Tag: self-awareness

Straddling Two Worlds

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality BlogLeave a comment

“You are not far from the kingdom of God.” (Mark 12:34)

It really sucks being sick, no matter what the particular illness is.

I realize those may be strange words coming from a tenured and ordained church pastor and hospital chaplain. Nevertheless, it is a truism which far too many people know about intimately.

Yet, there might be something even worse than the devastating effects of one’s own ill health – whether it be cancer or a cold, epilepsy or constipation – and that is the awful grinding reality that someone you love dearly is suffering beyond what you can do for them. If you could take their place, you’d do it in a heartbeat.

And, honestly, many, if not most, people are in one of those situations right this very minute – either needing care or being the caregiver.

As I was walking through my neighborhood last night, as I often do after the day’s sunset, I couldn’t help thinking about all my neighbors inside those lighted rooms. Every single person, I felt and knew in my bones, was going through some sort of illness that’s impeding the quality of their life; or they’re struggling to know how to pray for that friend or loved one who is profoundly ill, wondering what to do, at all.

Debilitating illness is one of those realities of the human condition that appears to be so devilishly odd in a world where billions of people worship God. If there is such a divine Being, where the hell is he!? Why do I feel so helpless?

There is something else for us to contemplate – that we live in a weird space between two worlds. The first world we are quite familiar with – the tangible reality of our five senses. But this other world is a place we are much more unfamiliar with; it has multiple if not millions of senses which we cannot see, hear, feel, taste, or touch with our physical capabilities.

Something inside of us, besides our literal brains, hearts, and guts, existentially knows that deep within us is a soul. I personally don’t care much what you want to call it – spirit, metaphysical awareness, biological wirings, gut feelings, etc. But there is a special place inside of us that is ready-made to connect with that other ethereal world of the spirit and soul.

Let me ask: What makes a young woman with cancer become driven to make a difference in the world, even though she may die tomorrow? Where does the desire bubble-up for a heart patient who could be gone before the day is out to say something of great value that family and friends will forever remember and record?

And what makes you and I get out of bed in the morning, desiring to impact the world in significant ways that makes things better, not worse?

I confess that far too often, in my own ill health, as well as the debilitations of my dear wife, I throw a daily little pity party complete with doll sized cups along with juicy gossip of how others don’t understand.

I rehearse old wounds from the past, wish things were different in the present, and fear for what is to come in the future. O, my friends, you already know this is no way to live a good life.

If we’re going to live with any sort of faith, hope, and love, we will need to recognize our place in-between these two worlds of earth and spirit.

I wish I could tell you that I have it all worked out, that I could give you some short pithy statements of experiential truth which will transform your life experience.

But I don’t.

So, here is what I try my darndest to do ever single day, as a person who seeks to touch both worlds, and who is devoted to the person of Jesus: I surrender to Love. I give myself to what is most important. And when I fail, I let divine forgiveness wash over me.

I luxuriate in the spiritual world’s reality that if somehow I lose myself, I will find Jesus – or rather that Jesus will find me. Love has its own mysterious ways of making the right connections when they need to happen.

I bask in the profound paradox that in renouncing everything I have and everything I am, I gain the greatest possessions in existence – and they are found on that other side, in the spiritual world.

I freely humble myself and resign myself to the words and ways of Jesus – even when they make no sense in the earthly world. “Love your enemy.” Really!? Okay, I’ll give it a go… and it is amazing to always see the results that happen inside of me, and in the other spiritual world, that have little to do with that other person.

The medieval mystics are not popular with a lot of people. I admit Christian mystics are strange people, and have the sort of demands of the Old Testament prophets. But I love them.

One of my favorites, Thomas à Kempis, is insistent that if you lose yourself, you will find Jesus. To resign oneself completely to Jesus, fully and totally without any wavering, is to find the appropriate sweet spot between the two worlds of physical and spiritual. Writing to his young acolytes, Thomas minces no words:

“Let this be the goal of your striving and the object of your prayer, namely, to desire to be stripped of all your belongings, and once naked, that you may be ready to follow the naked Jesus. You must die to yourself to live eternally with me.” (The Imitation of Christ)

Sometimes this happens intentionally, as one longs to connect with the Christ they sense around them. In other ways, much like C.S. Lewis, other people come kicking and screaming to the place between the worlds.

Yet, by whichever means we get there, a place of grace opens to us. From that awkward vantage point – between health and illness – we discover that binary explanations have no place in this realm. Instead, all of us move between the worlds throughout our lives.

