Tag: relational dynamics

Some Relational Wisdom (Proverbs 25:1-28)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year BLeave a comment

Here are some more
    of Solomon’s proverbs.
They were copied by the officials
    of King Hezekiah of Judah.
God is praised
    for being mysterious;
rulers are praised
    for explaining mysteries.
Who can fully understand
    the thoughts of a ruler?
They reach beyond the sky
    and go deep in the earth.

Silver must be purified
before it can be used
    to make something of value.
Evil people must be removed
before anyone can rule
    with justice.

Don’t try to seem important
    in the court of a ruler.
It’s better for the ruler
    to give you a high position
than for you to be embarrassed
    in front of royal officials.
Be sure you are right
    before you sue someone,
or you might lose your case
    and be embarrassed.

When you and someone else
can’t get along,
    don’t gossip about it.
Others will find out,
and your reputation
    will then be ruined.

The right word
    at the right time
is like precious gold
    set in silver.
Listening to good advice
is worth much more
    than jewelry made of gold.
A messenger you can trust
is just as refreshing
    as cool water in summer.
Broken promises
are worse than rain clouds
    that don’t bring rain.
Patience and gentle talk
can convince a ruler
    and overcome any problem.

Eating too much honey
    can make you sick.
Don’t visit friends too often,
or they will get tired of it
    and start hating you.
Telling lies about friends
    is like attacking them
with clubs and swords
    and sharp arrows.
A friend you can’t trust
    in times of trouble
is like having a toothache
    or a sore foot.
Singing to someone
    in deep sorrow
is like pouring vinegar
    in an open cut.

If your enemies are hungry,
    give them something to eat.
And if they are thirsty,
give them something
    to drink.
This will be the same
as piling burning coals
    on their heads.
And the Lord
    will reward you.
As surely as rain blows in
    from the north,
anger is caused
    by cruel words.
It’s better to stay outside
    on the roof of your house
than to live inside
    with a nagging wife.

Good news from far away
refreshes like cold water
    when you are thirsty.
When a good person gives in
    to the wicked,
it’s like dumping garbage
    in a stream of clear water.
Don’t eat too much honey
    or always want praise.
Losing self-control
leaves you as helpless
    as a city without a wall. (Contemporary English Version)

The wise sayings in this chapter of the Book of Proverbs have to do with relational topics such as: relating to a leader; relating to others; and relating to oneself (self-control).

Relating To a Leader

When it comes to relating to any sort of leader above us, it is best to avoid arrogance and embrace humility.

Whether we realize it, or not, or like it, or not, leaders have a perspective that others don’t. They see the big picture of what is happening, and ideally, make wise decisions based upon all the factors and people involved.

This means that we are not always, maybe not even usually, going to understand what a leader or ruler is doing. This is why it is so important for leaders themselves to consult and collaborate with others, and choose wisely.

Humility isn’t only for followers, it is just as much, perhaps even more, necessary for the leader. Making decisions in a vacuum, or just trusting in one’s own counsel, usually doesn’t work out well. Everyone has character flaws, yet a leader’s flaws, weaknesses, and sins can stick out rather easily to others.

That doesn’t mean, however, that anyone has a right to believe they themselves can do a better job, or know more about how to lead, or have all the information. Because they don’t.

The ways of God are mysterious because it is a very big picture that only the Lord sees. And there are a lot of moving parts and people to all of God’s choices and movements in this world.

The important part, for us, is to recognize the goodness and wisdom of God, and to trust that the Lord – as the God of Love – always does what is right, just, and good, even though it may not always seem that way.

Relating To Others

When it comes to how we generally relate to our fellow humanity, we are to show some empathy and deference. The ability to put yourself in another’s shoes is quite important and necessary, in order to relate well to others.

In failing to do this, and only thinking of oneself, we end up overstaying a welcome from someone who was thinking of us; or not paying attention that my morning blessing feels more like a curse to the night owl; or sharing some juicy tidbit of information that isn’t ours to share, so that others listen and pay attention to me.

Today, in this day and age, many persons fail to think of others when they are driving. Far too many people drive as if they own the road, and as if the traffic laws don’t apply to them. If they think of another driver at all, it’s only to curse them for hindering their ability to get to where they want to go.

Relating to Self

In contrast to all of that, we ourselves are to practice self-control and choose to live differently. Instead of cursing, we bless; and rather than selfishness, we practice selflessness.

