Tag: grief

Crisis Caring

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality BlogLeave a comment

black valentine background, black and white starburst with heart

Here are just a few of the people I’ve encountered in the past week….

A man who went for a routine doctor’s visit was examined, then rushed to the hospital where he had his left leg amputated….

A woman who witnessed her son attempt to kill his wife by stabbing her multiple times….

A pastor’s wife who is overwhelmed with the depth of human need and emotional trauma she sees every Sunday in her urban congregation….

A man who is bitter and hard-hearted, refusing any sort of spiritual care or assistance in the face of death….

A family who watches on, while their beloved mother and grandmother is slowly slipping into eternity….

A pregnant mother who is on total bed rest, downright frightened by not knowing what will happen, and if her baby will live or die….

We live in a fundamentally broken world.  Everything is askew and awry, with people feeling the brunt of the things which are neither right, nor fair.  The examples are all of good people who have found themselves in the crosshairs of circumstances beyond their control.  Their situations left them feeling a range of emotions: abject horror, terrible sorrow and sadness, shocking denial, sheer panic, and crippling shame.  The sense of confusion, fragility, and powerlessness are palpable.

So, what in God’s name do we do when we are faced with trauma, either in ourselves or in people we care about?

A crisis or trauma turns our world upside-down.  It is a turning point.  Things will never be the same again.  Yet, it’s a unique opportunity for healing and growth.  Whether you care for someone, or need care yourself, there are three questions that have arisen for me as I have gone through my own crises and talk with folks facing trauma.

Who are you?

A crisis situation turns everything on its head.  It’s only human to question who we are.  Who is a man if he doesn’t have a literal leg to stand on?  Who is a mother when her son commits an atrocity?  Who is the pastor’s wife when she seems unable to meet needs?  Who is the bitter man when his expectations are not met?  Who is the family when their matriarch is gone?  Who is a mother if she doesn’t have a child?

It’s not a simple question.  It can’t be quickly answered.  Trauma throws doubt on who we thought we were before the crisis.  It can expose the shadowy parts of our lives we didn’t know were there, or bring light to the reality that our lives were built on things which don’t last.

Suppose you are a caregiver, trying to offer help.  If you’re goal is to make the person feel better, you’ll quickly find out you are not God.  You don’t fix people’s pain.  Who are you if you can’t repair broken people and solve their problems?  More than once I’ve felt like I’m in a Star Wars movie saying, “The compulsion is strong in this one.”  Until we learn to let go of trying to “force” others to feel better, we shall not be offering anything of genuine spiritual care.

What do I do?

Indeed, what do you do?  If you are a caregiver, you take action – not by changing feelings – but through attending to the basic needs of the one in trauma.  A crisis situation isn’t the time to explore emotions; it’s the time to feel them.  While a person is experiencing grief on a monumental scale, offering thoughtful assistance with decision-making, organizing the mundane things of life, and handling necessary details for them can be a loving way of bringing care and concern.

For those of you facing trauma and/or crisis, please hear me when I say:  Your task is to grieve, period.  Let compassionate people do things for you. You have no need of offering an apologetic for your emotion, tears, and trouble.  If you have been the kind of person that has been there for others, let them now be there for you.

How can I move on?

We move on through hope.  We continue the journey of life with the confident expectation that it can be good again, even though it might not look like it now.

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying,

“See, the home of God is among mortals.
He will dwell with them;
they will be his peoples,
and God himself will be with them;
he will wipe every tear from their eyes.
Death will be no more;
mourning and crying and pain will be no more,
for the first things have passed away.”

And the one who was seated on the throne said, “See, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Then he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give water as a gift from the spring of the water of life. Those who conquer will inherit these things, and I will be their God and they will be my children. (Revelation 21:1-7, NRSV)

We offer hope.  And it must come from a place of genuine care and not from the posture of trying to hurry a person along in their emotions because we are unsettled with their grinding grief.

Some people are very uncomfortable with seeing their loved one or friend in a state of extreme vulnerability.  So they withdraw, or try and get them to short-circuit their grief and get over it sooner than they really should be doing.  There is strength in weakness, and power in vulnerability.  True love is a mystery.  Sometimes we must all give up our analysis of events and people, and simply appreciate what is right in front of us.  Letting go of control can open to us a whole new world of possibility, creativity, and hope.

Faith is the ability to look ahead and see hope on the horizon.  When a community of people strengthen faith in one another through the spiritual means of listening, prayer, active compassion, thoughtful words, and healing presence, then that group of persons has discovered what it means to share the human condition.

From Grieving to Thriving

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality BlogLeave a comment

Mary

Barely any week goes by where I am not face-to-face with someone dealing with some sort of grief.  Whether it is unwanted circumstances like divorce, unemployment, or death; or, chosen situations like moving to a new house and area, having a child, or changing jobs; grief attaches itself to any significant loss or change in life.

