is what we are going to do with it.

For those who are concerned, and wonder how to help someone, a friend or family member, who has been harassed or assaulted, consider the following:

Believe them, period. There’s no need to ask a lot of probing questions, as if you’re trying to find the truth. Encourage and support, don’t judge or criticize.
Affirm to them that they are not alone. Offer your support and time. Let them know of resources which might help (see below).
Let them know this was not their fault. Avoid blaming or trying to find out what they could have done differently.
Empower them. It’s their choice to tell their story, or not; or what parts of the story they want to reveal. Do anything you can to let them know they have options, and that they are in control of the conversation.
Ask how you can help. “How can I help you?” assumes that the other person knows better than you do about what they need. And keep asking as the days, weeks, and months go on.
Tell them your observations. If they look mad or sad, anxious or depressed, or are doing something which seems concerning, offer your observations without judgment. You can always ask them if your own perspective is on, or off.
Refer to others who can help. A person in crisis needs more help, not less. Not only might they need a trained therapist, but they may also need other forms of support in order to cope with what happened. Changing a residence, dropping classes, or help with basic daily chores are examples of assistance they may want. They might also need others who can help them with unhealthy ways of coping such as alcohol or risky behaviors.
Know your own limits. Steer clear from trying to do the job of people who have the training to do it. Know what you can do and not do. Also, if you do all the problem-solving, they might miss opportunities to learn new ways of coping. For example they might be reluctant to confront important but painful issues in therapy if they have already been discussed with you.

A few resources of help for those affected by sexual assault:

The National Sexual Assault Hotline has confidential 24/7 support either online at online.rainn.org, or by phone at 800-656-4673

End Violence Against Women International (EVAWI) is an organization which is a catalyst for justice and healing, so that every survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence gets the right response, every time. The EVAWI specializes in trauma-informed law enforcement responses. You can find them online at evawintl.org

Rise serves to bring equality to sexual assault survivors across the country and around the world; and seeks to help anyone who has the vision and drive to pen their own rights into existence. They can be found at risenow.us

The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV), a social change organization, is dedicated to creating a social, political, and economic environment in which violence against women no longer exists. You can find them online at nnedv.org

Gracious heavenly Father: You love and care for all of your children, especially the smallest and most vulnerable. We entrust to you the lives of the many who have been sexually abused, and whose trust and innocence have been destroyed. Help us to hear their cries of pain and to take responsibility for their broken lives.

May they may find understanding and support so that with the help of your grace their wounds may be healed, and they may again know peace. Grant this through our Lord Jesus Christ, your Son, who shared our weakness in all things but sin, and lives and reigns with you in the unity of the Holy Spirit forever and ever. Amen.

Getting a phone call at 4:00am is rarely good news. As a Pastor I have had my share of them over the years and it has always meant someone is in trouble. A few years ago a young man gave us one of those calls. Something was wrong with his girlfriend (I will call her “Jane”), she was upset and hostile and could not talk to him. My wife and I got out of bed and came right over. Upon arriving we found a beautiful college-age woman sitting in the driveway crying uncontrollably. Coming up to Jane, she had the stale stench of beer and could not stand or talk, but could only heave great sobs of distress. We helped Jane up, got her into our car, and took her to our house. There Jane began to sober up and began telling her story: she had been at party near campus and got pretty drunk. At midnight she decided to go home, but made the decision to walk by herself across campus to try and make it back to her place. What happened next Jane could only remember in bits and pieces, and is perhaps every young woman’s nightmare….

According to the American Association of University Women, somewhere between 20%-25% of college women are raped sometime during their college career; 65% of these attacks go unreported; and, alcohol is involved in 75% of the assaults. The Wisconsin Coalition Against Sexual Assault reports that 14% of women over 18 years of age are raped in their lifetime, and that over 17 million women nationwide have been victims of sexual assault. Disturbingly, 11-15 year old children are the highest victimized age group.

When a rape occurs, the victim should get to a safe place, resist taking a shower, get medical attention immediately, report the abuse, and receive counseling as soon as possible. Certainly, Jane made some bad decisions: excessive partying, having amorphous relationships (did no one try and stop Jane from leaving the party by herself?), and sexual license that was occurring at that party.

How should we respond and help in such a situation? Jane is not the only victim I have worked with, and I wish I could tell you that all the cases I have seen have a happy ending. Unfortunately, I must say that I have seen far too many believers in Jesus only add to the hurt by pointing out the bad decisions made on the part of the victim, as if they were not a victim at all but brought the assault upon themselves. Even in situations completely out of the victim’s control, guilt is sometimes applied by probing what the victim could have done differently….

To put this in perspective, let me tell a hypothetical story. When my daughter was small she rarely walked, but ran everywhere she went. In public, I always had to hold her hand so she would not run off alone. As we walk down the sidewalk I tell her to hold my hand and not let go, but she pulls away and runs into the street, and is hit by a car. What will be my response? “Well, that’s what you get for disobeying me!” No! Instead, I will have the reaction of much tears and doing everything I can to get her the help she needs, while all the time assuring her that I love her and will not leave her….

The way to handle a sexual assault of any kind is to turn it around and offer an assault of grace. All ministry is grace, and the grace of God is the thing that heals. The way people change is not through pointing out their poor judgments or finding out what could have been done differently, but through the grace of extending mercy and help in time of need, no matter the circumstance. In the novel, Les Miserables, ex-convict Jean Valjean makes the decision of stealing from the priest who extended hospitality to him. When caught by the police and brought to the priest, the man of God responds in grace by saying that the items were a gift. What is more, the old priest chastises Jean for leaving in such a rush the night before that he forgot to take the two silver candlesticks. This act of mercy and kindness changes Jean’s life forever, and in turn, changes an entire town.

The cross of Christ is scandalous simply because of its radical nature of grace to all of us who are undeserving of it. So, if God can be gracious to people who are not even victims, how much more should we, as his followers, be about the kingdom business of extending vast resources of mercy and grace to genuine victims of abuse?

Are you prepared to respond to sexual abuse when it occurs?
–Have numbers in your cell phone of state and local counseling services, and of your local rape hotline.
–Local law enforcement is ready and equipped to handle abuse situations. The victim will most likely need help filing formal reports.
–Many colleges and county services also have a comprehensive referral list of services to help the victim.
–The police are ready to respond, even if the victim does not want to pursue criminal charges, through advising victims of their options and helping to create a safety plan for the future.
–Get to know all the services, agencies, and key people in your area.
–Teach and equip church congregations in the way of grace in ministry through using the Bible to comfort a victim with assurance that God is close to the broken-hearted. Resist playing arm-chair psychologist and instead demonstrate grace through your presence and reassuring words.