If we would but all learn to exercise kindness over revenge, our world would be a very different place than it is today. And if we would but choose to speak the truth in love, rather than tell lies in hate or indifference, then there would be a lot less harm and hurt in this old fallen world.

By practicing self-control, we stop the cycle of hate, injustice, and unkindness. But if we choose the path of escalating verbal and/or physical violence, then this only leaves us vulnerable to harm. And it may open a way of having those you care about be harmed, as well.

I myself am the only person I’m in control of. And so I choose to:

  • be honest, trustworthy, and let God provide the judgment and justice needed for others
  • consider others, and think before talking
  • listen to wise counsel, and not entertain the manipulative words of the foolish
  • walk the patient path of wisdom

O God, grant me the wisdom I need in all my relationships. Help me recognize when things may be unsafe. I pray your protection over me and my family when we feel vulnerable. Thank you for having the power to heal broken relationships. Amen.

A Sad Family Situation (2 Samuel 14:25-33)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year BLeave a comment
David and Absalom, by Marc Chagall, 1956

In all Israel there was not a man so highly praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the top of his head to the sole of his foot there was no blemish in him. Whenever he cut the hair of his head—he used to cut his hair once a year because it became too heavy for him—he would weigh it, and its weight was two hundred shekels by the royal standard.

Three sons and a daughter were born to Absalom. His daughter’s name was Tamar, and she became a beautiful woman.

Absalom lived two years in Jerusalem without seeing the king’s face. Then Absalom sent for Joab in order to send him to the king, but Joab refused to come to him. So he sent a second time, but he refused to come. Then he said to his servants, “Look, Joab’s field is next to mine, and he has barley there. Go and set it on fire.” So Absalom’s servants set the field on fire.

Then Joab did go to Absalom’s house, and he said to him, “Why have your servants set my field on fire?”

Absalom said to Joab, “Look, I sent word to you and said, ‘Come here so I can send you to the king to ask, “Why have I come from Geshur? It would be better for me if I were still there!”’ Now then, I want to see the king’s face, and if I am guilty of anything, let him put me to death.”

So Joab went to the king and told him this. Then the king summoned Absalom, and he came in and bowed down with his face to the ground before the king. And the king kissed Absalom. (New International Version)

Parents are people, and so, they don’t always make sense. David was both a king and a parent. And those two roles often got mixed and complicated for him.

David’s son Abasalom had killed another son, Amnon, who had sexually assaulted a daughter, Tamar, Abasalom’s sister. Yes, it sounds a lot like a Bible soap opera.

Joab, David’s military general (and cousin) convinces the king to bring Absalom back to Jerusalem, having fled Jerusalem after killing Amnon. And David did so. Yet, he gave an order that Absalom was not to come into his presence, even though David longed for his son.

It was a case of the nonsensical – the parental approach of yearning for an adult child, while at the same time, shunning and shaming them. Indeed, these were incongruent actions on the part of David.

When Tamar was assaulted, David found out and was very angry; yet he neither dealt with Tamar by giving her support and compassion, nor dealt with Amnon in meting out justice.

As for Absalom, David’s feelings for him did not translate into action. It appears the story wants us to see the wide gap between King David’s emotions and actions.

Perhaps the emphasis on Absalom’s sheer beauty is designed to emphasize the incongruence of David – this handsome man is put at arm’s length by his father. Furthermore, this behavior would eventually put David’s royal position in jeopardy.

When guilt and shame are not confronted, it leads to a downward spiral into continued levels of degradation.

The assault of Tamar led to the murder of Amnon, which led to the inactions of David. Everyone ended up responding to someone else’s guilt by adding their own guilt to it. In this scenario, everyone loses something, and there is a lot of unnecessary grief.

Abasalom returned to his hometown of Jerusalem. But everything had changed. He was simply existing. Honestly, Absalom needed something, anything, instead of living day after day in a house without any love or acceptance. Absalom was in that awkward place of wanting either mercy or judgment, acceptance or punishment, because to live in limbo was shrinking him to nothing.

For those who know the story of David and Absalom, you understand where all of this family dysfunction is leading; and it will not end well.

It could be that Jesus had this story in the back of his head when he told the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15). Perhaps Christ wanted us to see what could happen when a father chooses to respond with actions of grace, acceptance, and undeserved kindness. Even though the son had done something awful and was full of guilt, when he finally made his way home, the father ran to him, embraced him, and accepted him with a blowout party.