You are likely somewhat familiar or aware of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s famous 5 stages of grief:  denial; anger; bargaining; depression; and, acceptance.  I think this is a very helpful model of understanding that people do not immediately “get over it” when there is upheaval in their lives.  There is a process that grieving people move through which is common to others, yet, unique to each individual person.

It is natural and understandable for a traumatic event to immediately trigger some sort of denial that this madness is even happening.  Trying to make deals with God or others to get the old status quo back often happens.  Depression and/or anger are logical stages of occurrence when it is understood that there is a point of no return.  Acceptance, ideally, occurs when the person in grief comes to grip with the new reality that this is now the way things are.  This grief process is necessary, but never a clean discerning movement, and always a rather herky-jerky, up-and-down, three-steps-forward-two-steps-backward kind of circuitous route to get to that acceptance.

But there is another consideration to this process of grief.  Acceptance is usually believed to be the end of the grief.  The person comes to acceptance and can now move on.  I want you to consider and think about grief, whether wanted or unwanted, that acceptance is not the end, but only the beginning.

When a parent loses a child, that Mom and Dad can come to the point of acceptance, it can take months even years to do so, but now they have a big reality to face:  How in the world do I now live?  How do I cope with not putting this child to bed at night anymore?  How do I transcend this new reality without my child in it?  How do I live my life in a way that I can thrive and flourish as a healthy well-adjusted person again?

Kubler-Ross’s process is an important part, but it isn’t everything.  That’s because a significant change or loss can be with you forever – and you need to learn how to be not only a survivor, but a person who grows and blossoms.

This doesn’t mean that you forget and do not remember.  Rather, it means you can hold the memory of what once was with fondness, while at the same time progressing into the next day with hope and anticipation of what will come.  Biblical characters in history had to do this – from Abraham leaving his home country behind, to Mary becoming pregnant as a virgin – people have always had to do more than just accept what is.  They have had to discover ways to cope with their new situation and transcend it to thrive inside their newfound reality.

Let’s return to Mary.  She became pregnant – not her choice, but God’s.  It was a good thing, but, this was light years beyond unconventional. It was scandalous, and Mary had to come to grasp this reality in her small Jewish world.  Consider what she did: went to visit her Aunt Elizabeth and gained lots of godly counsel and help; and, crafted a praise to God that we now call the “Magnificat.”  Moving from one reality to another will need to include some combination of wise input and well-considered praise to the Lord.

But also consider the other end of Mary’s reality of sharing her son with the heavenly Father: Mary watched her boy die a horrible death.  If a death of a child is one of the worst realities you can think of, imagine that death being a long and drawn-out torture with you having a front row seat to it all.  Jesus, her son, ever the mindful person even in death, was aware enough to put his Mom’s life in his beloved disciple’s hands, John.  Here is another way to negotiate learning to thrive again, to allow space in your heart for another person.

Accept your circumstances you must.  But this is not the end of it, only the beginning.  To move beyond survival, you must find ways to thrive.  These will typically include such things as not being isolated from others, but seeking out a wise person; crafting and writing and saying out loud a praise to God; and, opening your heart again and taking the risk of love.

The Gift of Tears

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality BlogLeave a comment

the gift of tears

“Jesus began to cry.” (John 10:35, CEB)

I believe that one of the tragedies of our contemporary Western society is that far too many people cry alone.  Their tears go unnoticed by others.  They cry in secret.  The fact that people tend to apologize for their tears in public testifies that we are uncomfortable with weeping.  Maybe it’s awkward because we can’t explain the science of crying – it’s just so darned subjective and based in emotions and feelings.  Maybe it’s ignored and denigrated because crying is viewed as some sign of weakness.  After all, real men don’t cry; and, women who cry are just irrational (so says much of the culture).  But I think there is a more sinister reason for such a paucity of tears in our society:  We are more and more lacking the ability to empathize with others.

We see natural disasters destroy people’s lives, and we don’t cry.  We see terrible human carnage in mass shootings, and we don’t cry.  We see statistics on the staggering numbers of sexual abuse and assault, and we don’t cry.  We see war across the planet with both soldiers and innocents killed, and we don’t cry.  Instead, we use these very real human calamities and catastrophes to advance our own political agenda.  We opine and drone on about how things should be, all the while adding to the carnage with unfeeling words and calloused hearts.

I submit to you that a significant reason a person like Jesus was not racially bigoted, constantly grumpy, blindingly selfish, and aloof toward the needs of others is that he had the ability to cry on behalf of others.  Perhaps we have a crisis of virtue, bravery, truth, and concern for the common good today because we are not in touch with the need to cry on behalf of others.  Jesus said, “Blessed are those mourn” (Matthew 5:4) because he knew the power of tears.  Crying not only cleanses our own souls but also the griefs of others. It connects us with people’s pain, and does not let us remain detached to the brokenness of the world.  God’s stamp of approval is on those who are able to cry, to weep, to mourn for others.  Godliness is not found among the opinionated arm-chair politician.  Instead, heartfelt weeping and wailing over the hurts of humanity is next to godliness.