And, I would suggest, that the best and most effective way of navigating those worlds is taking the strong advice of both the medieval Thomas and the ancient Jesus. Little do we know how close we are to finding peace and purpose in our upside-down lives:

Now when Jesus was asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, He answered them and said, “The kingdom of God does not come with observation; nor will they say, ‘See here!’ or ‘See there!’ For indeed, the kingdom of God is within you.” (Luke 17:20-21, NKJV)

What we truly want and long for is no further than the hospital bed we’re occupying, or any other place we find ourselves in. And, furthermore, the place to find how to help that dear loved one is to journey within ourselves, not without.

If you are like me, you don’t much like limitations. I like the feeling of handling multiple responsibilities and accomplishing them with care and competence. The last thing I want is anything or anyone getting in my way of fulfilling great and meaningful work.

But I have had to learn that my limitations – which grow every day – are actually the key to knowing how to live the Christian life, as well as just plain old life in general.

The more I become aware of my true abilities, accept them, and move with them, the more I see that the world does not spin on the axis of my ability to accomplish anything. And the more dependent I realize I truly am, the more I observe the Christ who has everything under control – even when it seems God is absent.

It is to be expected that God will eventually put us in places of great limitation. Yes,  it will frustrate us in our seeming inability to effect any sort of change to an unjust situation. We just want whatever the offending circumstance is to be exorcised from this world. Yet, it rarely, if ever, happens.

This is not some demented divine game which God is playing on us – to be caught between worlds, and to struggle with all our might to make the best of our situations as people who are both sinner and saint, sick and well, sinister and full of goodness.

No, the nature of our common human condition of hard circumstances as people of faith is meant to strengthen our allegiance and our hope, so that we may be Christians publicly displaying who God is like, and that there is such a thing as truth in the public square.

“…even though you have to suffer different kinds of trouble for a little while now. The purpose of these troubles is to test your faith as fire tests how genuine gold is. Your faith is more precious than gold, and by passing the test, it gives praise, glory, and honor to God…” (1 Peter 1:6-7, GW)

It is downright hard trying to straddle between the two worlds of spiritual hope and physical adversity. But it’s necessary, even if we are unable to discern this reality for now. Every small decision of faith made in love with a good heart has immense impact in the universe, although we may never see that great and good consequence this side of heaven.

Living between two worlds will always be difficult. And it requires a level of surrender to God that is scary. Yet we can still be safe, strong, and spiritual; because we are all in this human condition together.

What Are You Searching For? (1 Samuel 9:15-27)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year BLeave a comment

Now the day before Saul came, the Lord had revealed to Samuel: “Tomorrow about this time I will send to you a man from the land of Benjamin, and you shall anoint him to be ruler over my people Israel. He shall save my people from the hand of the Philistines, for I have seen the suffering of my people, because their outcry has come to me.” 

When Samuel saw Saul, the Lord told him, “Here is the man of whom I spoke to you. He it is who shall rule over my people.” Then Saul approached Samuel inside the gate and said, “Tell me, please, where is the house of the seer?” 

Samuel answered Saul, “I am the seer; go up before me to the shrine, for today you shall eat with me, and in the morning I will let you go and will tell you all that is on your mind. As for your donkeys that were lost three days ago, give no further thought to them, for they have been found. And on whom is all Israel’s desire fixed, if not on you and on all your ancestral house?” 

Saul answered, “I am only a Benjaminite, from the least of the tribes of Israel, and my family is the humblest of all the families of the tribe of Benjamin. Why then have you spoken to me in this way?”

Then Samuel took Saul and the young man and brought them into the hall and gave them a place at the head of those who had been invited, of whom there were about thirty. And Samuel said to the cook, “Bring the portion I gave you, the one I asked you to put aside.” The cook took up the upper thigh and set it before Saul. Samuel said, “See, what was reserved is set before you. Eat, for it was kept for you for this appointed time, so that you might eat with the guests.”

So Saul ate with Samuel that day. When they came down from the shrine into the town, a bed was spread for Saul on the roof, and he lay down to sleep. Then at the break of dawn Samuel called to Saul upon the roof, “Get up, so that I may send you on your way.” Saul got up, and both he and Samuel went out into the street.

As they were going down to the outskirts of the town, Samuel said to Saul, “Tell the young man to go on before us, and when he has passed on, stop here yourself for a while, that I may make known to you the word of God.” (New Revised Standard Version)

There are many times in our lives when we are on a quest for something that is lost. Saul was on a mission to find some lost donkeys. But, all along, there was a much larger quest taking place; God was on a quest to find a leader for Israel. Saul was wandering and looking for donkeys; he tried to find the “seer” (Samuel) in order to find the animals. He found, however, that he himself was the object of a bigger search.