We can only wonder what would have happened had David stepped into the situations of his children’s lives when they were going awry. Methinks that had David done so, with his characteristic wisdom and mercy, there would have been a very different outcome in his family.

One way of viewing this story is that the incongruence of King David toward Absalom, with his combination of longing and rejection, was a stubborn passive-aggressive refusal to give his son the grace and love which God had given to him. In light of the story’s eventual end, this view makes a lot of sense.

Yet, this doesn’t have to be the same for you or me in our family relationships today. We can choose to love, instead of inflexibly holding on to a denial of love. One can do all the mental gymnastics of justifying that denial by believing you’re teaching the kid a lesson, or giving them what they deserve, but it’s really, at it’s core, choosing not to love with the love provided by God.

Réconciliation d’Absalom et de David, by Gabriel de Saint-Aubin, 1752

Absalom eventually entered David’s throne room and received a kiss. But it was simply too little, too late. And that’s why, at some point after this, Absalom decided to replace his emotionally and actively distant father as king.

If guilt, shame, evil, and sin go unchecked for too long, it makes for a terrible mess of people’s lives; and usually results in either verbal violence, physical violence, or both.

But it doesn’t have to be that way….

For being quick to see the sins of others, and slow to repent of our own, forgive us, Lord.

For clinging to remembered hurts, and brushing off gestures of kindness, forgive us, Lord.

For the divisions among us that damage our mission to the world, forgive us, Lord.

For the work we have not done because we refused to do it together, forgive us, Lord.

For these and all our sins, O God, we weep in sorrow and ask for your forgiveness, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Avoid an Ambush (Acts 23:12-35)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year BLeave a comment

The next morning some Jews formed a conspiracy and bound themselves with an oath not to eat or drink until they had killed Paul. More than forty men were involved in this plot. They went to the chief priests and the elders and said, “We have taken a solemn oath not to eat anything until we have killed Paul. Now then, you and the Sanhedrin petition the commander to bring him before you on the pretext of wanting more accurate information about his case. We are ready to kill him before he gets here.”

But when the son of Paul’s sister heard of this plot, he went into the barracks and told Paul.

Then Paul called one of the centurions and said, “Take this young man to the commander; he has something to tell him.” So he took him to the commander.

The centurion said, “Paul, the prisoner, sent for me and asked me to bring this young man to you because he has something to tell you.”

The commander took the young man by the hand, drew him aside and asked, “What is it you want to tell me?”

He said: “Some Jews have agreed to ask you to bring Paul before the Sanhedrin tomorrow on the pretext of wanting more accurate information about him. Don’t give in to them, because more than forty of them are waiting in ambush for him. They have taken an oath not to eat or drink until they have killed him. They are ready now, waiting for your consent to their request.”

The commander dismissed the young man with this warning: “Don’t tell anyone that you have reported this to me.”

Then he called two of his centurions and ordered them, “Get ready a detachment of two hundred soldiers, seventy horsemen and two hundred spearmen[a] to go to Caesarea at nine tonight. Provide horses for Paul so that he may be taken safely to Governor Felix.”

He wrote a letter as follows:

Claudius Lysias,

To His Excellency, Governor Felix:

Greetings.

This man was seized by the Jews and they were about to kill him, but I came with my troops and rescued him, for I had learned that he is a Roman citizen. I wanted to know why they were accusing him, so I brought him to their Sanhedrin. I found that the accusation had to do with questions about their law, but there was no charge against him that deserved death or imprisonment. When I was informed of a plot to be carried out against the man, I sent him to you at once. I also ordered his accusers to present to you their case against him.

So the soldiers, carrying out their orders, took Paul with them during the night and brought him as far as Antipatris. The next day they let the cavalry go on with him, while they returned to the barracks. When the cavalry arrived in Caesarea, they delivered the letter to the governor and handed Paul over to him. The governor read the letter and asked what province he was from. Learning that he was from Cilicia, he said, “I will hear your case when your accusers get here.” Then he ordered that Paul be kept under guard in Herod’s palace. (New International Version)

An “ambush” is a sudden and unexpected attack from a concealed position. In the Apostle Paul’s case, there were those looking to ambush in order to kill him.