Prayer, then, becomes not a means of presenting my wish list to God but the vehicle whereby I mourn the sins of the nation; intercede for my enemies; offer petitions for those who mistreat and persecute me; and, flat-out cry for the many people who are now experiencing the pain of living in a broken and fallen world (Matthew 5:44).  A lack of civility and gracious discourse betrays a terribly sad lack of prayer for others.  One of the greatest gifts we can give to other people, whether we like them or not, is to cry for them, especially if they cannot cry for themselves.

We are told in Holy Scripture that the Spirit himself intercedes in prayer for us with groans that words cannot express (Romans 8:26-27).  If the Blessed Holy Trinity of Father, Son, and Spirit cry over the world and its inhabitants, then we have all the theological reason necessary to be about the business of weeping.  It is tears, and not so much words or social action that will cleanse, purge, and wash away the ills and evils of our current moral dilemmas.  One of the beautiful things about this is that without exception every single person has the biological equipment and the image of God within to cry.

If we find ourselves unable to do this important activity of crying, then this is where we need to allow another person to cry on our behalf.  And that takes sharing your story with another person.  Is there a trusted person for whom you can share your story?  Have you ever shared your story with God?  Can you imagine God crying over you and groaning over the wrongs done to you by others?  Are you willing to listen without judgment to another’s story?  Will you allow yourself to stop biting your lower lip and let the tears flow?  Will you see tears as a gift from God?

Responding to Suicide

On By Tim EhrhardtIn Christian Spirituality BlogLeave a comment

bereavement

September is National Suicide Prevention Month.  World Suicide Prevention Day is always on September 10.  Its purpose is to remember those who have been affected by suicide, to raise awareness of the problem, and to focus efforts on prevention.  This is more than a worthy effort; it is much needed.  Most people have been touched in some way by the suicide of an acquaintance, co-worker, friend, or family member.  Today I want to focus a few thoughts on those left behind, on those who desperately need some sort of solace to their deep lament.

The following is a funeral message I gave a few years ago, remembering the life of a young woman who took her life.  In Betty’s case (I have changed her name) she had chronic health issues and endured multiple agonizing surgeries.  When faced with the prospect of yet another surgery, she had enough.  She left behind a loving and supportive family who, as you might imagine, was wracked with incredible grief.  Here were, in part, my words to them:

“If God is for us, who is against us? He didn’t spare his own Son but gave him up for us all….  Who will separate us from Christ’s love?  Will we be separated by trouble, or distress, or harassment, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?… I’m convinced that nothing can separate us from God’s love in Christ Jesus our Lord:  not death, or life, not angels or rulers, not present things or future things, not powers or height or depth, or any other thing that is created.” (Romans 8:31-32, 35, 38-39, CEB)

We are here today because of love – of love for Betty, and of God’s love for her and God’s love for all of us.  It is because of love that we hurt so deeply.  Death separates us, and because of death there is the feeling that a part of you is amputated.  But the good news of the Christian scriptures is that death cannot separate us from God’s love.

Our confidence and assurance of faith and our ultimate destiny lies not in our actions, but in God’s purposes and actions in Christ.  Nothing means nothing – not one thing can separate us from God’s love.  The grace of God trumps everything, and because of Christ’s redemption through his cross, Betty belongs to God.

The nature of the Christian life is not a perfectly straight line of upward progression at all times, but is much more a three steps forward, two steps backward journey of faith and development.  Those of you who knew Betty can attest to her wonderful times of sensitivity and growth, but also times of dark depression and difficulty with life and relationships.  The truth about all of us is that in our strengths, there is also weakness.  Betty was artistic, poetic, sensitive, fun-loving and compassionate.  Yet, along with the wonderful expressions of deep and profound thought and faith, was also the hurting and haunting of depression and despondency, of introspection and struggle.

Yet, when all is said and done, life is really not about us, our strengths and weaknesses, our highs and lows, our confidence or doubt – life is about the power, the person, and the work of Jesus Christ, who in his death and resurrection, has taken care of all our sins – past, present, and future.  God’s holy love has been forever satisfied in the cross of Christ.  The declaration of the Apostle John in his first epistle, chapter 4 and verse 10 is true: This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.  Betty’s sins are covered, not based in any work or doing of her own, but by faith in the finished work of Jesus Christ.

The tragedy of Betty’s death is something we cannot explain or fully understand.  Broken hearts are not healed by explanations – they are healed by the love and grace of God.  Jesus Christ died and rose again so that you and I might receive God’s forgiveness, and experience God’s love – a love that seeks after us, saves us, keeps us no matter the circumstances, and unites us together.  And I am confident that this love and grace from God is exactly what Betty wants you to know today.