I wonder how often we look and seek and turn over every rock in order to find something, only to discover that we had the thing all along. And if we were to look a bit deeper into ourselves, I believe we would find that we already have what we need.

We search for an answer, seek for a person who can lead us where we want to be, or go on a quest to find the something, or that someone, which will satisfy our longing for peace, normalcy, or at least, a smidge of relief. Yet, we just might be on the wrong search.

If spiritual guidance is what we want, then what, precisely, do we need? What exactly is it which requires help? We may end up looking like a jack ass, simply because we are searching for one.

In contrast to Saul’s blind searching, Samuel sits patiently and waits, knowing exactly who he’s watching for.

Even though Samuel, as the mouthpiece of God, had warned the people against asking for king, the people still demanded one. Yet, God was flexible and moved with the will of the people. And Samuel trusted the Lord and moved with God. None of this, however, negated the situation of the people’s misguided stubbornness.

The Lord takes our human decision-making, responsibility, and accountability seriously. So, we too, are to weigh our decisions carefully so that they are consistent with good purposes. And when things go sideways, we are to own up to our decisions and actions (or inactions).

Throughout the story, even though Saul looks impressive, he is continually clueless to everything going on. He isn’t aware that the donkeys have been found. He doesn’t know where to look for the seer, and that the seer is Samuel. He isn’t aware of why he is being invited to a feast. Saul was clueless that he was being chosen for a task.

To be unaware is to be driven by the forces within us which we do not recognize. Yet, conversely, to be aware is to have the conscious power of choices; we can choose one path over another because we have awareness of where those paths lead, as well as what is going on inside of us. In other words, we can make decisions wisely with awareness of self, others, and the world.

Saul had none of this awareness. And as his story unfolds throughout the rest of the book of 1 Samuel, we can observe how much he seems out of control and disconnected from himself, others, and the situations around him.

One of things which inevitably results from a lack of self-awareness, is impatience. The life of Saul, as we shall see, is marked by having ants-in-his-pants; he had a hard time waiting. The introduction we have of Saul in today’s story begins to clue us in on the fact that he actively searches for dumb animals, intimating that he himself may not be the brightest bulb in Israel.

Samuel, however, is self-aware, and thus, patient. He is able to wait, and does not give into any anxiety to do differently. Samuel’s quest for humility, wisdom, and knowledge of God helped him become aware and confident.

Which character do you most relate to, Samuel, or Saul? Why? In what ways might you gain a greater awareness of yourself, others in your life, and your circumstances? How might you develop a better awareness of the divine?

Most of all, what is it that you are truly searching for?

Blessed God, help me to see myself and my life through your unconditional love and acceptance of me so that your love and power can flow in and through me. Help me to remember that nothing can separate me from your love. Amen.

Wednesday of Holy Week (John 13:21-32)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year BLeave a comment
The Lord’s Supper, by Rubem Zevallos Técnica

After saying this Jesus was troubled in spirit and declared, “Very truly, I tell you, one of you will betray me.” The disciples looked at one another, uncertain of whom he was speaking. One of his disciples—the one whom Jesus loved—was reclining close to his heart; Simon Peter therefore motioned to him to ask Jesus of whom he was speaking. So while reclining next to Jesus, he asked him, “Lord, who is it?” 

Jesus answered, “It is the one to whom I give this piece of bread when I have dipped it in the dish.” So when he had dipped the piece of bread, he gave it to Judas son of Simon Iscariot. After he received the piece of bread, Satan entered into him. Jesus said to him, “Do quickly what you are going to do.” 

Now no one knew why he said this to him. Some thought that, because Judas had the common purse, Jesus was telling him, “Buy what we need for the festival,” or that he should give something to the poor. So, after receiving the piece of bread, he immediately went out. And it was night.

When he had gone out, Jesus said, “Now the Son of Man has been glorified, and God has been glorified in him. If God has been glorified in him, God will also glorify him in himself and will glorify him at once. (New Revised Standard Version)

In some Christian traditions, Wednesday of Holy Week is known as “Spy Wednesday.” It’s a reference to Judas Iscariot, and recalls his betrayal of Jesus to the religious authorities. Historically, the association of Wednesday with this betrayal of Jesus led to Wednesdays being observed as fast days in the church, a tradition still observed by some. 