Some Jerusalem Jews were determined to be rid of Paul. They demonstrated their commitment by taking a solemn oath to not eat or drink until they killed the Apostle – which has always made me wonder, when I read this story, if the plotters starved to death, or not, when the ambush was foiled.

In retrospect, I hope the would-be assassins saw how stupid it is – in more ways than one – to make an oath of killing someone.

Maybe even more nonsensical is that the oath-takers presented their plan to the Sadducees (the Jewish chief priests and elders) who endorsed the whole thing, signed-off on it, and actually participated in it.

I’ll just make the historical observation that the Sadducees no longer exist today; and they haven’t since the destruction of the Temple in 70 C.E. I grew up with an old rural folk saying that essentially said, “Dumb dogs die young.”

In the end, the nefarious plan of the Jerusalem Jews was foiled by Paul’s nephew. The young lad caught onto the conspiracy, reported it to Uncle Paul, and then to the Roman authorities.

The Roman commander lost no time in providing an impressive display of security in transporting Paul to Ceasarea. There, the Roman official Felix received him, along with a letter from the commander.

Once in Ceasarea, Felix promised Paul a fair hearing when his accusers arrived. In the meantime, Paul was kept under house arrest. The planned ambush was thus averted, and Paul was securely in Roman custody.

Unfortunately, there are people in this world who twist even their own religious ethics in order to justify violence – going so far as to ambush an innocent person to prevent an unwanted agenda (in this case, the Christian faith) from making inroads into society.

It will not do for any of us to believe that we are immune from trouble in the form of an ambush – whether the ambush is a literal physical one, or mental, emotional, or spiritual.

Gaslighting is a sinister form of mental ambush; a group bullying and threatening an individual is a horrible emotional ambush; and I personally have been the victim of, or diverted, many a spiritual ambush from disgruntled parishioners over the years who wanted my ministry finished.

Yet, many of our emotional ambushes are much more subtle. We might not realize, until later, that we’ve been had by one. Many times the ambush is couched in language of flattery, such as:

  • “We’re depending on you.”
  • “You’re the only one who can do this.”
  • “You did such a good job last time.”
  • “I’m counting on you.”

Or the statements can be more blunt:

  • “Don’t mess this up. A lot is riding on you.”
  • “If you don’t do it, everyone will be disappointed; everything will go to hell.”
  • “You’ve done it before. You have to do it again.”
  • “Don’t make me look bad, or else.”

Please remember the following whenever you find yourself in the crosshairs of an ambush:

  1. You are under no obligation to do whatever another person says.
  2. Take a deep breath and respond from the core of your being instead of from your fear and anxiety.
  3. There are 7 billion people on this earth. Everything doesn’t depend on you.
  4. You have the freedom to say, “No,” without having to explain why or justify it.
  5. Call a spade a spade. If you walk into an ambush, call it for what it is, and report it to the proper persons. It’s really okay to do that.

The more we can connect with what is of most value to us, the greater we can make decisions we’re able to live with, even in the moment.

What’s more, it’s possible to prepare ahead of time for a potential ambush, simply through consistent daily growth in wisdom and knowledge.

Be safe. Be strong. Be spiritual. We are all in this life together.

Receive the Blessing (Genesis 48:8-19)

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality Blog, Daily Bible Reading Blog, Year BLeave a comment
Jacob Blessing Ephraim and Manasseh, by Rembrandt van Rijn (1606-1669)

When Israel saw the sons of Joseph, he asked, “Who are these?”

“They are the sons God has given me here,” Joseph said to his father.

Then Israel said, “Bring them to me so I may bless them.”

Now Israel’s eyes were failing because of old age, and he could hardly see. So Joseph brought his sons close to him, and his father kissed them and embraced them.

Israel said to Joseph, “I never expected to see your face again, and now God has allowed me to see your children too.”

Then Joseph removed them from Israel’s knees and bowed down with his face to the ground. And Joseph took both of them, Ephraim on his right toward Israel’s left hand and Manasseh on his left toward Israel’s right hand, and brought them close to him. But Israel reached out his right hand and put it on Ephraim’s head, though he was the younger, and crossing his arms, he put his left hand on Manasseh’s head, even though Manasseh was the firstborn.

Then he blessed Joseph and said,

“May the God before whom my fathers,
    Abraham and Isaac, walked faithfully,
the God who has been my shepherd
    all my life to this day,
the Angel who has delivered me from all harm
    —may he bless these boys.
May they be called by my name
    and the names of my fathers, Abraham and Isaac,
and may they increase greatly
    on the earth.”

When Joseph saw his father placing his right hand on Ephraim’s head he was displeased; so he took hold of his father’s hand to move it from Ephraim’s head to Manasseh’s head. Joseph said to him, “No, my father, this one is the firstborn; put your right hand on his head.”

But his father refused and said, “I know, my son, I know. He too will become a people, and he too will become great. Nevertheless, his younger brother will be greater than he, and his descendants will become a group of nations.” (New International Version)

Jacob Blessing Ephraim and Manasseh, by Frederick Pickersgill (1820-1900)

Jacob (Israel) was on his deathbed. His son, Joseph, was in charge of all Egypt. Jacob had Joseph bring his two sons to him so that he could bless them. Joseph fully expected that his father would follow the convention of primogeniture, that is, the elder son receives a double inheritance. But that is not what happened. Jacob purposely went against normal convention.

It was not, however, against biblical convention. In the stories of Ishmael and Isaac, Esau and Jacob, the rights of the first-born are superseded by the promises of the next-born.

Family rules, ethnic customs, and cultural procedures are fine. Yet, when those practices become inflexible laws which are never to be different, then we get into trouble. Joseph had an expectation of how the blessing of his sons was to go. Jacob had another idea about it.

“We’ve never done it that way before,” are the seven last words of any institution. Any group organized around that belief is doomed. If we cannot make a distinction between the letter and the spirit of a law, rule, or custom, then our inflexibility will eventually break us.

In the ancient world, and even in many cultures today, birth order determines how things go with families, societal rights, and personal obligations. The firstborn occupies an esteemed position. In Judaism, when the temple still stood, the first fruits and firstborn of animals were considered the best sacrifices.

By blessing the younger son, and going against expected convention, Jacob taught future generations a valuable lesson: A person’s actions and character matter more than birth order. What’s more, being blessed first or last or whenever is not what guarantees future success.

Jacob had firsthand knowledge and experience that life is unpredictable and requires faith in God. One’s life cannot be projected and determined along an upward linear trajectory. We cannot predict what will happen in our lives by laying things out with Cartesian coordinates. Ultimate control belongs to God, not us. And that’s a good thing, because the Lord is good, all the time.

Our Lord, everything you do
    is kind and thoughtful,
and you are near to everyone
    whose prayers are sincere.
You satisfy the desires
    of all your worshipers,
and you come to save them
    when they ask for help.
You take care of everyone
who loves you,
    but you destroy the wicked. (Psalm 145:17-20, CEV)

It’s best to trust in pure goodness than to rely upon human ingenuity. Abraham – who was not a firstborn son, but the youngest of three – received the call from God to receive blessing. Isaac inherited the birthright over his older half-brother Ishmael. Jacob himself received the birthright over his older twin brother Esau. And Joseph, next to the youngest in a long line of sons from Jacob, was the clear head of the clan.

In matters of human faith and divine promises, birth order and typical cultural mores don’t apply. More important is fidelity to God, concern for one’s fellow humanity, and upholding love for the family. And it is these very things that are important going forward. Inevitably, suffering comes. And when it does, birth order, primogeniture, and societal expectations aren’t going to get you through it.

It is likely that the main reason why some folks embrace the adage “we’ve never done it that way before” is because of fear. Doing the same thing over and over again, even if it isn’t helpful anymore or is useless in a particular situation, still feels normal and secure. Moving out in faith is scary; we don’t really know how things are going to shake out.

This is why our concept and understanding of God is so crucial. A good God acts on our best interests and does not act with malevolence toward us.

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me;
    he freed me from all my fears.
The oppressed look to him and are glad;
    they will never be disappointed. (Psalm 34:4-5, GNT)

Only obeying the letter of the law leads to fear. Only acknowledging the spirit of the law results in bondage. Only by observing both the letter and the spirit of the law will we experience freedom from fear and deliverance from anxious striving for blessing.

Blessing is given freely by the God who delights in doing so. Let the Lord bless you in the ways God wants to do so.

May God have mercy on you, bless you, and show you kindness, today and every day. And may the grace of the Lord Jesus, the love of God the Father, and the encouragement of the Holy Spirit be with you, now and forever. Amen.