Jesus was gathered with his disciples for the meal we know as the “Last Supper.” Jesus had just taken a towel and a bowl of water and washed the feet of those gathered with him. Peter, predictably, protested to Christ doing such a thing. Yet, Jesus told Peter that if there’s no foot washing, there’s no Christ. 

The Lord Jesus then went on to say that not all the disciples are clean. Christ knew he was about to be betrayed. Since Judas was there with the other disciples, that meant Jesus knelt to wash his feet, as well. Hence, the heightened reason why Jesus was so troubled in the moment.

The clueless men didn’t know what or who in the world Jesus was talking about. Nobody around the table suspected Judas as a betrayer. That’s how much Judas was a part of the group. He was trusted enough to be the purse holder who handled the common money account.

It appears that only Jesus and Judas know what’s going on when Judas is handed the piece of bread; then Jesus told him to do quickly what he must do. Sadly and unfortunately, Judas made his own free and deliberate choice, without any coercion – except perhaps with some satanic nudging.

The Last Supper, by Unknown artist, c.1400 C.E.

To betray the Son of God seems unthinkable. What could ever motivate a person to sell out Jesus? What reasoning is there behind such a foul decision? Why would anyone choose to be a turncoat toward an innocent man?

Although we may be interested in answers to such questions, and even though I myself have my own thoughts about the matter, the Apostle John gives us no motive for the decision of Judas. He simply did what he did, with no other comment than that.

With Judas out of the room, Jesus began speaking of glory – of the glorious relationship between the Father and the Son, and the divine love which comes tumbling out on Christ’s followers. And the divine choice is for love.

We also have a choice. We can choose to be self-aware, to be attentive to our emotions, to recognize the consequences of behaviors and choices, to avoid unhealthy and harmful patterns of living. These choices help us to have love tumble out of us when it’s needed.

Faith can, and ought, to play a leading role in life. It is when folks refuse to listen to their conscience and ignore their gut feelings, that questionable decision-making of the head and heart can take over.

There’s a lot that’s out of our control. Yet, we always have the choice of self-control concerning our words and actions. Things like kindness, empathy, and love are within our ability to choose. And we are always free to live into our spiritual identity as loved by Jesus and belonging to God.

It’s hard, though. Making such choices in the face of such betrayal. Christ was troubled in his spirit, not because of his upcoming humiliation and torture, but because he knew that one in his inner circle would betray him.

A mosaic of The Last Supper, in Monreale Cathedral, Palermo, Sicily, Italy

If you have ever had someone very close turn on you, then you well understand why this troubled Jesus and wounded him more than a physical cross. It is terribly disheartening to know that someone is not who they seem.

Remember, Jesus chose Judas as a disciple. And Judas chose to follow Jesus. As such, Judas was privy to all of Christ’s private explanations of parables and events. Judas was entrusted with the money; he knew everything on the event itinerary.

In other words, Judas was trusted to be a faithful follower. But instead, he sold out Jesus. It really must have been weird for Judas when Jesus brought up the matter before everyone – that he was going to be betrayed by one of them.

An outright naming of the scoundrel, however, was not the purpose of Christ’s raising the issue. This was no mystery game to be played around the table. A simple sharing of bread and wine was the only tip Jesus gave as to who it was. John caught on to what was happening, at least later, if not at the time.

The symbolism happening was packed with meaning. Bread, wine, and sharing them together symbolized the blood about to be spilled; a body about to be broken. And, ironically, Judas is the one who set it in motion. He did his part in making the blood flow and breaking the body.

There is, however, for the Christian, even more going on than that. These very symbols have become for us reminders of radical grace and forgiveness. The elements become the means of gathering together to remember and partake of that original event.

So, when Judas left to enact his betrayal, Jesus spoke not of the bad apple in the bushel, but of God’s glory. For it is soon to be revealed. And none of it will really be about Judas. It is now about demonstrating the purpose of God, the heart of Jesus, and the power of the Spirit.

Creator of the universe, you made the world in beauty, and restore all things in glory through the victory of Jesus Christ. We pray that, wherever your image is still disfigured by selfishness, greed, and betrayal, the new creation in Jesus Christ may appear in justice, love, and peace, to the glory of your name. Amen.

Accept Your Shadow Side (Acts 7:30-40)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year BLeave a comment

“Forty years later, in the desert near Mount Sinai, an angel appeared to Moses in the flame of a burning bush. When Moses saw it, he was amazed at the sight. As he went to take a closer look, the voice of the Lord called out to him, ‘I am the God of your ancestors—the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.’ Moses shook with terror and did not dare to look.

“Then the Lord said to him, ‘Take off your sandals, for you are standing on holy ground. I have certainly seen the oppression of my people in Egypt. I have heard their groans and have come down to rescue them. Now go, for I am sending you back to Egypt.’

“So God sent back the same man his people had previously rejected when they demanded, ‘Who made you a ruler and judge over us?’ Through the angel who appeared to him in the burning bush, God sent Moses to be their ruler and savior. And by means of many wonders and miraculous signs, he led them out of Egypt, through the Red Sea, and through the wilderness for forty years.

“Moses himself told the people of Israel, ‘God will raise up for you a Prophet like me from among your own people.’Moses was with our ancestors, the assembly of God’s people in the wilderness, when the angel spoke to him at Mount Sinai. And there Moses received life-giving words to pass on to us.

“But our ancestors refused to listen to Moses. They rejected him and wanted to return to Egypt. They told Aaron, ‘Make us some gods who can lead us, for we don’t know what has become of this Moses, who brought us out of Egypt.’ (New Living Translation)

We humans are a confusing paradox of sinner and saint. We are majestic people, created in the image and likeness of a good God. We are also profoundly fallen, touched by sin in every area of our lives. Our hearts exist with both light and darkness, having the capacity for both incredible altruism as well as inexplicable evil.

So then, it will do no good to retreat into binary definitions of people as being either good or bad. No, we shine and shadow at the same time. What really gets us into a terrible mess is when we ignore or deny our shadow selves. We then demonize the other while claiming purity for ourselves.

This is precisely what occurred when Stephen stood and spoke to a group of his fellow Jews. They stubbornly refused to acknowledge their shadow side. And it resulted in Stephen’s stoning and death. Whereas Stephen lifted and brought to light the unseemly aspects of their collective heritage, the people wanted nothing to do with it.

The Martyrdom of Stephen

In our present day, responses that do not want to acknowledge the shadow side include statements such as, “Quit being so negative. We focus on the positive. Expel this recalcitrant troublemaker once and for all!”

Oy. Acceptance cuts two ways. We must accept both our blessings and our curses. The acceptance of reality will not occur apart from a solid self-acceptance of who we are and how we are feeling in any given situation. On the practical level, it works something like the following story…

Several years ago, I went on a leadership retreat in the Canadian wilderness. We were so far out in the sticks that we needed special first aid training before leaving because if someone got severely injured it would be hours before any medical attention could be received. There was no cell phone service, no towns, no anything except mile after square mile of wilderness. 

One day, I was canoeing with a group of leaders, far out into the Canadian wilderness where there were no towns or people anywhere near us. It was very windy on this day in late May – which meant the water was still ice cold in Canada. One of the canoes capsized. We had to act quickly and deliberately – which was no small feat in a stiff wind. More than fifteen minutes would result in hypothermia for the two people in the water.

I did not like being in that situation. In fact, I didn’t much like the Canadian wilderness. Too many black flies and giant mosquitoes for me. My shadow side was coming out. But here I was, and I had to accept the reality I was in. One of the lessons I learned in that moment was that acceptance can sit alongside other reactions and emotions.

For example, a person can be outraged by an injustice, as Stephen was, and accept that it is a reality. Acceptance does not mean complacency or giving up. We can accept something while at the same time trying to make it better.

I also needed to accept what was happening inside of me. I was cold and worried. Trying to push those feelings away would have only added to the stress of the situation. If I failed to accept what was true about myself, I would be less able to deal with the situation, and so, would compromise my ability to help two people at risk.

I needed to accept the entire circumstance, including myself. Accepting what is inside gave me more influence over the situation, not less. Self-acceptance became the key to acceptance of unwanted conditions, and more importantly, acceptance of one another as human beings.

In that moment of rescuing two people (which ultimately proved successful) I became aware of a part of myself – the part that gets afraid and irritated – and chose not to stuff it or deny its existence.

I became the guy who talked to the panicked people in the water and kept them as calm as possible so that the others could get them out. I was able to do my part to help fearful people because I acknowledged and accepted my own fear.

Unlike my situation, however, Stephen’s experience ended in martyrdom. Just because we respond rightly, is no guarantee that everything will work out for our benefit. Rather, we say and do the things we must say and do, while leaving the results to a sovereign Lord.

It is our responsibility to work on ourselves, not others. And acceptance is the path to get there, all of it – including the shadow side – and not just part of it.

Jesus, let your mighty calmness lift me above my fears and frustrations. By your deep patience, give me tranquility and stillness of soul in you. Make me in this, and in all things, more and more like you. Amen.